Urgent Fritter (fini)

Humpy was trying to tell me something. Thrust right, thrust right, thrust forward and thrust left. That means Tim is dead! I knew I needed to act, so I thought "What would MacGyver do?" He'd have T'ealc take Tim to a sarcophagus. No, wait wrong show... What would MacGyver do?

I knew now what to do- I sent Humpy to, ah, involve himself with the nearest police officer's leg. Then it was time for me to act. I grabbed the policeman's tazer. Who would have thought that a man dressed as an Arab in Tel Aviv would cause such a commotion by stealing a policeman's weapon? Fortunately, a bystander recognized Tim and yelled "That's Tim Geithner!", so no one interfered as I shot Tim with the tazer. My aim was off, and the two darts shot out and attached themselves to Tim's nipples. I pulled the trigger, and shocked Tim back to life.

By the time the commotion was over, the State Department had found us. We were quietly ushered back to the embassy, as Hillary berated us for infecting a friendly nation with the swine flu.

At least Tim is feeling better. He said that our adventure reminded him of "an average night in the village", whatever that means...

Come and knock on our door...

Hillary stopped by- and boy did things get out of hand.

Hillary started out by saying "Barry, listen carefully. I need your attention"

I thought that it must be important, so I put down my new Nintendo DSi and started to listen.

"The Taliban are 70 miles outside of Imamabad"

"Awesome!" I said.

"Excuse me?" said a flustered Hillary.

"If there was ever a people in dire need of cinnamon rolls, it the citizens of Islamabad. I've been there- they can really use some sweet, sweet, sugary goodness..."

Hillary was mad now. I wasn't sure why. Hillary continued, "I said Taliban, you douche. Not Cinabon."

I was about to ask her what the difference was, when she noticed a pair of panties peaking out of a planter. We usually find 2 or 3 a week. Strangely, W said he thought he had found them all midway through his second term. I knew that Bill was in for another savage beating. I feared that he could not withstand another head injury. It was then that I remembered something Bill tells me quite often. "Bros before hoes".

Just then Hillary shrieked "That rat-BASTARD!

"Wait Hillary- don't hurt Bill. The panties are mine."

"You son of a bitch. You aren't putting Michelle through what I-"

Still in a near panic, I cut her off. I had to convey that I would never cheat on Michelle. "No Hillary, they are mine- I wear the panties."

"That explains Geithner. Look dumbass, as a liberal I have to support your savage man love with Geithner. I don't have to like it, though. I'm going to take 10 minutes and clear my head. I'll grab the PowerPoint that explains to you what the difference between the Taliban and a Cinabon is- again. Please pay attention this time".

She left me, and I panicked. I stuck my head out the door and yelled "Geithner!" moments later he was in the Oval Office. I filled him in on what had happened, and we hatched a plan.

I instructed Tim to treat me affectionately whenever we were alone with Hillary. You know, a well placed pat on the shoulder, or to shake my hand for just a moment too long. This would be uncomfortable, but we had to take one for the team- the administration was counting on us. Geithner was strangely enthusiastic.

Well, things got weird when Hillary walked back in. Geithner literally jumped in my lap, while trying to unbuckle my pants, Geithner jammed his tongue in my mouth. I had sworn to myself that I would never find myself in a situation where Geithner's tongue was in my mouth (again) . As if this wasn't horrible enough- Humpy must have smelled something in the air. He crawled up to Hillary and mounted her meaty calf. Hillary was about ready to blow her top when the worst possible thing happened. Bill walked in.

"Hot DOG! It's a 90's style Oval Office par-tay!", said Bill. Then he noticed Hillary.

Hillary connected a solid roundhouse to Bills head. Fortunately, Humpy was flung off before she made contact. Unfortunately, he landed on Geithner neck where he, ah, finished up.

At least Humpy's attention got Geithner off my lap...

Of poodles and pirates...

"So, ahh, what is that thing..." Geithner asked as Humpy savagely
thrusted away at his leg. Tim didn't seem to mind all that much, except
that Humpy tends to vomit while "showing affection", as Michelle puts
it. Last night was chili night at the White House, so Humpy's stomach
was upset a little more than usual.

"It's my childhood pet, Spot, but everyone calls him 'Humpy'" I
answered.

"That's funny- that's my nickname at the public baths" stated Geithner-
an uncomfortable silence followed.

"I finally worked up the courage to ask Tim why he had come to see me, as
Humpy continued to work away at his leg.

"Well, I have bad news-" There was surprise. He continued "We found out
Captain Phillips is a 'Hard R'" A hard R is someone that voted in the
last three Republican primaries. Geithner continued on. "Hannity is
trying to get him on his TV show. It appears that he actually wants
credit for his bravery in standing up to the pirates. He also has this
weird expectation that the American government should be responsible for
the safety of it's citizens."

I couldn't believe that this lonely old sailor was trying to jump on my
bandwagon. I'm the one that told the SEaLs that they could open fire.
What did he do? Anyone can stand there with a gun in the back of their
head. I'll have to get Rahm on this- that guy can discredit anyone...

Balancing the checkbook

I had a meeting with the Republican Leadership today. It was eye opening- I didn't even know that they existed!

Anyway, that Cantor guy was pretty harsh. Spend this, spend that. I was with him until he explained that he was against all the spending- wow, can you imagine? After he left, I called in Geithner. We needed to talk.

"The Republicans are worried about spending" I said.

Geithner replied "I haven't heard that in 8 years, what's bugging them now?"

"Well, Cantor said we are spending more than we have, is that true?"

Geithner thought for a moment- you can tell when he's having trouble with a concept (which happens in most conversations). He finally answered-

"I don't think so.", but I needed more information.

"How can you be sure that we are not out of money?"

Geithner was thinking hard now- and then you could see the light bulb light up over his head.

"We have to have money left- we are not out of checks!"

Boy, was I relieved...

Off on the Road to G20- conclusion

We had a rough day, and I'm happy it's over. SSgt Thomason told us we should sleep during the day, and travel at night. I found out something about Geithner that I never wanted to know- he suffers from night terrors- even during the day. Every time we fell asleep, we would awaken to his screams. Screams of things that scare liberals "Free Market!" one moment, "Fair Tax" the next. The screams were horrifying. Finally, after Geithner tried to cuddle up next to SSgt Thomason, I heard a thump and Geithner went quiet. Unfortunately, it was already too late. We weren’t the only ones too hear Geithner's screams.

We were first alerted to the presence of the Iranian platoon when a shot rang out, and SSgt Thomason slouched over. Then something truly bizarre happened. I remember hearing Geithner scream "Noooooooo!" I know this sounds silly, but I can swear he also said "I loved him"- funny what the desert can do to your hearing.

Anyway- this is where it starts to get weird. Geithner charges the Iranian platoon and engages them in a style of martial arts I have never seen before. He looked like a limp wristed, effeminate ninja. Here's the strange part- he was singing and dancing through the whole fight.

"On the first part of the journey- step 2,3,4" he said, all the while running and leaping toward the Iranians.
"I was looking at all the life- roundhouse!" and an Iranian went down as Geithner frolicked on.
"There were plants and birds and rocks and things. There was sand and hills and rings" and then he leapt 6 feet into the air- landing on an Iranian, the Iranians head buried in Geithner's groin.
"I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to be out of the rain", then Geithner flexed his thighs and snapped the mans neck.

It went on like this until. Geithner finished the song. There was silence as he faced the last standing Iranian. They both surveyed the area, and then the Iranian dropped his rifle and ran off into the desert. We were safe for the moment.

Geithner ran back to SSgt Thomason. He cradled the man's head in his lap and said "Don't leave me, baby". Then, amazingly, SSgt Thomason's had shot straight up and grabbed Geithner's neck. I heard SSgt Thomason scream "Get off of me you douche!" We later found out that we was wearing a bullet proof vest, and had only suffered 2 broken ribs and a bruised liver.

As SSGT Thomason choked Geithner we heard the four bladed Hueys swoop in. The UH-1Z's were here to take us home. After the long day, I was willing to skip the fritters and get to London. I wonder what happened to Rahm?

Wii play Wii

Geithner brought his wii over the oval office. He wanted to prove to me that it was cool after Rahm told us that "Only fairies play wii." Rahm is a x-box 360 man, and consistently pokes fun at Geithner about this...

Anyway, Geithner hooks it up top the big plasma in my office. We had to unhook TOTUS (Easy, O. You can do this!), but we got it figured out after only 3 or four hours. Would you believe the plugs were color coded?

Anyway we started the game, and started playing this little baseball game where you swing the controller to like a baseball bat to hit a baseball. There we are having a great time, and it becomes my turn to bat again. I took a mighty swing- and the controller slips out of my hand. It flies across the office and hits Geithner in the head. He drops like a rock, and hits his head (again) on the corner of my desk. So, there he is, just lying there. There's blood everywhere and it looks like he's not breathing. I knew exactly what to do. It was time for some Barry O mouth to mouth.

I used the preferred head/tilt chin lift method and started to breath for Geithner. After a 15 breaths- Rahm opens the door and sees us. He says "Damn it, I knew this was going to happen." I pleaded with him to help, but all he would say was "Unh-unh- don't ask, don't tell." Then he left. Eventually Tim came through- I could tell because he started wiggling his tongue around to let me know he was awake.

Just another day in the oval office.

Angie Harmon

Angie Harmon hates me. I'm not sure why she doesn't like me, but I am doing my best to make people like me. Seriously, this is all about the 2012 campaign, and Rahm says I can't have people hating me already. Especially celebrities- Rahm says they are the only ones that really count, because the sheeple will follow them.

I didn't know what to do about this, so I called Bill. He rushed right over.

"Barry- I feel your pain. I too have been rejected by many a famous hotties. You should aim a little lower- have you tried to pick up a chubby intern, yet?"

I explained to Bill that I was happily attached to Michelle. I needed a different kind of advice. I needed to make Angie vote for me- for God's sake she just today said that the geezer that I defeated would have done a better job.

"Well," Bill said "I only know of one way to communicate with a woman- and that's to seduce her. Even if you don't want to nail her, you've still got to seduce her."

I thought about that- it made sense. "I'll send her some sweet potato fritters!" I said.

"That's a good start- but you'll need more. I still have some hook ups in Hollywood. Let me see what I can do." That is precisely where things started to go wrong.

Bill said I should make the fritters myself. Let's just say that the cold dough hitting the hot oil was an explosive combination. The flash burns on my retinas left me temporarily blind. That's when Bill offered to guide me through the event. The secret service gave me to high tech ear pieces- but they left me almost deaf- there was a feedback and some weird voice modulation that made everyone sound like tweety bird. I was almost completely reliant on Bill. As I sat in the President's private mess waiting for Angie Harmon. Bill spoke into his mike I heard him, just as I was supposed to. Problem is, my lapel mike was broken. Bill couldn't hear me, or anything in the room, at all. He decided to fake his way through the conversation.

I felt the cool air hit my face as the door opened. I waited for the Secret Service to tap my shoulder as a sign that Ms. Harmon had been seated. Moments later, I felt the tap.

"Okay, Barry- start out with a simple hello. Tell her that she looks mighty fine today"

I anteed up- I needed to fix this. "Hello- you're looking extraordinary today."

My guest answered "Well thank you- NCIS keeps me in shape". I thought that was odd- The briefing didn't mention that she had a current television show. We plowed on.

Okay Barry- time to ratchet up the "sexy" Tell her she has a "Sweet, sweet, bottom. Chicks dig that."

I didn't agree, but Bill is a legend with the ladies. I improvised "Man, you got a sweet can." I felt the impact immediately. Someone had punched me in the eye. The bandage had flown off, and I was starting to get my sight back. I then noticed that Bill had screwed up and called Mark Harmon's office instead of Angie Harmon. As the secret service wrestled Mark Harmon to the ground, Geithner walked in. He screamed "Yippee! Boy pile" and jumped on the secret service agents. This gave mark Harmon an opportunity to escape- he ran as fast he could.

Unfortunately, that didn't dissuade Geithner, who started his pursuit. I had to order the secret service not to shoot. Geithner has run off like this before, and he's not very fast.
If there's a moral here, I'll be damned if I know what it is.

Geithner Clarification

I wanted to "add some meat" to Geithner's explanation of the new financial system we intend to impose.

Imposing tougher standards on financial institutions judged to be so big that their failure would represent a risk to the entire system.
Under our financial system this will never again be a worry. Our policies will ensure that no financial institution can grow to the point of being to large.

-- Extending federal regulations for the first time to all trading in financial derivatives, exotic financial instruments such as credit default swaps that were blamed for much of the damage in the meltdown.
Under our system all exotic financial instruments such as "Stocks" will be worthless. It's only a matter of time.

-- Requiring hedge funds and other private pools of capital, including private equity funds and venture capital funds, to register with the Securities and Exchange Commission if their assets exceed a certain size. The threshold amount has yet to be determined.
The registration is the important thing. We progressives have hampered gun ownership with registration- and the results are fewer guns. Soon, we will hamper capitalism the same way!

-- Creating a systemic risk regulator to monitor the biggest institutions.
There's nothing that big government can't fix. With this in mind we will have GS-5 level employees riding roughshod (did Geithner just squeal?) over our most successful entrepreneurs.

Have faith, America- change is coming. And it's a good thing too- because change is all that will be left in your pockets.

Alexander the Great

A Greek Archbishop recently compared me to Alexander the Great. This intrigued me, and I decided to research Alexander to find out who he was. I was shocked when I found out he was a great leader! I needed to find out more, so I kept digging. I found some startling similarities:

• We both had "Parental Issues". My mother got knocked up by a complete stranger who eventually abandoned her. Alexander's mother (Cleopatra Eurydice) was Macedonian and, thus people thought that he was not the legitimate leader of the empire. There's another parallel- many people also believe that I am not a legitimate leader!
• Another strange parallels that in Alexander's time Attalus attended a the wedding of his niece, and gave a toast for the marriage to result in a "legitimate" heir to the throne. Alexander, furious, hurled his goblet at the speaker, shouting, "What am I? A bastard, then?" At the DNC, Hillary not only stated that I was the illegitimate heir to her husbands legacy, but she also called me a bastard on numerous occasions.
• When Alexander was triumphantly campaigning north, down south, the Thebans and Athenians rebelled. Just like the Blue Dog Democrats are starting to do over my spending plans!
• There's also the obvious parallel- problems with Persians. Alexander conquered them- I coddle them. Only a difference of a few letters.

As I continued my research on Alexander I found some more things that I liked. During his time, Alexander adopted some elements of Persian dress and customs at his court, notably the custom of proskynesis, a symbolic kissing of the hand that Persians paid to their social superiors. I think I'd like to bring that back into style, along with "pork pie" hats.

Lastly, Alexander had a lifelong companion named Hephaestion, the son of a Macedonian noble. I have Geithner former appointee of DNC noble (Mayor Daley).

Boy, this would make a better movie than that twilight book. What a waste of an afternoon that was.

Matt Drudge is a douche.

I learned a new word today, when Hillary gave me my new nickname. The word was "douche". I asked Michelle what it meant, and was appalled when she told me. Why would someone call another person that. A little part of me died with this revelation. Then I read Matt Drudge, and I understood what a douche really is. He wrote about another blog. The blog that my teleprompter has. Why would he publicize my 'prompter's blog and not mine. I mean, I'm the Man (note to self- look into a "The Man" tattoo) .

This really bothered me, so i asked Rahm about it. He confirmed that Drudge is a douche. Rahm said "He's so full of douchey goodness that he smells like a fresh summers breeze. He's an even bigger douche than Geithner."

So there you have it- a bigger douche than Geitner. That's a 2 liter douche to be sure...