Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
We have to look at the big picture. Socialized medicine is good for everyone. Well almost everyone. As long as you don't need a kidney. Or hernia surgery. Or an anal abscess. Or if you are currently paying for your own (superior) health care. The important thing is that everyone will have access to free abortions. And that's good for everyone.
Friday, June 26, 2009
She slinked in, unannounced, to talk about the big cap and trade bill. She's from California and her district makes out pretty good. Not a coal plant within miles of Pelosiland...
She moved around the room, focusing her attention on everything, yet nothing at all. Then she hit me with it.
"You have to do something about cap and trade. We don’t have the votes..."
"Shouldn't this be directed at your whip?" I answered?
She shot mw a come hither look that would have made Eartha Kitt proud, and softly said "Meoooowww". That sight will be burned into my mind forever. It was sort of like seeing your great grandparents make love. You know you shouldn't be watching, but find yourself unable to look away. Not for any salacious reason, mind you- you watch out of sheer horror.
"Barry- where you lead, the people follow" she purred. There hair was now standing up on my neck. Now I felt really creeped out- as if my great grand parents wanted me to watch.
I assured her that she needs to work the house for herself. That's where it got really weird. She faked a heart attack. "This is it- this is the big one. Here I come FDR!"
Personally, I would have thought she would have called out to a Kennedy, like so many other women before her. She plopped down on the couch, clutching her chest. "I'm coming Frankie..."
"Nancy, that's not going to work this time," I added. You'll need to do your own dirty work. I have a sandwich to make. Eating helps me ignore Iran.
This sure is a funny place to work.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I'm better than you because:
- I'm prettier and more photogenic.
- Newsweek proclaimed that I am Christ like- has Newsweek done that for you?
- I have transcended religion to become a secularist savior. Sort of like Flash Gordon. (King of the Universe!)
- I have overcome my upbringing- in suburban Hawaii.
- My kids go to a better (private) school than yours.
- I must be pretty great because people fawn over me 24 hours a day.
- You drive a Chevy- I get around in my own personal 747.
- I have Geithner working for me. That makes me smarter. And if Geithner is the only person on earth that can save our economy, that must make me some kind of uber-human.
- I used share will power to push the voting button in the Senate- never moved a finger.
- I look better in a bathing suit.
- My wife has a hot body- your wife has flabby arms.
- I take my wife to Paris for lunch. You take yours to McDonalds. That's why she has flabby arms.
- I wear woman's underwear. Oh wait- that's a secret.
Feel free to add your own reasons that I am better than you in the comments.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"Hey, Barry! Hot DOG, it's a beautiful day!" said Bill.
All I could think at that moment was that beauty is in the eye of the beholder- and my day had just become a lot less beautiful. I managed a half hearted "How's it hanging?", which I regretted immediately.
Bill started walking toward me and was wildly gyrating his hips- "It's hanging free and proud, baby!"
I had to ask- "Bill why are you naked?" He was ready with an answer.
"Barry, we both know that without the New York Times, neither one of us would be standing here. This was their idea. They said Nakedness was now Green! Best day of my life. I've been walking around but nekid ever since. Happiest I've been in years. It just saves me so much time."
"How so?", I ventured
Well, Barry, people don't always realize this. I'm a playa. I like the ladies, and the ladies like me. Now there's no more guessing. What they see is what they get."
"Sick?" I asked.
"NO- I'm talking about little Bill. I mean, on the way here, I was chased all the way by a lady cop."
"Bill I need you to put some pants on- Madeline Albrecht is stopping by..."
"Truer words have never been said, Barry. Little Bill has been there before- and doesn't want to go back." answered Bill, as I through a pair of dockers at him. I keep them here, this isn't the first time I've caught Bill 'hanging out' in the oval office.
Well time for my meeting- I'll fill you in later.
It's a good read. Guess I'll have to share...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
101 Freedoms and Rights the Progressive Left Doesn’t Want You to Have
The Freedom to keep what you earn and spend it as you please.
I support each and every Americans right to earn as much as possible, and the federal governments right to keep those earnings. See, we are on the same page!
The Freedom to take risks, and live with the consequences.
As any good American knows it is the federal governments job to protect us from risky behavior. This is true whether we are talking investments or bizarre sexual behaviors. We got you covered!
The Right to participate in the political process by donating money to causes you support (like Proposition 8 in California) without being harassed by radicals
We are not trying to harass you. We are trying to make you better by accepting our point of view.
The Freedom to work in a shop without belonging to a union.
Why would you want to do that? What's good for GM is good for the country!
The Freedom to use a secret ballot when voting to unionize.
I can't support this secret ballot thing. What would we do with ACORN?
The Freedom to express conservative opinions on talk radio.
You can express any opinion shared by your savior, Barry O. Why would you need other opinions?
The Freedom to express conservative opinions as an invited speaker on a college campus.
Hmmm. I don't think this is a problem. Conservatives are not invited to speak at such events.
The Freedom to express conservative opinion on the Internet.
You can discuss whatever opinions you want- the federal government is monitoring you anyway...
The Freedom to debate whether disparities in achievement among races and sexes is a product of genetics.
This is also a non- starter. Everyone is equal. No need to discuss.
The Freedom to question whether Global Warming is really happening.
I'll pass this one over to Al Gore. I don't really understand all those big words that he uses.
The Freedom to earn a market salary in the Financial Services industry.
You can, so long as the federal government sets the market.
The Freedom not to be pressed into involuntary service to the state.
Well,that’s going to really hurt my plan for Americorps...
The Freedom to purchase and drive an SUV or any other vehicle you choose.
We can also ignore this. Soon GM and Chrysler will be out of this business. (What? What is this Ford you speak of? Everyone knows that you cant run a car company without the Federal government...)
The Freedom to own a pickup truck.
The Freedom to wear fur, leather, or other material made of a formerly living creature.
EEEEWwwwww. Why would you want to get full of paint?
The Freedom to fire an employee for any reason, or for no reason at all.
I believe in this- it's why if fired Gerald Walpin
The Freedom to join with others to criticize a politician within 30 days of an election.
You can criticize any Republican you like- even before the 30 days are up.
The Right to carry a firearm in public for your own defense.
Why would you need to do that. Doesn’t everyone have armed guards?
The Freedom to discuss a military career with a recruiter at a public school or university, as well as the right to participate in ROTC.
I never understood the military and probably never will...
The Freedom to purchase health care in a free market.
My health care plan is better, regardless of what the numbers say. Really, a 15% value added tax is so little to pay to ensure the same amount of people...
The Freedom to choose a school for your child.
The government already chooses a school for you. Why put forth the extra effort for your little curses?
The Freedom for private schools to compete on an equal footing with public schools.
My daughters private school is doing just fine...
The Freedom to fire an incompetent public school teacher.
You forgot the word tenure, didn't you?
Well, I'm tired now- time to get back to ignoring the situation in Iran...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Couldn't they send another ship, I mean I used to live there. Now all that stands between the certain destruction and Obama's homeland is John McCain? Seems like there must be a lesson in there somewhere for all of us...
Monday, June 15, 2009
Anyway, the dream was horrible. I was sitting in the Oval Office, and I was surrounded by monkeys. All the monkey’s had Rahm’s face. Worse yet, the monkeys spoke with Geithner’s voice. The monkeys were all eating cheetos. They had the orange cheese powder all over their lips and fingertips.
The monkeys kept trying to massage my shoulders, with their powerful orange fingers. The cheeto dust was rubbing off on my freshly pressed white shirt. To make matters worse, one of the monkeys kept trying to cop a feel. He’d look at me with those beady little monkey eyes and say (with Geithners voice) “Come on baby, time for some hot, greasy monkey sex.” Then he would stick his tongue in my ear. While this was happening, Humpy was having his way with three off the monkeys. Then Bill Clinton came in…
Somehow, this must be Rush Limbaugh’s fault. It always is when it involves , greasy monkey sex.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Democracy is important. I get that. That's why I cast my absentee ballot today in the Iranian elections. My vote is the only way that I'll have any say as to what's going on over there. For those interested, I voted for Ahkmadinwhosits.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009