What's wrong?

As you might have noticed, I've lost a little of the bounce in my step lately. My approval ratings are down (46%? Even I'm surprised that they are still that high), I lost my good friend Teddy. My good friend, who by the way, filched my signature legislation from beyond the grave. And now, to top it off, Gen. McChrystal called me a douche today.

He didn't say it in so many words, but I know that he was thinking it. He confirmed what most people already know. My strategy to end the war is not working. I have to say I'm a little upset. I ran on ending the war in Iraq and winning the war in Afghanistan. Unfortunately Bush went out and won the war in Iraq before I could pull out. And I tell you, I was going to pull out big time. Pulling out now makes me look like a polish porn star (pulling out after the deed was done).

The worse part of this? I took a war we were winning in Afghanistan and completely screwed it up. I'm 0 for 2...

Then there's Teddy. A new poll shows me actually losing the DNC nomination to Teddy's 14 year old grandson. Thank God he's not eligible to run yet. I'll tell you, with friends like those Kennedy's... Good thing I have the Clinton's on my side. Say, has anyone seen Hillary lately?

Quick comment from Justice

We have to take the spa appointment with a Hillary Clinton happy ending off the enhanced interrogation list. Both the Justice Department and World Court have determined that such treatment constitutes torture. For the record, Bill concurs.

Come and knock on our door...

Hillary stopped by- and boy did things get out of hand.

Hillary started out by saying "Barry, listen carefully. I need your attention"

I thought that it must be important, so I put down my new Nintendo DSi and started to listen.

"The Taliban are 70 miles outside of Imamabad"

"Awesome!" I said.

"Excuse me?" said a flustered Hillary.

"If there was ever a people in dire need of cinnamon rolls, it the citizens of Islamabad. I've been there- they can really use some sweet, sweet, sugary goodness..."

Hillary was mad now. I wasn't sure why. Hillary continued, "I said Taliban, you douche. Not Cinabon."

I was about to ask her what the difference was, when she noticed a pair of panties peaking out of a planter. We usually find 2 or 3 a week. Strangely, W said he thought he had found them all midway through his second term. I knew that Bill was in for another savage beating. I feared that he could not withstand another head injury. It was then that I remembered something Bill tells me quite often. "Bros before hoes".

Just then Hillary shrieked "That rat-BASTARD!

"Wait Hillary- don't hurt Bill. The panties are mine."

"You son of a bitch. You aren't putting Michelle through what I-"

Still in a near panic, I cut her off. I had to convey that I would never cheat on Michelle. "No Hillary, they are mine- I wear the panties."

"That explains Geithner. Look dumbass, as a liberal I have to support your savage man love with Geithner. I don't have to like it, though. I'm going to take 10 minutes and clear my head. I'll grab the PowerPoint that explains to you what the difference between the Taliban and a Cinabon is- again. Please pay attention this time".

She left me, and I panicked. I stuck my head out the door and yelled "Geithner!" moments later he was in the Oval Office. I filled him in on what had happened, and we hatched a plan.

I instructed Tim to treat me affectionately whenever we were alone with Hillary. You know, a well placed pat on the shoulder, or to shake my hand for just a moment too long. This would be uncomfortable, but we had to take one for the team- the administration was counting on us. Geithner was strangely enthusiastic.

Well, things got weird when Hillary walked back in. Geithner literally jumped in my lap, while trying to unbuckle my pants, Geithner jammed his tongue in my mouth. I had sworn to myself that I would never find myself in a situation where Geithner's tongue was in my mouth (again) . As if this wasn't horrible enough- Humpy must have smelled something in the air. He crawled up to Hillary and mounted her meaty calf. Hillary was about ready to blow her top when the worst possible thing happened. Bill walked in.

"Hot DOG! It's a 90's style Oval Office par-tay!", said Bill. Then he noticed Hillary.

Hillary connected a solid roundhouse to Bills head. Fortunately, Humpy was flung off before she made contact. Unfortunately, he landed on Geithner neck where he, ah, finished up.

At least Humpy's attention got Geithner off my lap...

Don't worry about me. Worry about Bill...

Some people think that this job might be too much for me, you know, stress wise. I want you to know that there is no reason to worry- I am stopping to smell the roses.

As you can see, I took a little time to picnic with Hill. Not even the war, the economy, and the fate of an American hostage could keep from my tea time with Hill.

We had serious business to discuss. Hillary asked me for a favor. "I know Bill is hanging out in the intern pool. I need this too end"

I told Hill that I haven't even found the White House library yet, let alone the pool. I didn't know what I could do. She had a suggestion. "Chemical Castration" she said.

I answered that castrating me is not going to get the economy rolling again- the Republicans had actually done a study on that. She said "Not you, dumb ass, Bill"

I said "Oh". I have to admit, I feel a little guilty. I signed an executive order authorizing the castration. Feel free to speak up and tell me if I was right to do so. I did notice that most of the interns seem a lot less jumpy now...

I'm so lonely

I'm sooooo lonely. I'm over here in London and nobody likes me. Michelle is hanging out with the queen, so he's having a good time, but I feel a little isolated. I came in with all these ideas that Rahm gave me, and no one seems to care. I hold a press conference, and the other 19 countries hold their own. Why don't they like me?

I needed to vent, so I called Bill. I told him what was bothering me and he offered his help.

"Dang, that's a tough one, Barry. I think I know what the problem is".

I had to know- Bill was an overseas legend.

"It's Hillary. I mean, you know her. She can be difficult."

Difficult is right- I she almost beat Geithner to death over the last can of Ginger Ale on Air Force One.

"What should I do?" I asked- Bill has worked for Hillary for 30 years, so he should know.

"Well, first, you need to send her on a whirlwind tour. The ladies, they like to travel. Send her to every country on earth, as a goodwill ambassador. That will make a serious impression."

I was impressed that Bill was willing to sacrifice his time with his wife- I'll have to consider this!

Why Hill doesn't like Bebe

I always like it when Bill comes to visit- his stories about the good old days always lift my spirits. Today, though, I had a question for him. You see his wife, Hillary, really dislikes Bebe Netanyahu. I've been wondering why for a long time, and I finally feel close enough to Bill to ask.

Bill doesn't enter a room so much as he completely absorbs his surroundings. When he walks in, everyone knows that they are the center of his universe. I knew that he wouldn't knock on my door as everyone else does, he would just burst in and the fun would begin.

"HOT DOG!, did you see that sweet, sweet thing- she must be new, I don't know her!"

You mean "Millie" I said referring to our new 74 years young receptionist.

"Yeah that's her- boy I tell you, I'd tap that..."

Bill is so funny- Millie's hearing is bad, and you often have to tap her on the shoulder to get her attention. He has a wonderful way with words.

After the niceties, I got down to business. I said "Bill, I noticed that there seems to be some friction between Hillary and Bebe- I'm afraid it might affect our work in the Middle East. I don't know what this work is, but Rahm says it's important..."

Bill agreed- "It's best to follow Rahm's advice", but I knew that this time Rahm didn't know the details. So I pressed.

"Bill I need to know exactly what happened."

"Okay- I'll tell you. It was a cold Washington January- I'm not talkin' bout outside. Hillary was angry. You've seen her when she's angry, but for me she turns it up a notch higher, if you can believe it. I remember that January so well, the smell of the Cigars, the feel of her warm lips-"

"Steady Bill," I interjected- I needed him to focus.

"Ohh- right. So Hillary found out about something I did. I'm not going to mention it- it's something I'm not proud of. I could have found a much slimmer intern, but that bootie-"

"Bill!" I yelled.

"Okay, okay, you know I'm a sentimental old fool. Anyway, she found out about this thing I did, and she was MAD. I tried flowers, I tried candy- I even tried jewelry. Nothing worked. Hell, I even wrote he a poem- 'There once was girl from Park Ridge'. That didn't work either. She said she needed some space. So she told me she was going on a pilgrimage to the holy land. I thought to reflect on God and maybe to forgive me, but that's not Hill's style. She was going for revenge."

"Revenge- what did she do?"

"Well she went there to have an affair with Bebe Netanyahu. She made reservations at a hot restaurant, Orna and Ella's-"

"The one over on Shenkin street, in Tel Aviv?" I offered. It was. No doubt Sweet Potato Fritters were on the menu.

"Boy Howdy- she went all out- even made sure that the Sweet potato fritters were waiting on the table-"

I thought to myself, nothing says romance like a fritter, and let Bill continue.

"So Bebe shows up- with his wife. Hillary was livid- and embarrassed. I have to say she handled it well. It only cost 250 thousand dollars to repair the damage- that's restraint for my little bundle of Hellfire." Mrs. Netanyahu vowed never to be seen with Hill again- they still don't think she's right. Bat shit crazy is what they called her. Actually they called her "בת חרא מטורף". Which I think is bat shit crazy."

I asked Bill what was wrong. You could see that his vary soul was bathed in remorse. His only answer was "I can't believe I married her."

My Meeting with Hillary

My friend Hillary came to see me today- she seemed aggravated. She said that she didn't trust her Bebe. I said, that Chelsea is hardly a Bebe any more- but she got angry and called me a "Douche" Yea! A new nickname! I tried to calmly explain that we have to let our young grow up- we wouldn’t want to force them into making horrible decisions, like making decisions that lead to cursing them with their own Bebe's, but she cut me off. She said that she meant Bebe Netanyahu.

I offered that I would never name my Bebe Netanyahu, but Hillary explained that he was the Prime Minister of Israel.

I asked what the problem was- I know that my previous reverend didn't trust Israel, but he didn't like America either, and as far as I am concerned any country that would elect me President is a a pretty special place. Anyway, I asked what the problem with Bebe was.

"He wants to bomb Iran.", said Hillary

"Do you think we could talk him into bombing Pakistan instead?" I asked, "I've been wanting to do that myself".

It was at that moment that Hillary noticed the stacks of panties we found in the Oval Office couch cushions yesterday. Hillary looked at them, turned red, and screamed "That Bastard", running out of the office at full steam. I don't know why she was ups set- they weren't Bebe's panties...

I wonder- does this mean I get to bomb Pakistan?