Uh-oh

Was it something I said? Something I did? My deodorant? Humpy?

I don't get it. I'm turning our nation into a socialist wonderland and nobody approves?

Georgie Stephanpanpolopi

Wow- when I saw little Georgie Stephanpanpolopi grilling my good friend Barry Axelrod Sunday, I was angry- really angry. I had made myself perfectly clear. I have no recollection of this notion that I promised not to raise taxes. For God's sake, I'm a Democrat- I have to raise taxes. And raise taxes I will. But, please understand. I do so for the greater good. Poor people who are on welfare need your money more than you do. After all, shouldn’t these poor people have the same access to quality health care as the rest of us? This kind of access requires access to money. Your money. After all, what's more important to you? Little Johnnie welfare getting some nightquil, or your own kid getting a kidney? Or a college education?

We have to look at the big picture. Socialized medicine is good for everyone. Well almost everyone. As long as you don't need a kidney. Or hernia surgery. Or an anal abscess. Or if you are currently paying for your own (superior) health care. The important thing is that everyone will have access to free abortions. And that's good for everyone.

Meeting with Pelosi on cap and trade

Nancy Pelosi stopped by. She kind of creeps me out. She acts like a nervous cat. She has those creepy eyes that seem to be watching everything all at once. She slinks around the room, acting as if she is unsure of whether she should sit or not. She sees and criticizes everything, but doesn’t really seem to care about anything. Humpy positively hates her. He is the only person (or thing, for that matter) that he views as below standards for his special brand of love.

She slinked in, unannounced, to talk about the big cap and trade bill. She's from California and her district makes out pretty good. Not a coal plant within miles of Pelosiland...

She moved around the room, focusing her attention on everything, yet nothing at all. Then she hit me with it.

"You have to do something about cap and trade. We don’t have the votes..."

"Shouldn't this be directed at your whip?" I answered?

She shot mw a come hither look that would have made Eartha Kitt proud, and softly said "Meoooowww". That sight will be burned into my mind forever. It was sort of like seeing your great grandparents make love. You know you shouldn't be watching, but find yourself unable to look away. Not for any salacious reason, mind you- you watch out of sheer horror.

"Barry- where you lead, the people follow" she purred. There hair was now standing up on my neck. Now I felt really creeped out- as if my great grand parents wanted me to watch.

I assured her that she needs to work the house for herself. That's where it got really weird. She faked a heart attack. "This is it- this is the big one. Here I come FDR!"

Personally, I would have thought she would have called out to a Kennedy, like so many other women before her. She plopped down on the couch, clutching her chest. "I'm coming Frankie..."
"Nancy, that's not going to work this time," I added. You'll need to do your own dirty work. I have a sandwich to make. Eating helps me ignore Iran.

This sure is a funny place to work.

Staff meeting

Here is a photo of Hillary Clinton and Janet Napolitano at our last staff meeting. Boy, this was fun. Adding the third pig was Bill Clinton's idea.

Why I am better than you.

There was a great piece on me in the Polito . It lays out why I'm a better person than you. It does a pretty good job, too. Here are a few mor that I noticed.

I'm better than you because:

1. I'm prettier and more photogenic.
   
   
2. Newsweek proclaimed that I am Christ like- has Newsweek done that for you?
   
3. I have transcended religion to become a secularist savior. Sort of like Flash Gordon. (King of the Universe!)
   
4. I have overcome my upbringing- in suburban Hawaii.
   
5. My kids go to a better (private) school than yours.
   
6. I must be pretty great because people fawn over me 24 hours a day.
   
7. You drive a Chevy- I get around in my own personal 747.
   
8. I have Geithner working for me. That makes me smarter. And if Geithner is the only person on earth that can save our economy, that must make me some kind of uber-human.
   
9. I used share will power to push the voting button in the Senate- never moved a finger.
   
10. I look better in a bathing suit.
    
11. My wife has a hot body- your wife has flabby arms.
    
12. I take my wife to Paris for lunch. You take yours to McDonalds. That's why she has flabby arms.
    
13. I wear woman's underwear. Oh wait- that's a secret.
    

Feel free to add your own reasons that I am better than you in the comments.

M Conservative Operative: This is a Proud American Michele you can believe in!#comments

I'm trying to share her, but damn it's hard. I just love Michele Bachman! M Conservative Operative: This is a Proud American Michele you can believe in!#comments

Whats on my ipod?

I just found my favorite boyhood album on eBay- Rock on on Mother Russia!

Hanging out with Bill

Wow- working here is like working at a circus, only there are more clowns. Today Bill Clinton walked into my office- Naked.

"Hey, Barry! Hot DOG, it's a beautiful day!" said Bill.

All I could think at that moment was that beauty is in the eye of the beholder- and my day had just become a lot less beautiful. I managed a half hearted "How's it hanging?", which I regretted immediately.

Bill started walking toward me and was wildly gyrating his hips- "It's hanging free and proud, baby!"

I had to ask- "Bill why are you naked?" He was ready with an answer.

"Barry, we both know that without the New York Times, neither one of us would be standing here. This was their idea. They said Nakedness was now Green! Best day of my life. I've been walking around but nekid ever since. Happiest I've been in years. It just saves me so much time."

"How so?", I ventured

Well, Barry, people don't always realize this. I'm a playa. I like the ladies, and the ladies like me. Now there's no more guessing. What they see is what they get."

"Sick?" I asked.

"NO- I'm talking about little Bill. I mean, on the way here, I was chased all the way by a lady cop."

"Bill I need you to put some pants on- Madeline Albrecht is stopping by..."

"Truer words have never been said, Barry. Little Bill has been there before- and doesn't want to go back." answered Bill, as I through a pair of dockers at him. I keep them here, this isn't the first time I've caught Bill 'hanging out' in the oval office.

Well time for my meeting- I'll fill you in later.

Another admirer of MB

Looks like I have competition in my secret (as in only in my mind) affair with Michele Bachman.

http://mconservativeoperative.blogspot.com/2009/06/this-is-proud-american-michele-you-can.html#comments

It's a good read. Guess I'll have to share...

Thought provoking song

Sung to CreditReport.com's "I Married My Dream Girl" (Courtesy of the IllinoisReview.com)

Barry O explains it all...

I saw this on a blog, and felt I had to reply to some of the most bothersome accusations. If I miss any of these, it was W's fault...

101 Freedoms and Rights the Progressive Left Doesn’t Want You to Have

The Freedom to keep what you earn and spend it as you please.

I support each and every Americans right to earn as much as possible, and the federal governments right to keep those earnings. See, we are on the same page!

The Freedom to take risks, and live with the consequences.

As any good American knows it is the federal governments job to protect us from risky behavior. This is true whether we are talking investments or bizarre sexual behaviors. We got you covered!

The Right to participate in the political process by donating money to causes you support (like Proposition 8 in California) without being harassed by radicals

We are not trying to harass you. We are trying to make you better by accepting our point of view.

The Freedom to work in a shop without belonging to a union.

Why would you want to do that? What's good for GM is good for the country!

The Freedom to use a secret ballot when voting to unionize.

I can't support this secret ballot thing. What would we do with ACORN?

The Freedom to express conservative opinions on talk radio.

You can express any opinion shared by your savior, Barry O. Why would you need other opinions?

The Freedom to express conservative opinions as an invited speaker on a college campus.

Hmmm. I don't think this is a problem. Conservatives are not invited to speak at such events.

The Freedom to express conservative opinion on the Internet.

You can discuss whatever opinions you want- the federal government is monitoring you anyway...

The Freedom to debate whether disparities in achievement among races and sexes is a product of genetics.

This is also a non- starter. Everyone is equal. No need to discuss.

The Freedom to question whether Global Warming is really happening.

I'll pass this one over to Al Gore. I don't really understand all those big words that he uses.

The Freedom to earn a market salary in the Financial Services industry.

You can, so long as the federal government sets the market.

The Freedom not to be pressed into involuntary service to the state.

Well,that’s going to really hurt my plan for Americorps...

The Freedom to purchase and drive an SUV or any other vehicle you choose.

We can also ignore this. Soon GM and Chrysler will be out of this business. (What? What is this Ford you speak of? Everyone knows that you cant run a car company without the Federal government...)

The Freedom to own a pickup truck.

See above.

The Freedom to wear fur, leather, or other material made of a formerly living creature.

EEEEWwwwww. Why would you want to get full of paint?

The Freedom to fire an employee for any reason, or for no reason at all.

I believe in this- it's why if fired Gerald Walpin

The Freedom to join with others to criticize a politician within 30 days of an election.

You can criticize any Republican you like- even before the 30 days are up.

The Right to carry a firearm in public for your own defense.

Why would you need to do that. Doesn’t everyone have armed guards?

The Freedom to discuss a military career with a recruiter at a public school or university, as well as the right to participate in ROTC.

I never understood the military and probably never will...

The Freedom to purchase health care in a free market.

My health care plan is better, regardless of what the numbers say. Really, a 15% value added tax is so little to pay to ensure the same amount of people...

The Freedom to choose a school for your child.

The government already chooses a school for you. Why put forth the extra effort for your little curses?

The Freedom for private schools to compete on an equal footing with public schools.

My daughters private school is doing just fine...

The Freedom to fire an incompetent public school teacher.

You forgot the word tenure, didn't you?

Well, I'm tired now- time to get back to ignoring the situation in Iran...

I need to talk to the Navy Guy...

I logged into Foxnews today, and the first thing I see is "Navy Positioning Destroyer USS John McCain to Intercept Suspect North Korean Vessel". What???

Couldn't they send another ship, I mean I used to live there. Now all that stands between the certain destruction and Obama's homeland is John McCain? Seems like there must be a lesson in there somewhere for all of us...

A big O nightmare.

Last night, I had a dream. It was so horrible that I wet the bed- and let me tell you, that always makes Michelle angry. I mean, we sleep in our own twin beds (Michelle says she’s a big Dick van Dyke show fan), but my urine has an intense carrot smell. It’s awful…

Anyway, the dream was horrible. I was sitting in the Oval Office, and I was surrounded by monkeys. All the monkey’s had Rahm’s face. Worse yet, the monkeys spoke with Geithner’s voice. The monkeys were all eating cheetos. They had the orange cheese powder all over their lips and fingertips.

The monkeys kept trying to massage my shoulders, with their powerful orange fingers. The cheeto dust was rubbing off on my freshly pressed white shirt. To make matters worse, one of the monkeys kept trying to cop a feel. He’d look at me with those beady little monkey eyes and say (with Geithners voice) “Come on baby, time for some hot, greasy monkey sex.” Then he would stick his tongue in my ear. While this was happening, Humpy was having his way with three off the monkeys. Then Bill Clinton came in…

Somehow, this must be Rush Limbaugh’s fault. It always is when it involves , greasy monkey sex.

I'm Back!

Hi- I'm back.

Democracy is important. I get that. That's why I cast my absentee ballot today in the Iranian elections. My vote is the only way that I'll have any say as to what's going on over there. For those interested, I voted for Ahkmadinwhosits.

Clarification on Iran and nuclear power.

I wanted to explain my remarks about Iran. I recently said that Iran has the right to nuclear energy. When you take this remark in the proper context, you will see that it's not controversial at all. What I meant to say is Iran has a right to nuclear energy, just like North Korea. See, doesn't it make sense now?

Twitter

Sadly, none of these guys have followed BarryO :(

There goes LA

I woke up in a pretty good mood today. I was even whistling "Ain't nothing gonna get me down" as walked to breakfast (Raisin Bran, but I pick out the bran). Then I saw it. The family was watching TV- and I noticed that a massive alien space ship had just obliterated the US bank building in Los Angeles. I rushed down to my secret bunker (oops, scratch one secret- or maybe 2) and called for the National Security staff.

I had kept watching TV while I waited for the staff to arrive. I bravely watched Cousin Eddie give his life to save us all. Then everyone started arriving.

"Mr. President- what happened, is it Top Korea?" Asked Hillary. I'm not sure what her problem is, but she just can't stop talking about Korea lately. Usually, I just ignore her when she goes off on this tangent. "No- it's the Aliens. I answered"

Rahm said, look we know about the aliens, you even met their ambassador. I even brought him with me after hearing the hysterical rant you left on my answering machine. Then Drooz walked in, and kicked me in the groin, as is his cultures tradition.

When I recovered. I looked nervously at Drooz. They communicate through scent and telepathy, so we had a translator. I needed to take swift action. I asked "Have your people destroyed LA?" He kicked me in the groin again. I said that he had all ready greeted me. He answered (through the interptreter) that the blow to the nards wasn’t to say hello- it was to say that I was a dumb ass. "We have not destroyed anything- yet."

I was nervous, but everyone else thought it was just Drooz being Drooz. I couldn't take that chance. I asked him what he wanted.

"Geithner alone, in the next room for 10 minutes." Rahm answered before I had a chance "Only 10 minutes? You can keep him..." Drooz cut him off and said that 10 minutes was "sufficient". Tim looked nervous, as he curled into a fetal position and started crying. We are all pretty used to seeing Geithner like that, though.

We sat in the room waiting for Tim to return. Hillary blathered on about Korea while we heard Tim interact with Drooz. Hillary stated that Top Korea's actions violated the treaty (Take my pants off? I'm not comfortable with that..."). Hillary continued that we cannot allow Top Korea to intimidate us. (That's a real big probulator, Drooz, I don't think that will work...). Hillary then said that we have to be ready to take action in the region (Oh, yeah! Spank me Daddy, SPANK ME!). Hillary stated that we needed to work with our allies and enemies alike to prevent the armistice from ending (Do you have a cigarette, Drooz, sweetie?).

Well, Geithner came back in, and Drooz beamed out. So we sat down and continued to discuss boring old Top Korea. Then something happened. You could physically see the change in Geithner. It was like a switch went off. He stood and said, "This GM thing is a real bad idea..." He even looked shocked at himself. "What about the share holders?" Then Tim got real uncomfortable. He even said "I don't know where that is coming from..." He then left to get a drink of water.

Yep, just another day in the Obama White House...

Korea

My national security team came to see me today. They don't visit much, so I knew it must be important. They wanted to talk about Korea.

"Did someone buy me a Hyundai"? I asked. Rahm said no. Then he punched Geithner for some reason.

"Oh I know, Hyundai is buying General Motors?" "No!" Screamed Hillary "Don't you read the papers?" She shrieked.

I answered that "Reading is not my forte." Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Mr President, North Korea-" I interrupted for some clarification. "Which one is that?"

"The one on Top." added Hillary. She was getting agitated. What had Bill done now?

She continued "Top Korea has stated it's intention to abandon the armistice that nominally ended the Korean War."

"Can't we handle it like our economy? You know, make some market negative blanket statements and then let China worry about it?"

"No Mr. President," added Hillary "you need to make a decision on how the United States will react."

I knew what I must do. I said, "I will go to the UN and address all the nations of the world. I will bravely stand before my equals and issue the statement that I built my legislative career around. I will proudly stand and state that I am 'Present'."

I knew that I had said the right thing- everyone stood around and looked awestruck. I think Hillary even had a tear in her eye.

Even as a young man, I knew how to lead.

Here, you see me practicing to be president, way back in my freshman year.

True Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Ohh, those lips, the beautiful eyes, and I am truly smitten. I just can't get my eyes off of her. And her money- think of the donations to my PAC. Truly beautiful...