Urgent Fritter (fini)

Humpy was trying to tell me something. Thrust right, thrust right, thrust forward and thrust left. That means Tim is dead! I knew I needed to act, so I thought "What would MacGyver do?" He'd have T'ealc take Tim to a sarcophagus. No, wait wrong show... What would MacGyver do?

I knew now what to do- I sent Humpy to, ah, involve himself with the nearest police officer's leg. Then it was time for me to act. I grabbed the policeman's tazer. Who would have thought that a man dressed as an Arab in Tel Aviv would cause such a commotion by stealing a policeman's weapon? Fortunately, a bystander recognized Tim and yelled "That's Tim Geithner!", so no one interfered as I shot Tim with the tazer. My aim was off, and the two darts shot out and attached themselves to Tim's nipples. I pulled the trigger, and shocked Tim back to life.

By the time the commotion was over, the State Department had found us. We were quietly ushered back to the embassy, as Hillary berated us for infecting a friendly nation with the swine flu.

At least Tim is feeling better. He said that our adventure reminded him of "an average night in the village", whatever that means...

Come and knock on our door...

Hillary stopped by- and boy did things get out of hand.

Hillary started out by saying "Barry, listen carefully. I need your attention"

I thought that it must be important, so I put down my new Nintendo DSi and started to listen.

"The Taliban are 70 miles outside of Imamabad"

"Awesome!" I said.

"Excuse me?" said a flustered Hillary.

"If there was ever a people in dire need of cinnamon rolls, it the citizens of Islamabad. I've been there- they can really use some sweet, sweet, sugary goodness..."

Hillary was mad now. I wasn't sure why. Hillary continued, "I said Taliban, you douche. Not Cinabon."

I was about to ask her what the difference was, when she noticed a pair of panties peaking out of a planter. We usually find 2 or 3 a week. Strangely, W said he thought he had found them all midway through his second term. I knew that Bill was in for another savage beating. I feared that he could not withstand another head injury. It was then that I remembered something Bill tells me quite often. "Bros before hoes".

Just then Hillary shrieked "That rat-BASTARD!

"Wait Hillary- don't hurt Bill. The panties are mine."

"You son of a bitch. You aren't putting Michelle through what I-"

Still in a near panic, I cut her off. I had to convey that I would never cheat on Michelle. "No Hillary, they are mine- I wear the panties."

"That explains Geithner. Look dumbass, as a liberal I have to support your savage man love with Geithner. I don't have to like it, though. I'm going to take 10 minutes and clear my head. I'll grab the PowerPoint that explains to you what the difference between the Taliban and a Cinabon is- again. Please pay attention this time".

She left me, and I panicked. I stuck my head out the door and yelled "Geithner!" moments later he was in the Oval Office. I filled him in on what had happened, and we hatched a plan.

I instructed Tim to treat me affectionately whenever we were alone with Hillary. You know, a well placed pat on the shoulder, or to shake my hand for just a moment too long. This would be uncomfortable, but we had to take one for the team- the administration was counting on us. Geithner was strangely enthusiastic.

Well, things got weird when Hillary walked back in. Geithner literally jumped in my lap, while trying to unbuckle my pants, Geithner jammed his tongue in my mouth. I had sworn to myself that I would never find myself in a situation where Geithner's tongue was in my mouth (again) . As if this wasn't horrible enough- Humpy must have smelled something in the air. He crawled up to Hillary and mounted her meaty calf. Hillary was about ready to blow her top when the worst possible thing happened. Bill walked in.

"Hot DOG! It's a 90's style Oval Office par-tay!", said Bill. Then he noticed Hillary.

Hillary connected a solid roundhouse to Bills head. Fortunately, Humpy was flung off before she made contact. Unfortunately, he landed on Geithner neck where he, ah, finished up.

At least Humpy's attention got Geithner off my lap...

Wii play Wii

Geithner brought his wii over the oval office. He wanted to prove to me that it was cool after Rahm told us that "Only fairies play wii." Rahm is a x-box 360 man, and consistently pokes fun at Geithner about this...

Anyway, Geithner hooks it up top the big plasma in my office. We had to unhook TOTUS (Easy, O. You can do this!), but we got it figured out after only 3 or four hours. Would you believe the plugs were color coded?

Anyway we started the game, and started playing this little baseball game where you swing the controller to like a baseball bat to hit a baseball. There we are having a great time, and it becomes my turn to bat again. I took a mighty swing- and the controller slips out of my hand. It flies across the office and hits Geithner in the head. He drops like a rock, and hits his head (again) on the corner of my desk. So, there he is, just lying there. There's blood everywhere and it looks like he's not breathing. I knew exactly what to do. It was time for some Barry O mouth to mouth.

I used the preferred head/tilt chin lift method and started to breath for Geithner. After a 15 breaths- Rahm opens the door and sees us. He says "Damn it, I knew this was going to happen." I pleaded with him to help, but all he would say was "Unh-unh- don't ask, don't tell." Then he left. Eventually Tim came through- I could tell because he started wiggling his tongue around to let me know he was awake.

Just another day in the oval office.

Angie Harmon

Angie Harmon hates me. I'm not sure why she doesn't like me, but I am doing my best to make people like me. Seriously, this is all about the 2012 campaign, and Rahm says I can't have people hating me already. Especially celebrities- Rahm says they are the only ones that really count, because the sheeple will follow them.

I didn't know what to do about this, so I called Bill. He rushed right over.

"Barry- I feel your pain. I too have been rejected by many a famous hotties. You should aim a little lower- have you tried to pick up a chubby intern, yet?"

I explained to Bill that I was happily attached to Michelle. I needed a different kind of advice. I needed to make Angie vote for me- for God's sake she just today said that the geezer that I defeated would have done a better job.

"Well," Bill said "I only know of one way to communicate with a woman- and that's to seduce her. Even if you don't want to nail her, you've still got to seduce her."

I thought about that- it made sense. "I'll send her some sweet potato fritters!" I said.

"That's a good start- but you'll need more. I still have some hook ups in Hollywood. Let me see what I can do." That is precisely where things started to go wrong.

Bill said I should make the fritters myself. Let's just say that the cold dough hitting the hot oil was an explosive combination. The flash burns on my retinas left me temporarily blind. That's when Bill offered to guide me through the event. The secret service gave me to high tech ear pieces- but they left me almost deaf- there was a feedback and some weird voice modulation that made everyone sound like tweety bird. I was almost completely reliant on Bill. As I sat in the President's private mess waiting for Angie Harmon. Bill spoke into his mike I heard him, just as I was supposed to. Problem is, my lapel mike was broken. Bill couldn't hear me, or anything in the room, at all. He decided to fake his way through the conversation.

I felt the cool air hit my face as the door opened. I waited for the Secret Service to tap my shoulder as a sign that Ms. Harmon had been seated. Moments later, I felt the tap.

"Okay, Barry- start out with a simple hello. Tell her that she looks mighty fine today"

I anteed up- I needed to fix this. "Hello- you're looking extraordinary today."

My guest answered "Well thank you- NCIS keeps me in shape". I thought that was odd- The briefing didn't mention that she had a current television show. We plowed on.

Okay Barry- time to ratchet up the "sexy" Tell her she has a "Sweet, sweet, bottom. Chicks dig that."

I didn't agree, but Bill is a legend with the ladies. I improvised "Man, you got a sweet can." I felt the impact immediately. Someone had punched me in the eye. The bandage had flown off, and I was starting to get my sight back. I then noticed that Bill had screwed up and called Mark Harmon's office instead of Angie Harmon. As the secret service wrestled Mark Harmon to the ground, Geithner walked in. He screamed "Yippee! Boy pile" and jumped on the secret service agents. This gave mark Harmon an opportunity to escape- he ran as fast he could.

Unfortunately, that didn't dissuade Geithner, who started his pursuit. I had to order the secret service not to shoot. Geithner has run off like this before, and he's not very fast.
If there's a moral here, I'll be damned if I know what it is.