Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I remember it as though it was yesterday. I had a feeling that it was going to be a special day- you know that feeling you get where your stomach is feels like you had just been kicked by a mule? You know, the feeling when your "special uncle" invites you to look for the candy cane in his pocket. Ahh youth.
Anyway, I digress. I rolled into the office early- at about noon and rousted Rahm out of my desk chair. I noticed in the calendar that it was about to be the anniversary of the 1939 Soviet invasion of Poland. Cheese and Crackers! That's something we need to commemorate! I asked Rahm what the most notable result of the war was, you know besides all the death and destruction. He said "The was notable for the utter subjugation and humiliation of Poland."
That's hard to top, so we decided to call in some help, an the next day Vlad Putin showed up to bounce some ideas off of us.
"Good Morning to you, Comrade Americans." Vlad said he likes to call us that because since Bush left it's like he has won the cold war for the Motherland. I'm not sure what he means by that, but he always looks so happy when he says it, that I never ask. "How can I be helping you?" he quickly added.
"Well Vlad-" Vlad quickly cut me of "Excuse a moment, please..." He then picked up a chair and hit Geithner over the head with it. Geithner was lying on the ground twitching, and Rahm looked a little uncomfortable. Beating Geithner with a chair is usually his job, after all.
"Ahh Vlad," I said, "Tim may not have liked that..."
"Look at your Wall Street Journal, you should be thanking me!" bellowed Vlad in that thick, throaty voice that makes all the commissars swoon. Since I had looked at the Wall Street Journal that day, I had to concede the point to Vlad. Tim's eyes rolled back into his head as we continued the conversation.
"Is Poland you wish to commemorate, yes?" asked Vlad.
"Yes- they are an important ally- at least that's what Bush said on the way out of here..."
"Let me tell you, the best way is a re-enactment of glorious, I mean tragic misunderstanding between peoples of Poland and mother Russia. For this, you should remove missiles defense shield from Poland.", said Putin
"Excellent! What better way to humiliate our newest friends and allies! What should we expect from you, in return Vlad?"
"I will be selling many new weapons to our mutual comrade- Venezuela."
So there you have it. As you can see, I didn't roll over.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday, September 04, 2009
We live in exciting times. We make no complaints. We are used to battle, for out if it we came. We will plant our feet firmly in our earth, and no attack will move us. You will stand with me, should such a time come! You will stand before me, at my side, and behind me, holding our flags high! Let our old enemies attempt to rise up once more! They may wave their Soviet flags before us — but our flag will win the battle!
Then Rahm said he recognized it, in fact one of his hero's had used it before.
Cheese and Crackers! It's a small world! That's when I settled down and wrote this:
The one thing that we can all count on is that we are going to die. I know you are only in 1st grade, but it could happen to you. For all I know your daddy could come home ans shoot you all tonight. That would make him a Republican, and that's why I want to take away his guns. Your doctor is also probably a Republican. That's why I want to be able to tell him what he can do for you after Daddy shoots you all.
I also want you to enjoy a ride in a "green vehicle" when you are going to the hospital- it's better for the planet. Not that you'll care as you bleed out from you mean Republican daddy's gunshot wound.
Remember- Republicans are evil. If you think your mommy or daddy is a Republican call 1 800 SUCKITGOP to report them. Now lets close with the new pledge of allegiance:
I pledge allegiance,
and to his advisers
and for the ideals for which they stand,
under one party
With substandard health care for all
And liberty for none.
See- now was that so bad?