Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I remember it as though it was yesterday. I had a feeling that it was going to be a special day- you know that feeling you get where your stomach is feels like you had just been kicked by a mule? You know, the feeling when your "special uncle" invites you to look for the candy cane in his pocket. Ahh youth.
Anyway, I digress. I rolled into the office early- at about noon and rousted Rahm out of my desk chair. I noticed in the calendar that it was about to be the anniversary of the 1939 Soviet invasion of Poland. Cheese and Crackers! That's something we need to commemorate! I asked Rahm what the most notable result of the war was, you know besides all the death and destruction. He said "The was notable for the utter subjugation and humiliation of Poland."
That's hard to top, so we decided to call in some help, an the next day Vlad Putin showed up to bounce some ideas off of us.
"Good Morning to you, Comrade Americans." Vlad said he likes to call us that because since Bush left it's like he has won the cold war for the Motherland. I'm not sure what he means by that, but he always looks so happy when he says it, that I never ask. "How can I be helping you?" he quickly added.
"Well Vlad-" Vlad quickly cut me of "Excuse a moment, please..." He then picked up a chair and hit Geithner over the head with it. Geithner was lying on the ground twitching, and Rahm looked a little uncomfortable. Beating Geithner with a chair is usually his job, after all.
"Ahh Vlad," I said, "Tim may not have liked that..."
"Look at your Wall Street Journal, you should be thanking me!" bellowed Vlad in that thick, throaty voice that makes all the commissars swoon. Since I had looked at the Wall Street Journal that day, I had to concede the point to Vlad. Tim's eyes rolled back into his head as we continued the conversation.
"Is Poland you wish to commemorate, yes?" asked Vlad.
"Yes- they are an important ally- at least that's what Bush said on the way out of here..."
"Let me tell you, the best way is a re-enactment of glorious, I mean tragic misunderstanding between peoples of Poland and mother Russia. For this, you should remove missiles defense shield from Poland.", said Putin
"Excellent! What better way to humiliate our newest friends and allies! What should we expect from you, in return Vlad?"
"I will be selling many new weapons to our mutual comrade- Venezuela."
So there you have it. As you can see, I didn't roll over.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Friday, September 04, 2009
We live in exciting times. We make no complaints. We are used to battle, for out if it we came. We will plant our feet firmly in our earth, and no attack will move us. You will stand with me, should such a time come! You will stand before me, at my side, and behind me, holding our flags high! Let our old enemies attempt to rise up once more! They may wave their Soviet flags before us — but our flag will win the battle!
Then Rahm said he recognized it, in fact one of his hero's had used it before.
Cheese and Crackers! It's a small world! That's when I settled down and wrote this:
The one thing that we can all count on is that we are going to die. I know you are only in 1st grade, but it could happen to you. For all I know your daddy could come home ans shoot you all tonight. That would make him a Republican, and that's why I want to take away his guns. Your doctor is also probably a Republican. That's why I want to be able to tell him what he can do for you after Daddy shoots you all.
I also want you to enjoy a ride in a "green vehicle" when you are going to the hospital- it's better for the planet. Not that you'll care as you bleed out from you mean Republican daddy's gunshot wound.
Remember- Republicans are evil. If you think your mommy or daddy is a Republican call 1 800 SUCKITGOP to report them. Now lets close with the new pledge of allegiance:
I pledge allegiance,
and to his advisers
and for the ideals for which they stand,
under one party
With substandard health care for all
And liberty for none.
See- now was that so bad?
Monday, August 31, 2009
He didn't say it in so many words, but I know that he was thinking it. He confirmed what most people already know. My strategy to end the war is not working. I have to say I'm a little upset. I ran on ending the war in Iraq and winning the war in Afghanistan. Unfortunately Bush went out and won the war in Iraq before I could pull out. And I tell you, I was going to pull out big time. Pulling out now makes me look like a polish porn star (pulling out after the deed was done).
The worse part of this? I took a war we were winning in Afghanistan and completely screwed it up. I'm 0 for 2...
Then there's Teddy. A new poll shows me actually losing the DNC nomination to Teddy's 14 year old grandson. Thank God he's not eligible to run yet. I'll tell you, with friends like those Kennedy's... Good thing I have the Clinton's on my side. Say, has anyone seen Hillary lately?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
What do you mean that sounds like President Bush's tenure???
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I was in a room with Rahm, Geithner, David Axelrod, Bill Clinton and a very special guest. Rahm quickly called the meeting to order-
"Dark forces, we are gathered here today in the service of our master, the supreme evil one. Rise Evil One! Rise!"
Just then a bubbling cauldron of God only knows what started to bubble even more. A green haze rose out of the kettle to encompass the lower three feet of the room. The lights blew out, and the room took on an ominous red glow. In a zombielike trance, all of my advisors started chanting "Clout. Clout. Clout."
Out of the cauldron rose a portly, and balding old man in a rumpled grey suit. He sneered at the assembled staff. He looked at me and laughed. He then greeted us with "You are all pathetic amateurs- you ashame me with my presence." Yep, it was Hizzoner, botched metaphors and all. Rahm had awaken Richard M. Daley from the dead, and "The Man on Five" was not pleased.
Rahm knew we wouldn't have Hizzoner's attention for long. "Dark master, we know not what to do. How can we save this administration?"
Daley glowered over us all. I'll be honest, I almost wet myself. Until now, I thought I could get by on my youthful inexperience and good looks. One thing I learned in Illinois politics is that you don't conjure up Da Mare to solve small problems. Rahm must think I am in some serious trouble." Hopefully Hizzoner could bale us out.
He looked at me and said "Even the Lord had skeptical members of His party. You on da other hand, are making skeptical members of his party." I said I didn't understand. He elaborated "Look at our Lords disciples. One denied Him; one doubted Him; one betrayed Him. If our Lord couldn't have perfection, how are you going to have it in government?"
I answered "So you are saying that I am supposed to be this screwed up? I am trying to get by on boyish charm, and it's been hell lately..."
"I know a thing or two about Hell, sonny- this ain't it. As for your problem, Good government is good politics," said Hizzoner
"So I should continue to campaign for public healthcare and everything else we can't afford?"
Daley answered "We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement." and then elaborated "we shall not be stopped."
"But Boss," I asked, "what of the Hannity's and Limbaughs- they continue to educate the American people to this Ponsi Scheme of an economy that we created?", I asked.
"They have vilified me, they have crucified me; yes, they have even criticized me." he then faded away. All traces of Hizzoner were gone, much like my backbone.
Rahm and the others snapped out of their trance, and looked frightened. "There it is." said Rahm "We stay the course on Healthcare. Just like we did with Clinton."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
An example from a "Dr. Dave" - "I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren't democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me."
I'm not sure- but I think he might have meant me. I mean I live on the south side of Chicago and am currently blogging from the Vineyard. I'm sure it could be millions of people, but I just have this uneasy feeling that it is me he is talking about.
I do have a Doctor named Dave. I happened to have an appointment with him today. He is my proctologist. I'm still in my young 40's, so this is the first time I met him. It was "uncomfortable."
I walked into the office and, being the president, I got to skip in line. They handed me a paper robe and asked me to sit on the table. Dr. Dave asked me if I had any trouble urinating. I told him not since I had the clap. He thought I was joking, and to be honest I wish I was. That's the last time I drink so much that I pass out at Camp David. It's a good thing that Geithner was watching over me when I woke up. Although I kind of wish that he had clothes on and wasn't spooning me (he said it was to protect me).
Anyhow, the doctor asks me to bend over the table, I think oh, good, my knees have been hurting, maybe he can take a look. You won't believe what Dr. Dave did next! He, ah, invaded my personal space. I felt a latex, thing of some sort penetrating my, ah, nether reaches.
He said it was to check my prostate. It must be hard to check though. I mean, I felt his hands on my hips pushing in the prostate probe.
What a long day. At least Dr. Dave was happy. He said the exam was on the house, and that he just wanted to help me the same way with my health care as I am helping everyone else. What a great guy!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Anyhow, I noticed a tweet asking her twitties to stop buying Sargento products. I had to ask why. She stated that Sargento sent her an email stating that Beck equals hate. I was intrigued. Certainly popular folk singer Beck is a bit of a long haired douche (my new vocab word), but not equal to hate!
CrazyCat just patiently shook her head and said me, "The other Beck." I thought God no- not the beer. As you know I have been drinking a lot of beer lately. In fact, it's pretty much all I have accomplished over the last month and a half. If I can't drink, how will I run the county? Okay you got me, how will Rahm run the county?
Crazy just stared at me. I think she called me a douche, but she said it so sweetly that it sounded like a compliment.
"I mean the radio commentator, Barry. Glenn Beck. Sargento is trying to besmirch his reputation."
I am unfamiliar with Mr. Beck- but I love his beer. So I told her she could count on me to boycott Sargento. It'll impact the Obama household, no doubt. After all, we all like to relax by cutting the cheese and feasting each night. Somehow, we will survive on Kraft. After all, with the economy being what it is, we'll all be eating government cheese soon enough.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Barack Obama has indicated a willingness to drop a government-run health care plan from any overhaul. The White House says that's
not a shift. Actually, it is.
Fierce proponents of a government-run health plan for months, Obama and senior administration officials, bowing to pressure from Republicans and skeptical voters, suggested that such a public option is not do-or-die.
"All I'm saying is, though, that the public option, whether we have it or we don't have it, is not the entirety of health care reform," the president told a town hall-style audience in Grand Junction, Colo., on Saturday. "This is just one sliver of it, one aspect of it."
CLAIM: "I challenge you guys all to go back and see what we've said about this over the course of many, many, many, many months, and you'll find a boring consistency to our rhetoric," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters.
THE FACTS: During the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama said a new public plan should offer comprehensive insurance similar to that available to federal employees.
In the first half of the year, Obama said repeatedly in speeches, weekly radio and
Internet addresses and town halls that he wants a health care overhaul that has
a taxpayer-funded public health insurance option. He has said the plan would
compete with private insurance to keep costs down.
"That's why any plan I
sign must include an insurance exchange: a one-stop shopping marketplace where
you can compare the benefits, cost and track records of a variety of plans --
including a public option to increase competition and keep insurance companies
honest -- and choose what's best for your family," he said on July 18.
And in a June 3 letter to Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., and Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., Obama said: "I strongly believe that Americans should have the choice of a
public health insurance option operating alongside private plans. This will give
them a better range of choices, make the health care market more competitive and
keep insurance companies honest."
Look, any time I talk about choice- I'm talking about MY choice. History has shown I am much better at making decisions than anyone else. Look at what I did for GM and Chrysler. They are now the 2nd and 5th largest automakers in the world. How about Top Korea- have you ever see chairman Kim look better? And lets not forget the economy- that speaks for itself. Just lay back, close your eyes and enjoy it!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Anyway, Rahm wasn't pleased with the results, so you'll notice that the emails are now bouncing back. A sad end to a historic government program.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
I first heard of Dr. Jack some years ago. His cutting edge treatment of terminal patients led to a 100% customer satisfaction rate. As a matter of fact, not one single customer of Dr. Jack has ever complained!
Rahm and David Axelrod had both carefully vetted Dr. Jack. They assure me that he has the necessary skill to make the hard decisions that are sometimes necessary when taking on a project this size. Dr. Jack has already sold me on "substantial savings due to customer attrition". I'm not sure what that means, but I know that we need to start pinching pennies, so it must be a good thing.
On a separate note, Joey B. stopped by just after I appointed Dr. Jack. Joe is always looking out for me. He said I looked a little peaked, and offered to set up an appoint meant with Dr. jack for me. What a guy! If we all had more friends like that, we wouldn’t need health care reform...
Monday, August 03, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
It started out as a nice day. Then Joe Biden showed up with the beer. I
had given him a very specific list, including Blue Moon. I would have
preferred Goose Island, but I can't get that in DC. Anyway Biden shows
up with Pabst Blue Ribbon. Unbelievably, that's not even the worst part.
I handed Joe a one hundred dollar bill, and he brings back a 12 pack of
PBR and 6 bucks in change. Incredible!
So Joe, humpy, and I are sitting around waiting for our guests, and we
each grab a beer. I was sitting Downwind of Joe, and let's just say that
a rather foul wind blows in my direction. Joe starts fanning the air in
front of his face and blames humpy, except that I know that it's not
Humpy because he is sharing his affection on a chair cushion, next to
me, also downwind of Joe. Anyway, I let it slide.
After about an hour Our guest showed up. Dr Gates and that filthy racist
cop guy. I'm going to be honest. I wasn't too sure about the smelly cop.
So, we all sit down and start "enjoying" the PBR's. We were sitting
around talking about pro wrestling- typical gut stuff, when Hillary
Gates Jumps out of his chair and starts shaking Hillary's hand.
"Madam, it is my honor to be graced with the presence of the wife of the
countries first black president", say Gates. I haven't said anything,
I'm in complete shock. Then Biden chimes in- "Yep- Clinton was the man."
Now Gates doesn't miss a beat. He goes on and on. "Your husband has done
more for my people than any single man who has ever lived."
I have to say something now. "Hello- Barack here, a REAL black
president." Gates ignores me and continues.
"I may even say that he is the Black Messiah!" Now I'm really mad.
Newsweek said I was the Messiah!
The worse part is Joe is horribly flatulent now. He lets one rip, while
he standing next to me. He takes a step away from me while fanning his
nose and blames me now. Hillary comes back with "There goes Barry,
talking out his ass again." and everyone starts laughing.
I went in after that and had a good crying spell. I deserved it.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
collision. I'm worried. I've already confused NASA to the point that
they have no idea of where they are going or what they are doing. Then,
to top it off, I overheard Geithner talking about a collision of "Uranus
with my Dick". He was quite excited about the whole thing. Usually he
doesn't get so worked up over the former VP, Dick Cheney.
I got to thinking. It doesn't take an idiot to realize that any contact
between Uranus and Dick would be catastrophic. So, I propose that we
wrap dick in latex to protect him. God forbid that any contact between
Dick and Uranus results in penetration, but if it does, this should keep
the former VP clean.
I tried to call Bruce Willis, the star of Armageddon, with this. After I
got him on the phone, he became really agitated when I asked him to help
save my Dick (hey, we are all in this together) from Uranus. He just
yelled about his taxes and how my Dick was already in his anus, and
hung up. I'm not sure about how that was relevant.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
little depressed by the latest tracking polls. You see, I know that
everyone loves me because Rahm keeps telling me so. I'm just a little
confused by the numbers. That's when I had an idea. I knew that I had to
find a way to use the stimulus funds in a way that would truly benefit
everyone. Then, and only then, could America show it's love for me
I thought long and hard, but I was coming up blank. Then I overheard Tim
Geithner while he was on the phone. He was complaining about catching
something called "the clap" in a men's room. I don't know what that
means, but I know that public restrooms benefit everyone in many
wondrous ways. So what could I do?
A crapper bailout. Massive public funds for public restrooms. I call it
the "Claptrap for Crappers" program. We'll have pins paraphrasing the
immortal Mike Ditka, saying "Who ya crappin?" Who am I crappin'? I'm
crappin' Iron Mike and everyone else.
I feel my approval ratings hitting the toilet was a message from God. My
legacy is in the crapper, and it is through the crapper that the Obama
administration shall be delivered.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
The real problem here, isnt so much that I was about to swat Mayora Taveras on the bum (I'm a Democrat and we get away with that sort of thing), it's that she is only 16. That and I think Sarkozy may have been checking me out...
Anyhow, please add your own caption in the remarks.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
and in fact slept on the couch in the oval office last night. I don't
know if it was being a tall man sleeping on a short couch, or what, but
it was a pretty uncomfortable night. It gave me nightmares.
I dreamt that I was living in a land where the only tax was this thing
called a "fair tax". It's like the sales tax I want to use to fund
healthcare, only it would REPLACE THE INCOME TAX. I still shudder
thinking about it. This was a strange and horrible place that I was
dreaming of. The Unites States was the worlds sole Hyperpower, instead
of one of a dozen of so equals throughout the world. That's just not
good for our friends over seas in Venezuela or China or Iran. Creepy.
Finally, we had a medical insurance system that gave Americans the best
healthcare in the world. People could actually be scheduled for
emergency surgery, immediately. What a nightmare!
Well, good thing my staff and I are working hard to ensure that this
remains a horrible nightmare, and not the worlds most prosperous nation!
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
global economy. I wouldn't really say we tackled it, as much as
subjugated the economy in a complete takedown. No doubt about it- we
kicked it's ass. It's going to take years to recover.
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
about me". You are all a bunch of haters. Except for Humpy- he truly
understands me. Here's my list anyway...
1. Did you know that I know where Osama is? Yep, I've known all along- I
just looked at the return address on his campaign contributions!
2. Did you know that I own a car company? (Yea! We all own a car
3. Did you know that my genitals have permanently shrunk? Extremely low
testosterone is why I won't confront Hugo Chavez. Ahhh, Hugo. Now
there's a guy a pair THIS BIG!
4. Did you know that Humpy is my best friend?
5. Did you know that Britt Hume once spit on me?
6. Did you know that I buy my suits second hand, from a funeral home?
7. Did you know that Katie Couric once grabbed my buttocks after an
8. Did you know that I wish I had picked Sarah Palin as my running mate?
9. Did you know I discovered Joe Biden after he had dug through my
trash, and he was licking an old Taco Bell wrapper?
10. Did you know I once had sexual intercourse?
There you have it- whether you wanted it or not!
He blames global warming, but Bill had the thermostat permanently set to
58 degrees when he was in the oval office. He said it improved his view,
whatever that means. Anyway, Gore is always sweating. He actually leaves
the seat wet when he stands up. It's disgusting....
Anyway, he was sweating even worse than normal today. He was wearing an
army helmet and what appeared to be an accessorizing vest. He said I had
to save the world from the climate Nazi's. This intrigued me, as newly
crowned king of the world, I thought I should know about any problems
with those bastard Nazi's. To quote a great man "Nazi's? I hate those
So Gore goes on to tell me where all the Nazi's are. "They are hiding in
our factories, and in our schools. They are killing us as we speak."
Well that caused me to scream. The Secret Service burst in asked where
the woman in distress was. I said I was in distress. They just shook
their head and said something about spending too much time with
Geithner. Then things got worse when Gore started consoling me. He said
I sounded "almost like a man" when I screamed. Not the way I wanted to
spend my day.
Al went on to say that we needed massive cuts in carbon emissions. He
also said we needed a Manhattan project. If memory serves, the idea
behind the Manhattan project was to kill a bunch of foreigners. I asked
if that would help this time. Al said no- "the enemy is the United
States." Cheese and crackers! I couldn't order a nuclear strike on the
United States, could I?
Monday, July 06, 2009
(the main stream media) will tell you that it's about arms control and
mending broken fences. But we touched on some pretty important things.
"Barry, how you are doing? In Soviet Russia we are doing goodly!", said
my old pal Dmitry.
"We are doing well, you big old cuddly bear!" I said as we exchanged
what Rahm calls "Euro-fag kisses".
"The world. It is a dangerous place, with all that happens in the wake
of the Kings death..."said Dmitry. Curiously, as soon as he mentioned
Michael Jackson a buzzer went off, and the GRU agent standing next to
Dmitry hit him with what looked to be a sock filled with a couple of
rolls of quarters. It landed with a mushy sounding plunk atop Dmitry's
head. You could tell he was getting used to this- it barely phased him.
"You see", said an embarrassed Dmitry "Vlad Putin still has some use for
American currency. We must not speak of the current troubles in the
I was ushered into my limousine. Rahm and CIA guy were already waiting.
"Barry-" sad Rahm "you have to stay focused- we can't have you messing
this up, like you did with Angela Merkel." That brought back some un
pleasant memories. I still can't believe that Bill Clinton convinced me
that a slap on the bottom was the customary German greeting for foreign
dignitaries. "Rahm-" I said, "I a can promise you I won't be slapping
Putin's bottom today." I think CIA guy was relieved, because he started
"Look you Moron", said CIA guy. I looked behind me but couldn't find the
moron. To bad. Morons are funny. "Take this." He handed me a small fish-
like in those Douglass Adams books. I immediately realized that it was a
Babel fish and would allow me to understand foreign languages. I
excitedly jammed the fish in my ear. It was to big, but I figured the
fish knew what it was supposed to do. It was then I noticed everyone was
looking at me funny. "Barry," said Rahm "Why did you kill the gift that
we were going to give Putin?"
As I looked down at what was left of the fish, I realized that I had
made a mistake. Oh well, I put the fish back in the bag and looked for
something to wipe my hands (and face) with.
CIA guy was getting used to life in the west wing and didn't complain
about the fish. He continued to stare at me and said. "Let me do the
talking. Don't speak unless I give you the signal. I'll twitch my right
finger. Otherwise, don't interject.
We pulled up at Putin's dacha- it was a huge onion domed castle. Russian
troops were everywhere. They must have all been fans- they were all
staring at me just like the CIA guy. As the limo pulled through the
gate, and drove under the huge hammer and sickle affixed to a "victory
gate", I felt truly at home.
We exited the car and were led to a large room. A huge mahogany table
took up the middle of the room. Putin was sitting on a golden throne,
which itself was sitting upon a golden platform some 16 feet in the air.
Medvedev sat at his side- on the floor. Putin towered a good 14 feet
over Dmitry- who was wearing a ball gag. Geithner saw this and started
to sweat for some reason. We all took our seats which were low to the
ground- how nice of Vlad to think about Rahm's bad knees! The table came
up to our necks, and Vlad rested his feet on the end of the table
opposite of us.
Vlad just stared at us for a good five minutes. He was surrounded by
three men in fezzes- they looked like shriners. As we all sat in
silence, you could see that Rahm and Geithner were awed by the spectacle
of the throne room. CIA guy broke the silence by spitting on the table.
This seemed to amuse Vlad, he started laughing- and so did CIA guy.
"Brad, old friend it is good to see you!" boomed Vlad's voice over some
kind of amplifier. "We have much to speak of- including of why you have
made my room smell of fish."
"That we do Vlad, as for the fish..." CIA guy jerked a thumb at me. "You
know how it is..." they both then started to laugh and point at Dmitri
and me. They were then back to business. "You know, if you continue to
supply your shriner friends with nukes, we'll match you one for one with
our gifts to the Knights. We won't allow you to install a new king..."
"Yes, of this I have been thinking. We must agree to a new king, so that
this will never happen again."
"He'd have to be utterly malleable," said CIA guy.
"And none too smart", said Vlad
"Telegenic" said CIA guy.
"With absolutely no backbone whatsoever..." stated Vlad
At this point everyone in the room was looking at me. Yea me! I'm king
of the world!!!
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
"Saggy bottom", I answered. "Perhaps some crunches are in order"
"No Mr. President, I mean the CIA. He's here with Rahm"
"Well show them in."
It was good to see Rahm. He's so busy running the country that I don't get to see him as much as I used to. He strode in confidently with a thoroughly non-descript man. Probably in his forties. He could have been anyone.
Rahm said "We have an important briefing for you."
The CIA Guy answered "Do we? I haven't decided yet."
"He has met Drooz" answered Rahm with a shrug.
CIA guy was not impressed. "You mean the greys? An alien race hell bent on mankind's destruction? That doesn’t even make it through the junk mail filter on my blackberry. I ignore scarier things than that everyday."
"Look, you are bound by law to tell him. He has the need to know."
I needed to take charge- "Gentleman you will end this nonsense and brief me."
The CIA guy looked at me like he would look at a bug he was about to squash- it was a scary look. "Isn't that cute, he thinks he is in charge."
I now felt very uncomfortable, I did what I do best in these situations. I deferred to Rahm.
"Barry," said Rahm, "We need to talk about Michael Jackson."
"What about him?" I asked. I was always a big fan, so I wondered what the CIA had on him.
Rahm's answer was unbelievable. "He was head of the Illuminati- and the Nights of Columbus. Because the Illuminati is leaderless the is a vary real threat of a global economic meltdown."
I was fascinated and interjected "Like last fall?" CIA guy answered "He said "real" numb nuts." I wondered who's nuts were numb.
"That's not all. There is a very real chance of open warfare between the Knights of Columbus and the Shriners." added Rahm
"Wow my money is on the Knights- they've got swords" I said.
"I'm not worried about the swords" said CIA guy. "They both have nukes"
Yep, it's been an interesting day...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
We have to look at the big picture. Socialized medicine is good for everyone. Well almost everyone. As long as you don't need a kidney. Or hernia surgery. Or an anal abscess. Or if you are currently paying for your own (superior) health care. The important thing is that everyone will have access to free abortions. And that's good for everyone.
Friday, June 26, 2009
She slinked in, unannounced, to talk about the big cap and trade bill. She's from California and her district makes out pretty good. Not a coal plant within miles of Pelosiland...
She moved around the room, focusing her attention on everything, yet nothing at all. Then she hit me with it.
"You have to do something about cap and trade. We don’t have the votes..."
"Shouldn't this be directed at your whip?" I answered?
She shot mw a come hither look that would have made Eartha Kitt proud, and softly said "Meoooowww". That sight will be burned into my mind forever. It was sort of like seeing your great grandparents make love. You know you shouldn't be watching, but find yourself unable to look away. Not for any salacious reason, mind you- you watch out of sheer horror.
"Barry- where you lead, the people follow" she purred. There hair was now standing up on my neck. Now I felt really creeped out- as if my great grand parents wanted me to watch.
I assured her that she needs to work the house for herself. That's where it got really weird. She faked a heart attack. "This is it- this is the big one. Here I come FDR!"
Personally, I would have thought she would have called out to a Kennedy, like so many other women before her. She plopped down on the couch, clutching her chest. "I'm coming Frankie..."
"Nancy, that's not going to work this time," I added. You'll need to do your own dirty work. I have a sandwich to make. Eating helps me ignore Iran.
This sure is a funny place to work.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I'm better than you because:
- I'm prettier and more photogenic.
- Newsweek proclaimed that I am Christ like- has Newsweek done that for you?
- I have transcended religion to become a secularist savior. Sort of like Flash Gordon. (King of the Universe!)
- I have overcome my upbringing- in suburban Hawaii.
- My kids go to a better (private) school than yours.
- I must be pretty great because people fawn over me 24 hours a day.
- You drive a Chevy- I get around in my own personal 747.
- I have Geithner working for me. That makes me smarter. And if Geithner is the only person on earth that can save our economy, that must make me some kind of uber-human.
- I used share will power to push the voting button in the Senate- never moved a finger.
- I look better in a bathing suit.
- My wife has a hot body- your wife has flabby arms.
- I take my wife to Paris for lunch. You take yours to McDonalds. That's why she has flabby arms.
- I wear woman's underwear. Oh wait- that's a secret.
Feel free to add your own reasons that I am better than you in the comments.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
"Hey, Barry! Hot DOG, it's a beautiful day!" said Bill.
All I could think at that moment was that beauty is in the eye of the beholder- and my day had just become a lot less beautiful. I managed a half hearted "How's it hanging?", which I regretted immediately.
Bill started walking toward me and was wildly gyrating his hips- "It's hanging free and proud, baby!"
I had to ask- "Bill why are you naked?" He was ready with an answer.
"Barry, we both know that without the New York Times, neither one of us would be standing here. This was their idea. They said Nakedness was now Green! Best day of my life. I've been walking around but nekid ever since. Happiest I've been in years. It just saves me so much time."
"How so?", I ventured
Well, Barry, people don't always realize this. I'm a playa. I like the ladies, and the ladies like me. Now there's no more guessing. What they see is what they get."
"Sick?" I asked.
"NO- I'm talking about little Bill. I mean, on the way here, I was chased all the way by a lady cop."
"Bill I need you to put some pants on- Madeline Albrecht is stopping by..."
"Truer words have never been said, Barry. Little Bill has been there before- and doesn't want to go back." answered Bill, as I through a pair of dockers at him. I keep them here, this isn't the first time I've caught Bill 'hanging out' in the oval office.
Well time for my meeting- I'll fill you in later.
It's a good read. Guess I'll have to share...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
101 Freedoms and Rights the Progressive Left Doesn’t Want You to Have
The Freedom to keep what you earn and spend it as you please.
I support each and every Americans right to earn as much as possible, and the federal governments right to keep those earnings. See, we are on the same page!
The Freedom to take risks, and live with the consequences.
As any good American knows it is the federal governments job to protect us from risky behavior. This is true whether we are talking investments or bizarre sexual behaviors. We got you covered!
The Right to participate in the political process by donating money to causes you support (like Proposition 8 in California) without being harassed by radicals
We are not trying to harass you. We are trying to make you better by accepting our point of view.
The Freedom to work in a shop without belonging to a union.
Why would you want to do that? What's good for GM is good for the country!
The Freedom to use a secret ballot when voting to unionize.
I can't support this secret ballot thing. What would we do with ACORN?
The Freedom to express conservative opinions on talk radio.
You can express any opinion shared by your savior, Barry O. Why would you need other opinions?
The Freedom to express conservative opinions as an invited speaker on a college campus.
Hmmm. I don't think this is a problem. Conservatives are not invited to speak at such events.
The Freedom to express conservative opinion on the Internet.
You can discuss whatever opinions you want- the federal government is monitoring you anyway...
The Freedom to debate whether disparities in achievement among races and sexes is a product of genetics.
This is also a non- starter. Everyone is equal. No need to discuss.
The Freedom to question whether Global Warming is really happening.
I'll pass this one over to Al Gore. I don't really understand all those big words that he uses.
The Freedom to earn a market salary in the Financial Services industry.
You can, so long as the federal government sets the market.
The Freedom not to be pressed into involuntary service to the state.
Well,that’s going to really hurt my plan for Americorps...
The Freedom to purchase and drive an SUV or any other vehicle you choose.
We can also ignore this. Soon GM and Chrysler will be out of this business. (What? What is this Ford you speak of? Everyone knows that you cant run a car company without the Federal government...)
The Freedom to own a pickup truck.
The Freedom to wear fur, leather, or other material made of a formerly living creature.
EEEEWwwwww. Why would you want to get full of paint?
The Freedom to fire an employee for any reason, or for no reason at all.
I believe in this- it's why if fired Gerald Walpin
The Freedom to join with others to criticize a politician within 30 days of an election.
You can criticize any Republican you like- even before the 30 days are up.
The Right to carry a firearm in public for your own defense.
Why would you need to do that. Doesn’t everyone have armed guards?
The Freedom to discuss a military career with a recruiter at a public school or university, as well as the right to participate in ROTC.
I never understood the military and probably never will...
The Freedom to purchase health care in a free market.
My health care plan is better, regardless of what the numbers say. Really, a 15% value added tax is so little to pay to ensure the same amount of people...
The Freedom to choose a school for your child.
The government already chooses a school for you. Why put forth the extra effort for your little curses?
The Freedom for private schools to compete on an equal footing with public schools.
My daughters private school is doing just fine...
The Freedom to fire an incompetent public school teacher.
You forgot the word tenure, didn't you?
Well, I'm tired now- time to get back to ignoring the situation in Iran...
Friday, June 19, 2009
Couldn't they send another ship, I mean I used to live there. Now all that stands between the certain destruction and Obama's homeland is John McCain? Seems like there must be a lesson in there somewhere for all of us...
Monday, June 15, 2009
Anyway, the dream was horrible. I was sitting in the Oval Office, and I was surrounded by monkeys. All the monkey’s had Rahm’s face. Worse yet, the monkeys spoke with Geithner’s voice. The monkeys were all eating cheetos. They had the orange cheese powder all over their lips and fingertips.
The monkeys kept trying to massage my shoulders, with their powerful orange fingers. The cheeto dust was rubbing off on my freshly pressed white shirt. To make matters worse, one of the monkeys kept trying to cop a feel. He’d look at me with those beady little monkey eyes and say (with Geithners voice) “Come on baby, time for some hot, greasy monkey sex.” Then he would stick his tongue in my ear. While this was happening, Humpy was having his way with three off the monkeys. Then Bill Clinton came in…
Somehow, this must be Rush Limbaugh’s fault. It always is when it involves , greasy monkey sex.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Democracy is important. I get that. That's why I cast my absentee ballot today in the Iranian elections. My vote is the only way that I'll have any say as to what's going on over there. For those interested, I voted for Ahkmadinwhosits.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
I had kept watching TV while I waited for the staff to arrive. I bravely watched Cousin Eddie give his life to save us all. Then everyone started arriving.
"Mr. President- what happened, is it Top Korea?" Asked Hillary. I'm not sure what her problem is, but she just can't stop talking about Korea lately. Usually, I just ignore her when she goes off on this tangent. "No- it's the Aliens. I answered"
Rahm said, look we know about the aliens, you even met their ambassador. I even brought him with me after hearing the hysterical rant you left on my answering machine. Then Drooz walked in, and kicked me in the groin, as is his cultures tradition.
When I recovered. I looked nervously at Drooz. They communicate through scent and telepathy, so we had a translator. I needed to take swift action. I asked "Have your people destroyed LA?" He kicked me in the groin again. I said that he had all ready greeted me. He answered (through the interptreter) that the blow to the nards wasn’t to say hello- it was to say that I was a dumb ass. "We have not destroyed anything- yet."
I was nervous, but everyone else thought it was just Drooz being Drooz. I couldn't take that chance. I asked him what he wanted.
"Geithner alone, in the next room for 10 minutes." Rahm answered before I had a chance "Only 10 minutes? You can keep him..." Drooz cut him off and said that 10 minutes was "sufficient". Tim looked nervous, as he curled into a fetal position and started crying. We are all pretty used to seeing Geithner like that, though.
We sat in the room waiting for Tim to return. Hillary blathered on about Korea while we heard Tim interact with Drooz. Hillary stated that Top Korea's actions violated the treaty (Take my pants off? I'm not comfortable with that..."). Hillary continued that we cannot allow Top Korea to intimidate us. (That's a real big probulator, Drooz, I don't think that will work...). Hillary then said that we have to be ready to take action in the region (Oh, yeah! Spank me Daddy, SPANK ME!). Hillary stated that we needed to work with our allies and enemies alike to prevent the armistice from ending (Do you have a cigarette, Drooz, sweetie?).
Well, Geithner came back in, and Drooz beamed out. So we sat down and continued to discuss boring old Top Korea. Then something happened. You could physically see the change in Geithner. It was like a switch went off. He stood and said, "This GM thing is a real bad idea..." He even looked shocked at himself. "What about the share holders?" Then Tim got real uncomfortable. He even said "I don't know where that is coming from..." He then left to get a drink of water.
Yep, just another day in the Obama White House...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
"Did someone buy me a Hyundai"? I asked. Rahm said no. Then he punched Geithner for some reason.
"Oh I know, Hyundai is buying General Motors?" "No!" Screamed Hillary "Don't you read the papers?" She shrieked.
I answered that "Reading is not my forte." Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Mr President, North Korea-" I interrupted for some clarification. "Which one is that?"
"The one on Top." added Hillary. She was getting agitated. What had Bill done now?
She continued "Top Korea has stated it's intention to abandon the armistice that nominally ended the Korean War."
"Can't we handle it like our economy? You know, make some market negative blanket statements and then let China worry about it?"
"No Mr. President," added Hillary "you need to make a decision on how the United States will react."
I knew what I must do. I said, "I will go to the UN and address all the nations of the world. I will bravely stand before my equals and issue the statement that I built my legislative career around. I will proudly stand and state that I am 'Present'."
I knew that I had said the right thing- everyone stood around and looked awestruck. I think Hillary even had a tear in her eye.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
I set out looking for Bill Clinton- he still hangs out here quite a bit. I thought he might be able to help me with my Cheney situation. Usually when I need to find Bill, I head down to the intern pool. Since I needed to walk Humpy, I thought it would be a good time to take him for a drag. What I saw when I reached the intern pool shocked both Humpy and I.
Bill was lying there, almost naked. He was wearing only a red, white and blue pork pie hat and a Clinton/Gore 92 ankle bracelet. There was a rather porcine young lady licking peanut butter out of his belly button. She was dressed to look like Cookie the Clown . Stars and Stripes forever was blasting on the stereo. A second intern, dressed up as Wizzo the Wizard , was fanning Bill while also drizzling honey on his nipples. Bill had a Bozo the Clown wig on, under the pork pie hat. He kept on yelling "Guess what's in bucket number 6" while pointing at his genitals.
I have to tell you, this isn't what I thought I was getting myself into...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
It will, however, affect you. Your new cars will go up about 1300 dollars, and get slightly better gas mileage. This will allow you to feel better about yourself. Your car might be reposed, but you'll feel better about your gasoline usage. BTW, that's 44 extra dollars per month in car payment. IF you have good credit. You would save about 3 dollars per tank of gas. Most people fill up once a week. Your 44 dollars a month gets you 12 dollars a month in savings. Does this remind anyone of my economic plan? For the record, thats a 384 dollar a year loss for most new car buyers.
Monday, May 18, 2009
He said that he had brought me a gift, so I was quite excited. It was a box of fritters! I vociferously thanked Bebe. He continued to look at me sternly. He asked, "Do you notice anything?" I noticed that the fritters were shaped like a little girl. Bebe asked "Do you know the little girls name?" I said I did not. I love riddles! Bebe said, "Her name is Einat Haran, do you know who she is?" I asked if she had made the fritters. Bebe said that she had not. "She is a little girl who used to live in Israel. Palestinian terrorists kicked in her door, and drug her outside. They then hit her in the head many times with a rock. She died that day. My predecessor released her murderer."
I asked why he would do such a horrible thing. Bebe answered that "He was taking advice form the same people you are on this issue."
Maybe we do need some change around here...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Anyway, the restaurant is pretty good. I sat there alone, Rahm was going to come, but he couldn't. You know, he's Jewish. I pointed out that Rahm's record proves that no one is a bigger enemy of Israel, but that wasn't good enough...
To get back on message, today's lunch special was Chicken Parmesan. It tasted great, but gave me horrible gas. When I went home, no one wanted to be around me.
I had a meeting scheduled with Nancy Pelosi. She took it like a trooper. I know she noticed, because this was the worst gas I had ever had. I couldn't stop myself from making a variety of sounds, and odors.
Finally, after she had turned green, she asked if I was well. Then she asked if I wanted to postpone. We had 40 minutes left on the schedule, so I just smiled and said "Nope."
I think The Speaker would agree that even the water boarding briefings she didn't attend went better than this...
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Anyhow- when she moved in to consummate in the filthy, dirty ways that we are accustomed to (straight missionary, eyes closed, no more that 2.5 minutes, with plenty of crying afterwards), she noticed the stitches. She blamed Bill for some reason, and ran out. At least I think she blamed Bill, she said she had to find him "before the mood wore off" (whatever that means).
So she comes back 2 hours later. The walk must have relaxed her- she looked very serene. She started laughing and calling WangUS "FrankenWangUS". What does Al Franken have to do with this?
It said that of 441,000 absentee ballots requested by eligible voters living abroad - mainly active-duty and reserve troops - more than 98,000 were "lost" ballots that were mailed out but never received by election officials. Taking into account 13,500 ballots that were rejected for such reasons as a missing signature or failure to notarize, one-quarter of those requesting a ballot were disenfranchised.
So- to be clear. Disenfranchising a hundred thousand of America's finest
is not a problem. They tend to vote Republican, by at least a 3-1 margin.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
As you may have noticed, I'm calling the shots at Chrysler now. Today, I cut the advertising budget in half, I mean who going to buy one of those things anyway? Did you know that Chrysler actually makes cars in America? Who would want an American car, anyway?
To get things back on track, I have designed my own car. I call it Obama GTX. Here are the features:
- Super fuel efficient Briggs and Stratton 148cc engine
- 4.5 Ft/lbs of torque
- 2 hp
- Big mirrors on the sun visors
- Nike brakes
- Beverage holder
- Aluminum muffler
- Vinyl windows
To save on cost, all units will be painted bright orange. This also negates the needs for brake lights. The car will seat what my administration deems to be an acceptable family size (2.5 people). The Obama GTX realizes cost savings that only the government can achieve. The SMRP is 14.4 million dollars per unit.
Here's the critical piece of information:
I put some thought into this. It's kind of like what the administration is doing to the economy. We've set the economy on fire- as you can see we've burned it almost down to the ground. Most of the administration is on Dope (sin't it obvious), so we have that covered. Now it's only a matter of time before I have a baby boy. Wait, what were we trying to do?
Kailash "Kalau" Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a "fire bath"every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.
Monday, May 11, 2009
I was watching a special presentation of Star Trek. I thoroughly enjoyed the move, although I'm not sure where William Shatner was. Anyway, all through the movie I was sipping on one of those 144 ounce Mountain Dew's. By the time the movie was over, I was ready to float out of the Whitehouse Screening Room. I ran to the bathroom and started to answer natures call. That's when I heard Geithner.
As you can imagine, my first instinct was to zip up. As I found out, my first instinct should have been to tuck, and then zip up. I had caught it in my zipper. Now, I'm not one to complain, but I didn't know what to do. All my family and friends were waiting form me, and there I was with WangUS (Wang of the United States) caught in my zipper. I tried to slowly move the zipper, and in my panic wound up with WangUS further ensconced in my zipper. The pain was unbearable.
I had to think fast. We were following the movie with a Mothers Day cook out, so I grabbed my apron (Which in a startling coincidence read "Lets get the Sausage on the Grill") and walked slowly downstairs.
After two hours of this, there were tears in my eyes. I excused myself and went back inside. I took the apron off and stared at WangUS. He looked sad. He hurt. There was only one course of action. Grip and rip it.
14 stitches later I returned to the cook out. Not sure how I'm going to explain this to Michelle...
Friday, May 08, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
• Specter said that he would be keeping his seniority when he announced his party switch last week. Harry Reid didn't keep that promise- he did not keep his seniority. Harry said, "He is a person who's been in the Senate since 1980. I think he should be able to handle himself." So, there there it is, right form the lips of Harry Reid- experience doesn't matter in government.
• In an interview with Deborah Solomon, Arlen pointed out that he was hoping that the courts in Minnesota would do "justice" and declare former Republican Sen. Norm Coleman the winner in the contested Senatorial election. Arlen later told Reid that he briefly "forgot what team I was on." In all honesty, Specter forgot what team he was on long before this interview, so let's cut him some slack...
• Specter has done little to back off his initial assertion that his decision to switch parties was based entirely on political calculations. This is something I respect. It's the principle that my administration holds most dear.
So, to summarize, Arlen is our kind of guy, but that won't stop us from screwing him over. Again, what makes him any different than anyone else?
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Anyway, I realized that the only way that I was going to get Geithner out of my office was to either let him walk Humpy or let him vent. Since Humpy always comes back so sad when Geithner walks him, I thought that I'd just let him vent.
"Tim, what's wrong buddy?"
"It's the economy, again..." answered Geithner.
"Tell me of this economy you speak of."
"It's the system where goods and services are assigned value for the purpose of trade."
I thought that was interesting. No one had ever stated it to me in that way before. I always thought the economy was just me spending money, and the fed printing more money, or borrowing to cover my spending.
"So what's going on?"
"Well the banks need substantially more money to survive."
"I can solve that- just print more money."
I thought he'd be relieved, but he left more nervous than ever. Some people just don't get it...
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
The Secret Service drops us off at McDonalds and we go in. I decided to go with a McRib- the officially sandwich of the Obama White House. Joe couldn't decide. He finally whined "Maybe I'll try one of those fritters you are always talking about."
I said, "Joe, they don't have those here." He started crying. Can you believe that?"It's not fair- I'm the Vice- President. They should just make me some..."
He went on, getting more and more worked up until we had to leave. I'm never going to lunch with that guy again...
It is a very frustrating game. I feel like I'm completely unprepared to play this game. No mater what I do, the economy tanks, and Iran gets nuclear weapons. You don't even want to know what happens after that.
I've been practicing- I even read up on the Carter administration to try and apply it to this game. After all, who knows more about Iran and a bad economy than Jimmy Carter. That went really bad. I just don't know what to do...
Let me put this way. I am the mighty oak. My candidacy were the roots we put down to grow this mighty oak. ACORN was the seed I sprung from. The voter fraud is the filthy dirty soil that I planted my roots in.
So, just to make this clear. My candidacy was rooted in the filth that is ACORN voter fraud. Is that clear now?
Monday, May 04, 2009
"BARRRRRRRy" he said as he walked in "How's it hangin, my man."
"It hangs well, " I added. "Why is your face so brusied?"
"Well it's Hillary's 'Lady Time', you know, Aunty flow has come a callin'."
"That's enough Bill..." I added as quickly as possible, but I knew he was in a mood to share.
"Yeah. It's tough on her, she can't use those wussie feminine products from Safeway- she has to go full bore Home Depot"
I knew better, but I had to ask. "Full bore Home Depot?"
"Yeah, you know those Safeway things just don't work for her. She has to go with extra nappy paint rollers. That's the only thing that will stay up there."
There you have it. TMI.
Friday, May 01, 2009
The Smirking Chimp We share a deep dislike of President Bush and America in general. For this reason, the whole staff of the smirking Chimp made my list of potential Supremes. So much hatred and nonsense- so little talent. A perfect combination for a Democrat SC nominee!
The Dixie Chicks. Dumb as a box of hammers. They definitely have what it takes ti be a Dem Supreme. You don't need to know the law to render an opinion. Or have a cognizant thought. Or have a clue of what kind of threats we face as a nation.
Markos Moulitsas Zúniga of the Daily Koz. I owe him one. If he hadn't been the leader of Obama Love fest (Summer 2008) I'd still be stuck in the Senate. He has an IQ of about 65, which puts him 10 points up on the Dixie chicks combined score!
Cynthia McKinney. Cynthia likes to slap cops and yell a lot. She reminds of Rahm, with bigger testes. She's quick to play the race card- a plus for a lefty Supreme.
Thursday, April 30, 2009