Thursday, April 30, 2009
I know, I know. You think I have a crush on Sarah Palin. While Sarah is chock full of MILFy goodness, my heart belongs to another. I'm speaking of Michelle Bachman. True they both have sexy Tina Fey glasses and both know their way around a homey euphemism, but Michelle is so much more than just another gun nut.
I just love her, from the tip of brownish locks of hair to her hyperactive uterus (5 biological children!). She has such a big heart. 23 foster children have passed through her household. She has a degree from Winona State University. She's a lawyer, and as you know all lawyers have a special place in liberals hearts...
I melt when I hear my name pass through her full, luxurious lips. Anything she says sounds poetic. "I was hopeful that President Obama would have called for real earmark reform since he swore off earmarks during his campaign last year. Unfortunately, this has not yet occurred and the rules governing the earmark system continue to fall short. From what I’ve seen up to this point, I echo Senator McCain’s sentiments of frustration with the bipartisan abuse of earmarks." I don't even have to agree with what she says to love her.
Ohh, Michelle. It's to bad you are morally sound- I can't sway you to our side, like we did Arlen. It seems you actually believe in what you have been saying all these years.
- Gift of flowers.
- Gift of chocolate.
- A "Harsh talking to".
- A spa day.
- An enhanced spa day (with happy ending provided by Hillary Clinton).
- No TV for a week.
- No cell phone for a week
- A day at Six Flags (No Hello Allah vests will be worn by detainees!)
- Extra chores around the prison.
- Detainees will write a 300 word report on "Why I love the infidels".
I hope this clarifies things- I wouldn't want anyone to think that this administration is soft on terrorists.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
I knew now what to do- I sent Humpy to, ah, involve himself with the nearest police officer's leg. Then it was time for me to act. I grabbed the policeman's tazer. Who would have thought that a man dressed as an Arab in Tel Aviv would cause such a commotion by stealing a policeman's weapon? Fortunately, a bystander recognized Tim and yelled "That's Tim Geithner!", so no one interfered as I shot Tim with the tazer. My aim was off, and the two darts shot out and attached themselves to Tim's nipples. I pulled the trigger, and shocked Tim back to life.
By the time the commotion was over, the State Department had found us. We were quietly ushered back to the embassy, as Hillary berated us for infecting a friendly nation with the swine flu.
At least Tim is feeling better. He said that our adventure reminded him of "an average night in the village", whatever that means...
Well, now we are off to spread our infectious optimism, and find our fritters. I have a feeling things are looking up, now.
Cheese and Crackers! Tim stopped breathing!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I'd like to formally welcome Sen. Specter to our party. Sen. Specter is a real asset to our party, and to our nation. His leadership on political issues will be welcomed by our DNC party leaders. He is a great man that will continue to serve the people of Pennsylvania for years to come. This change will be celebrated for years to come.
Note from Three fingered Pete. I translated this for you!
I'd like to formally welcome Sen. Specter to our cabal. Sen. Specter is a petty arrogant ass. His desertion of his principles will be welcomed by our socialist party leaders. He a spineless bastard that now has no hope of re-election. This sellout will be disparaged for years to come.
"Ahmed, my man, I need to get out of the country, fast."
The cabbie looked me up and down and said "First, my name is Habib. Secondly, I must ask this only because of your ridiculous justice system, are you a policeman?"
I answered no, and the cabbie looked at Geithner. He noticed that we had found our way from Arlington, near the CIA headquarters. He then had a thought of his own. "He looks sick- where are you headed?"
I said "Tel Aviv", and Habib answered "ASSALAMU ALAYKUM, brother!" He continued on "TAHMID! TAKBIR, for sending you to us! We must get you some acceptable clothing. What a disguise you used to get by the Zionist Pigs!"
I'm not sure what all that means, but the cabbie drove us to an empty warehouse and gave us new clothes- including a very special vest for Tim. He gave me a cell phone and told me that when we get to our destination on Shenkin st., I should hit 'redial' and Allah would deliver to us a great victory. I knew that the Blackhawks were to start the Conference Finals this week, so I was all for a great victory. After we dressed the cabbie took us to an airstrip, and we boarded a small private plane and were off to Tel Aviv. These guys were very generous!
I had brought my iPod. I thought I would finally have a chance to listen to a new "book on tape" mp3 (reading is SO boring) that Michelle had purchased for me. I couldn't wait to start listing. I'm a big history fan- I believe we can learn from our mistakes, so I was eager to hear the English translation of Mein Kampf, as narrated by Harry Carry.
It's a long ride, and I'll update everyone in a little while. Can't wait to get those fritters!
Monday, April 27, 2009
he needs the one thing that ALWAYS makes me feel better. A sweet potato
fritter from Orna and Ella's on Shemkin st.. in Tel Aviv.
I knew that the Secret Service wouldn't let me leave the White house
unprotected, so I devised a plan where I would take the delirious and
constantly vomiting Geithner with me, coach class on a United Airlines
flight. Maybe the re-circulated air would make Tim feel a little better.
The first thing I did was order lunch. As the Navy guy valet started to
take the serving cart away I ordered him to leave it and sent him on his
way. The mess servants don't ask to many questions anymore, they are
just glad to be away from Humpy.
Geithner had passed out by now, so it was easy to move him. The weird
thing was that no matter how incapacitated Tim is, he always falls with
his buttocks up in the air. He's kind of like a reverse weeblo. Anyway,
no matter how hard I push this guy, he contorts his body so that his
rump is pointed up in the air. I finally find a way to cram his body
into the cart, when Humpy walks in. We've discovered that it is better
just to let Humpy finish what he is doing. He is the most persistent
animal I have ever met. The problem was the only part of Tim's body that
was exposed was his face.
I felt bad that I had to let Humpy finish. Things were getting pretty
tense, with Tim's persistent calls of "Oh Bruno!" (respect yourself, my
I was worried that the ruckus would alert someone. I'm not sure what
that was all about, but I wasn't even going to try to get between Tim
After Humpy had tired himself out, I knew that I must get a disguise. I
lured the Marine guy that hangs out outside of office inside. (What's he
doing out there, anyway?) I was certain of what I must do next. Being a
fan of Star Trek. I executed a perfect Vulcan nerve pinch. I thought I
nailed it, but the Marine guy just kept staring at me. Next I tried to
be authoritative- I ordered the Marine out of his uniform. I would use
it as my disguise. He looked over at Geithner (and Humpy- he had gotten
his second wind). The Marine said "You can hang me sir, there's no
fu__ing way I'm going to participate in what ever is going on here!" and
walked out. Oh well, on to plan C.
Bill had what he called "party attire" hidden in a false compartment in
the floor. Most of it was leather, but there were some other items that
I thought I could make use of. After discovering that all the Catholic
school attire was for women I settled on a policeman's uniform. The only
drawback was that it was also all leather. I quickly changed, and
started wheeling Geithner (and the ever persistent Humpy) out of the
White House. We hired a lot of former Clinton people, so I guess they
were used to the leather cop uniform. We were off and away!
Once I cleared security, we boarded a cab asked to be taken to the
Dulles International terminal. The cop kept looking strangely at us, for
some reason. It might be because Tim had vomited n himself, and I was
dragging him around in just a pair of spandex shorts he had on under his
suit. Between the shorts and Tim's pierced nipples (who knew?) he was
quite a spectacle. Finally a cabbie allowed us in, but he said he'd have
to charge extra for humpy, who had fallen asleep still latched on to
Geithner's face. I paid up, and we were off to the airport.
TO BE CONTINUED.
shivering and coughing a lot. Rahm just told him to suck it up and get
back to work, but Tim looked really sick. That's when Joe Biden
recommended that maybe Tim should stay in my office the rest of the day,
just to make sure he was okay. Being a good friend I said yes. Rahm, and
Joe high fived after that. I'm not sure why...
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Hillary started out by saying "Barry, listen carefully. I need your attention"
I thought that it must be important, so I put down my new Nintendo DSi and started to listen.
"The Taliban are 70 miles outside of Imamabad"
"Awesome!" I said.
"Excuse me?" said a flustered Hillary.
"If there was ever a people in dire need of cinnamon rolls, it the citizens of Islamabad. I've been there- they can really use some sweet, sweet, sugary goodness..."
Hillary was mad now. I wasn't sure why. Hillary continued, "I said Taliban, you douche. Not Cinabon."
I was about to ask her what the difference was, when she noticed a pair of panties peaking out of a planter. We usually find 2 or 3 a week. Strangely, W said he thought he had found them all midway through his second term. I knew that Bill was in for another savage beating. I feared that he could not withstand another head injury. It was then that I remembered something Bill tells me quite often. "Bros before hoes".
Just then Hillary shrieked "That rat-BASTARD!
"Wait Hillary- don't hurt Bill. The panties are mine."
"You son of a bitch. You aren't putting Michelle through what I-"
Still in a near panic, I cut her off. I had to convey that I would never cheat on Michelle. "No Hillary, they are mine- I wear the panties."
"That explains Geithner. Look dumbass, as a liberal I have to support your savage man love with Geithner. I don't have to like it, though. I'm going to take 10 minutes and clear my head. I'll grab the PowerPoint that explains to you what the difference between the Taliban and a Cinabon is- again. Please pay attention this time".
She left me, and I panicked. I stuck my head out the door and yelled "Geithner!" moments later he was in the Oval Office. I filled him in on what had happened, and we hatched a plan.
I instructed Tim to treat me affectionately whenever we were alone with Hillary. You know, a well placed pat on the shoulder, or to shake my hand for just a moment too long. This would be uncomfortable, but we had to take one for the team- the administration was counting on us. Geithner was strangely enthusiastic.
Well, things got weird when Hillary walked back in. Geithner literally jumped in my lap, while trying to unbuckle my pants, Geithner jammed his tongue in my mouth. I had sworn to myself that I would never find myself in a situation where Geithner's tongue was in my mouth (again) . As if this wasn't horrible enough- Humpy must have smelled something in the air. He crawled up to Hillary and mounted her meaty calf. Hillary was about ready to blow her top when the worst possible thing happened. Bill walked in.
"Hot DOG! It's a 90's style Oval Office par-tay!", said Bill. Then he noticed Hillary.
Hillary connected a solid roundhouse to Bills head. Fortunately, Humpy was flung off before she made contact. Unfortunately, he landed on Geithner neck where he, ah, finished up.
At least Humpy's attention got Geithner off my lap...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Chicago media. You see, once upon a time G-Rod was a media darling (like
me). He was such a popular figure that he was nicknamed G-Rod, sort of
like H-Rod the infielder or I-Rod the catcher, or the less popular
H-Rod, a former outfielder.
The media loved him, and his beautiful head of hair. We all marveled at
his beautiful hair, and his eloquent manner of speaking. These were
truly the Halcyon days of the Illinois Democratic Party. The previous
Governor, George Ryan had set the bar so low that we Democrats could do
After the barrage of political scandals that we unleashed by the media
and those filthy Norwegians yesterday, I thought we needed someone that
understood corruption inside and out. We needed to have the most corrupt
man I knew on our staff- so I personally called G- Rod and offered him
"You're fu__ing kidding me right? f__k yeah, I'll take the gig, but we
gots to talk cash first!" Truly it was a pleasure to be dealing with an
Illinois politician again. You always know where they stand.
"What do you have in mind?" I asked.
"Well, I don't want no f__ing salary- I have certain f__ing expenses..."
"Okay, what do you have in mind" I offered
"F__ing piecemeal work. I want to be a f__ing consultant. Bill for every
"How much are you looking for per hour?" I asked
"Well, we are trowing (sic) around f__ing trillions here- trow some of
dat (sic) my way."
"Per hour!?!" I gasped
"F__k yeah!" G-Rod spat back.
"I'm not sure we can swing that- you know that there is recession..."
"So da f__k what? I needs to take care of my family. My f__ing family
Such as lawyers, I thought to myself.
"Look," I offered "Here's what I can do. I can't offer you a political
appointment, or trillions of dollars. I can offer you hard work and a
shot at redemption."
"And f__ing cash?" answered G-Rod
"Some, though not enough to buy your way out of trouble."
"Do I get an office here? So, I can uh, make some f__ing 'friends'?
I thought the way he said friends was weird, but everyone needs a friend
"G-Rod-" I said. "I'll even bee your friend."
"He must be really lonely because he answered with a very enthusiastic
On the way out I heard him call his wife. "Patti, I'm f__ing in! We hit
the mother lode."
It's good to make new friends.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
and that you feel like you wasted your vote. But, you guys like Three
Fingered Pete, right? FOR GODS SAKE SHOW SOME PITY- HE'S DOWN TO HIS
LAST THREE FINGERS!
Geithner trying to peek, but this invasion of privacy was new behavior
for Rahm. "He was screaming "They got us!"
My first thought was of the filthy, duplicitous Norwegians- they can
never be trusted again. "Was it the damn dirty Norwegians?", I asked.
Rahm just looked at me with a blank stair. Like he didn't remember...
"Ah, no Mr. President, it was the Republicans."
"Ohh- politics, I thought." That was something that I actually
understand. "What did they do?" My money was on something Cheney
"The Republican wiretapping picked up Rep. Jane Harman telling a
suspected Israeli agent that she would lobby the Justice Department
reduce espionage-related charges against two officials of the American
Israeli Public Affairs Committee. The AIPAC are 'friends of the program'
and are the most powerful pro-Israel organization in Washington."
"So, she was caught peddling influence? What was for sale?"
"Well, the AIPAC rep promised to lobby Pelosi to appoint Harmon chair of
the Intelligence Committee after the 2006 elections."
Well, that didn't happen...", I offered. Rahm agreed, "Pelosi is way to
slippery to fall for that. She made this go away in 2006- but, she
didn't know about this court approved wire tap."
"So, basically, Harmon and Pelosi are caught in a similar position as my
old buddy 'G-Rod?' (Rod Blagojevich)"
"Yes...", answered Rahm.
We both said it at the same time- "Uh-oh..."
Monday, April 20, 2009
You may have noticed that we were nominated for some awards- they are
the same awards many of you have been nominated for. To say that it's an
honor just to be nominated would be a lie- we want to win this damn
Normally, only liberal bloggers get media attention for political views.
As conservatives, the only kind of attention that we are likely to get
is Homeland Security, but that's another story. Here's what I propose.
If you vote for Barry, leave a post on this piece. Include your page at
the bloggers choice award, and I'll log in and vote for you. This will
bring attention to our blogs, and to the Conservative movement. If you
don't have a blog, please vote for me anyway. I mean, let's face it does
the Huffington Post or My DD need anymore attention?
You can vote for Barry here:
that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was water boarded 183 times in March 2003.
Here we are, trying to make sure that this guy is prosecuted in a timely
and constitutional manner, and I find out that let him go surfing 183
times? I really must talk to the Army Guy about this...
Friday, April 17, 2009
It's labeled "hotline". I initially thought it was for room service. I
feeling a little hungry, so I picked it up today. To my astonishment, I
was immediately connected to my buddy Medvedev- the leader of Russia.
We explained the normal pleasantries, and Medvedev shared that he was
just getting ready to call me. He said "Vlad" was also there. So, I said
"Hello" and asked what was on their mind.
He said they were concerned by the War Games in Georgia. War is Gate's
department, so I asked the to wait while I called Secretary Gates. I
noticed there was no hold button on the old red phone, so I started
singing "The Girl From Ipanema" while we waited.
When I sung "Tall and tan and young and lovely," Putin says, "Why thank
you, you know I still work out..." and Medvedev says "How do you know
he's not talking to me- I'm the president."
That seemed to make Putin angry- "He's not talking to you, pig. He knows
that you are just a figurehead-"
Medvedev then tried to interrupt "But-" then I heard what sounded like a
sand filed suck hitting a mound of ground beef.
"Dmitry is napping, now" said Putin. "I have the authority to speak for
"Oh, I said. "I don't really have the authority to talk without someone
else in the office, so we'll have to wait"
Vlad just laughed and said "O, Barry O, you cannot possibly be the
simpleton that it seems. Let us talk about the manly arts, drinking
vodka, working out, our first kills..."
Fortunately, Gates got there just about then- Vlad was making me a
little uncomfortable. Medvedev woke up right then too.
"We need to talk about your puppets participating in war games in
I answered "Are the Muppets in Atlanta?" in my most serious tone. I knew
this was important.
Medvedev answered "I love that little green fellow 'Hermit', I think he
is called." That's when I heard the 'meat/sock' sound again.
Gates went on to explain that the war games were peaceful- Vlad still
seemed agitated. I guess we'll just have to see how this turns out...
in. As such, I am providing a list to you- my loyal followers. Those
that "worship" me, for lack of a better word. So here is some change
that you can trust- CNN and MSNBC have already adopted these changes!
- Somali Pirates- Somali Coast Guard
- Conservative Activist- Right wing terrorist
- Registered Republican- Right wing extremists
- Tea parties- Unauthorized testicular grinding activities
- Recession- Bush Recession
- Spending Bill- Gravy Train (DNC internal use only)
- Iraq War- Iraq was not renamed. We must strive to make people forget
that the Bush administration won this war before leaving office- so it
will no longer be mentioned in the media.
Islamic Fundamentalists- Anti-Zionist freedom fighters
- F-22 Raptor- Expensive cold war era spending. We'll need to
"overlook" China and Russia to sell this one.
- United States Navy- Will also be termed expensive cold war era
spending. We'll funnel the money designated for new weapons systems to
Sears- they will sell us canoes. These canoes should be adequate to
fight the Somali Coast Guard.
We'll provide updates as necessary. If you can think of any, please feel
free to comment!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Yes, it’s true. I was repeatedly tea bagged yesterday. It’s why I was “under the weather”. I mean, I want everyone to like me, so I went along with it. They were in my face all day. I was tea bagged on TV, I was tea bagged on the radio, I was even tea bagged at the Whitehouse. The tea bagging continued into the night. Those Republicans really rubbed my face in it. It was so bad even Michelle noticed.
“Baby daddy, why you lookin so down? You look like someone just hit you in the head.”
“Yeah, I feel like it too. Almost like someone held me down and hit me in the face with something, over and over again.” I answered.
It was definitely a bad day.
So much has been made by the report on right wing extremists, that I thought I’d add some clarification.
Many things have been said about the report, but I want to assure you that this isn’t what you think. It’s not an attack on our democracy. It’s not an attack on the GOP. It’s merely an attack on my enemies and their means to effectively campaign in a legal manner.
We know that not all “Right Wingers” are extremists. That’s not going to stop our efforts to silence them. This isn’t so much a concerted attack on your rights, as it is a political move designed to mock and embarrass you- and possibly intimidate you.
Hope that clears things up!
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Three Fingered Pete fully endorses this effort!
thrusted away at his leg. Tim didn't seem to mind all that much, except
that Humpy tends to vomit while "showing affection", as Michelle puts
it. Last night was chili night at the White House, so Humpy's stomach
was upset a little more than usual.
"It's my childhood pet, Spot, but everyone calls him 'Humpy'" I
"That's funny- that's my nickname at the public baths" stated Geithner-
an uncomfortable silence followed.
"I finally worked up the courage to ask Tim why he had come to see me, as
Humpy continued to work away at his leg.
"Well, I have bad news-" There was surprise. He continued "We found out
Captain Phillips is a 'Hard R'" A hard R is someone that voted in the
last three Republican primaries. Geithner continued on. "Hannity is
trying to get him on his TV show. It appears that he actually wants
credit for his bravery in standing up to the pirates. He also has this
weird expectation that the American government should be responsible for
the safety of it's citizens."
I couldn't believe that this lonely old sailor was trying to jump on my
bandwagon. I'm the one that told the SEaLs that they could open fire.
What did he do? Anyone can stand there with a gun in the back of their
head. I'll have to get Rahm on this- that guy can discredit anyone...
It's always good to have powerful friends. I just wanted to use this space to thank Phil Specter for his support, before he goes away. Maybe he can share a room with my brother?
Monday, April 13, 2009
about the dogs. Yes, I said dogs, with an 's'.
While Michelle and I prepared for our new family pet, I thought back to
my first dog, whom my beloved toot nicknamed humpy. I wanted my
daughters to share the same excitement I had when I picked out my
beloved Humpy. I shared how important this was to Michelle, and she
agreed- we loaded up Air Force One, and the family was off to Hawaii.
I still remember the place we bought Humpy. It smelled of drywall and
urine. It was in a dilapidated part of Honolulu, known as murderers row.
My mother would often drop me off to play. As we approached the store, I
was delighted to see that it was still there. Crazy Wally's house of
crack and puppy mill. I knew the mean streets of Honolulu, and reassured
the secret service agents that all would be fine. They Secret Service
didn't seem happy too happy- but now that I have authorized the Navy to
take out 3 half starved lunatic pirates, I know what it is to be a man.*
I strode confidently past the crack whore that guards the door- we were
there for the dog. As soon as my daughters saw the new friend, I knew it
was worth the taxpayer dollars spent to make this happen. As the secret
service rushed my family out- something caught my eye...
It was a horrible looking beast- most of the fur had fallen our, it's
ears had been cut off, and it was missing a leg- he had obviously been
hit by a bus- a microbus. It was Humpy! As he drug himself to greet me,
tears started top stream down my cheek. I was so happy to see this
tattered old beast, who I had assumed had dutifully waited for me for
the past 35 years.
"Shop keep- where did you get this old rascal?" I asked.
"Well my father sold it to this ugly, really dumb kid 35 years ago"
Obviously Humpy has had multiple owners. "We found him out back a few
months later. He was missing his ears, and back leg- all his fur had
fallen out. We were trying to be humane and put him down, but no mater
how much crack we gave him, he just kept getting stronger. Pretty soon
he was humping everything that couldn't get away."
"So, now that he's older I assume the hormone issues are gone?" I asked
"Not really", answered the shop keeper. "He pretty much only moves to
shit himself, hump anything that wanders too close."
Still, I knew that I must have him back. Humpy would spend his golden
years basking in the sun at the White House.
"How much for this magnificent animal?" I asked.
"Well, I'll give you that filthy, pathetic wretch- but if he doesn't get
his 'crunch and munch', he goes wild.
"Crunch and munch?" I asked.
The shop keeper answered "Just give me 1500 bucks, and I'll get you set
That was some expensive dog food, but Humpy is finally home.
*Note from 3 Fingered Pete- This website wholly condones the eradication
of piracy and all pirates- and wishes the President had actually done
something to end the problem. We are, however, quite happy about the
Friday, April 10, 2009
going to hit the town!
I want to do something special for Michelle, so I called on Bill. This
was right after the chemical castration. We are putting the chemicals in
his afternoon Big Mac, so he doesn't suspect a thing. I summoned him to
my office for a little of the wise and sage advice that he will
I said "Bill, I need your advice." Bill was not acting normally- he
looked pretty upset about something. "Whadaya want", he answered. He was
"I need some advice about where to take Michelle on our date"
"I don't know, Barry- I've got my own problems..."
I asked him what was wrong. He answered "little Bill"
I thought he was talking about Chelsea- they look so much alike. I said
I just saw her and she was fine...
"No, not that little Bill- the important Little Bill- the one that hangs
out at the intern pool..."
"Bill, he's not literally "hanging out" at the intern pool, is he?
"Not anymore. Whoo- doggy, he just won't come out to play. I'm scared.
He's been my constant companion as long as I can remember..."
"Well, have you tried the affection of Hillary?" We both had a good
laugh at that one.
"I think I have an idea," Bill said. "Little Bill needs some new
friends- do you have Angela Merkel's number? Maybe she can dress up like
a garbage man- that usually works."
I stated that I was pretty sure that Ms. Merkel didn't want me giving
out her number to men with less than honorable intentions.
How about Natalie Wood- do you know where I can find her?
I said "I'm pretty sure she's dead, Bill"
Bill only answered "And?"
All I could think was "And, indeed."
"Look Bill, we've got to find you a new hobby. Perhaps you could try
getting a metal detector."
"Nah, that's the worst hobby ever"
"Maybe I should try drinking- heavily"
"Well, it will occupy your time..."
Thus, Bill was off to the package store.
What's the worst that can happen?
As you can see, I took a little time to picnic with Hill. Not even the war, the economy, and the fate of an American hostage could keep from my tea time with Hill.
We had serious business to discuss. Hillary asked me for a favor. "I know Bill is hanging out in the intern pool. I need this too end"
I told Hill that I haven't even found the White House library yet, let alone the pool. I didn't know what I could do. She had a suggestion. "Chemical Castration" she said.
I answered that castrating me is not going to get the economy rolling again- the Republicans had actually done a study on that. She said "Not you, dumb ass, Bill"
I said "Oh". I have to admit, I feel a little guilty. I signed an executive order authorizing the castration. Feel free to speak up and tell me if I was right to do so. I did notice that most of the interns seem a lot less jumpy now...
Let me go on the record as saying that I fully support Harry Knox. I recently appointed him as an advisory council member on the White House Office of Faith-Based and Neighborhood Partnerships. It seems that some of his statements on Catholicism may have been taken out of context. Good Friday seems like an acceptable time to set the record straight. Mr. Knox is on the record as saying:
The Knights of Columbus, a Catholic fraternal service organization, are "foot soldiers of a discredited army of oppression" for their role in a pro-marriage campaign, saying the group "followed discredited leaders," including bishops and Pope Benedict.
That's pretty clear. He called the Head of State for Vatican City a discredited leader. This head of state is also the head of the worlds largest denomination of Christians- There's over a billion Roman Catholics in the world. He also called out the Knights of Columbus. Damn them and their insurance coverage for uninsurable children! And their community work! Probably just a branch of the illuminati anyway.
The important thing here is, that my administration will continue to pander to 3% (homosexuals) of the population- even if we do so at the risk of alienating 24% of the population (Catholics).
Just to clarify, this is a wholly political move. Some have accused me of appointing Harry Knox to deflect criticism from my beloved liberal constituents after I invited Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy to be part of the same council. Tony, is an evangelical Christian who supported efforts in Indiana to ban same-sex marriage in 2007. Tony really saved me on this one by declining my offer, citing scheduling conflicts. Now I am trying to placate the homosexual lobby by appointing Mr. Knox.
I hope this clarified everything. Between this and my Notre Dame problem, I hope everyone is completely clear on where this administration stands on Catholics!
Thursday, April 09, 2009
pollution molecules straight up in the air. They talk that the
technology necessary to do this isn't ready. They say that we are
playing with fire- meddling in things we don't understand. There has
been a fundamental misunderstanding of my proposal. No new technology is
needed. I merely suggested, that from this point forward, Harry Reid
and Nancy Pelosi should look straight up when speaking. This should
generate more than enough pollution to get the job done.
love amnesty- it reminds me of Amnesty International, and fills me full
of all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelings. I knew I was immediately for
this proposition. He had me at the word amnesty.
Then I learned of the actual benefits. I know what you are all saying-
because it's what I said not so many months ago "This is not going to be
a free ride. It's not going to be some instant amnesty," but the
benefits of instant amnesty far outweigh the risks.
The biggest benefit is we can finally (legally) register all those
illegal aliens that the Democratic Party has been courting for years. A
side effect is that this will also help the economy- business will now
be able to legally hire these immigrants instead of the far more
expensive "gringos" they are forced to hire now. It's a win/win! The
illegal's get jobs, and through registering them as voters, I'll get a
shot at keeping my job!
Chalk up one more change- change that's good for the Global Community!
Note from 3 fingered Pete:
Barry does have a "real" facebook page. Presently it's kind of pathetic. Additionally, there is a Barry Ohh (facebook blocked my request for a more acurate name) fanclub.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
experiences on this blog. Today I will share the story of my first love.
Professor Trish Manley.
It was my freshman year, I was full of hope, and the urge to try new
things. I didn't get many dates in High school- it's hard to ask a girl
to the prom from the inside of a locker. So, I left my native
Illinois/Hawaii/Nebraska for college. I was aching for new experiences.
I had known that I wanted to be a community organizer for years. The
curriculum called for a class called "Transgender Studies" So I signed
right up. That's when I first saw her. Trish was stunning. There wasn't
a single thing that I didn't find enormously attractive. Her 6'3 height
and strong hands. Her short blond hair and the way she always wore
slacks. The way I could spend hours in her arms licking and caressing
that wonderful adams apple. She was a once in a lifetime find. I was in
One night, as we chatted over a dinner of sweet potato fritters, I
stared into her eyes. I knew we were ready. We left the restaurant and
practically ran to the hotel. I'd like to say we went all the way, but
we didn't. She was a true lady until the end. That night she did
everything she could possibly do without removing those boxer shorts
(I've always found boxers attractive on a woman, this must be why). She
could do things with her mouth, well, a gentleman never tells.
I still miss Trish. Sometimes I feel that Michelle is just missing
something. I wonder what it could be?
I'll use this space to offer some input. I think the movie should be called "The Story of O". Can you think of a better name for a clean cut all American movie? Here's what I think the movie should focus on.
The true story of my youth:
- Dad never liked me- he chose to leave the country rather than be my father. Guess who's' laughing now! I'm the pres and that bastard is DEAD.
- My beloved pet, Humpy.
- My struggles in school. No matter how many times I failed, uh, English, I, uh, hung, uh, in there.
Barry as a Young man:
- My relationship with Jane Fonda.
- How I met Geithner
- How I met Michelle
- A brief explanation of what a community organizer actually does. When some one figures it out, please let me know.
- My first day in college- and my crush on professor Tish Manley.
My ascendancy to greatness:
- My time in the Illinois Senate. This will be short, I didn't actually do anything,
- My Time in the U.S. Senate. Ditto
- My glorious 8 years as leader of the free world.
Intel has also told us that Jason Bay defected to the Boston area (I knew he couldn't be involved). The Pirates are now led by someone called Jack Wilson. Curious- that doesn't sound like a Somali name...
Oh my- what if Jason Bay is involved somehow?
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Feel free to drop by and vote.
Back during the primaries, I saw Bobby Jindal and thought- now that's a charismatic and intelligent man. I can pull off the charisma, but the intelligence thing, ah, is ah, well, it, ah, escapes me, sometimes. Jindal is well spoken and I had to have him on my team. So I called Axelrod and said, how about we truly do something different. How about Jindal as a VP. "He said no, it's Joe's turn." That didn't stop me though.
As you may know, I went on to win the General Election. So now I work for Rahm, and not Berry. So I tried again. I went to Rahm and said, I want Jindal on the team. Rahm started laughing and just walked out. So I asked again. He said "Look, we can't have that type of person in here." I was offended- it shouldn't matter if he was from latin America- he needs to be treated like everyone else. I asked "Is it because he's Catholic?" Rahm chuckled and said no, it's because he is Republican."
That I understood. So I set out to found my own swarthy Latin politician. That’s when I watched "House" and saw Kal Penn. I knew I had my man.
Kal will basically be running all our Public Laison efforts. As you know, we don't really do much here, besides liaison with the public. So he'll be busy.
Note from 3 fingered Pete. Yes, this is true. Kumar is going to the Whitehouse.
So anyhow, W says "Say hello to my little friend!" I think what the hell is going on here, a coup? I dive behind the desk- and nothing happens.
"What the hell's the matter Barry? Asked W. "Is that anyway to act in front of a guest?"
First, I thought this must be a trick. Then I thought, well, he could have just walked around the desk to finish me off, so I slowly stuck my head out. I was quite amazed by what I saw.
It was a little grey man with big eyes standing next to W. He looked like a cross between a little shrunken Cheney and a hooker -surly and leathery. Demanding. Worn out. Just Like Cheney. He was also wearing six inch pumps, like a hooker.
I stuck out my hand, and sure enough the little guy approached. What kind of wisdom did he have to share with me? Will he solve our energy problems? Provide an end to starvation or cure cancer? I knew this would be a life changing moment.
He stopped right in front of me and looked me up and down. I noticed a peculiar smell- like Italian salad dressing. Then the a smell I cold only describe as a cross between road kill and Gordon Brown's breath. It was the worse thing I had ever smelled (at least until I had met Bono- but that's another story). I was overwhelmed by a feeling of confusion and grief (okay, the confusion was normal, but the grief was new). Then the little bastard kicked me square in the jewels. I dropped like a rock.
"Oh, Sorry" said W, "He does that sometimes. His name is Drooz".
I then noticed this horrible sound. It sounded like the sound a lemming would make when he realized that he had made a horrible mistake. And after he was set afire. And had needles poked in his eyes, while being sodomized by a red hot fireplace poker. It was the second most horrible thing I had ever heard. (Editors note- voters all over the country have started making the same sound).
"What is that?" I asked.
"Oh, he's laughing. It's the only sound that they make. They communicate through smell", said W. "He's our ambassador from Zeta Reticuli- he doesn’t do much. He'll show up- usually drunk, without saying or doing anything, then he's gone."
I had to ask "What does an alien get drunk on?" W answered "Pabst Blue Ribbon"
Well, I always wondered who was actually drinking PBR...
Monday, April 06, 2009
The 8th dimension (The lizard people really scare me)
But, remember- it's okay to go to Cuba, and it's okay for any terrorist to sneak in and live here. We'll also let Cuban terrorists vote.
So, we get on a plane (why was W able to get Turkey in DC and I can't?), and I'm thinking this is going to be damn good Turkey if we have to fly half a day to get.
We finally get there, and they rush me to the hotel. No turkey. Then we go to meet some guy named Erdogan. There's this big table, and I sit down. I have my carving knife in my lapel pocket, and I'm ready for my Turkey. Erdogan comes in and sees me holding a knife. Next thing I know, the Secret Service is fighting with these strange guys. I yell, "When am I gonna get to cut me some turk?"- and everyone starts pulling out guns.
What a weird day...
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Friday, April 03, 2009
What we need is a a little love. Not dirty, dirty, man on man Geithner love, but linky love.
If you have a blog and like what you see, please, for the love of God, link to us. Leave me a message and I'll link back. Also, please feel free to tell your friends. We also now have a little button so you can share us on Twitter, Facebook, or any other social network. Again, we return our favors around here, and we are close to hitting it big. Lastly- If you follow our blog on the google friend connect applet, Barry will return the favor.
Mostly, thanks for your patronage. This is working out better than I thought possible. Special thanks to our regulars- your posts and replies are truly appreciated.
There is one more special mission, should you choose to take it. There's no cash involved, but there will be much linky love. I need caricatures of Barry, Bill, Hill and the rest of the cabinet. Just to spruce things up a bit.
I was only 9 years old. So young. So full of promise. So lazy. Toot (my grandma) thought that a pet could teach me responsibility. We agreed that a dog was the way to go.
I knew exactly what kind of dog I wanted. Really, it was the same kind of dog any boy wants. Brave. Strong. Masculine. I took this all into account and went to Toot. "Toot, I want a poodle". Well she laughed and laughed, finally saying "No really, what kind of dog do you want?" I reiterated that I wanted a miniature poodle. She shook her head and said okay. I think part of her died that day...
So the next day, Toot comes home with a completely white miniature poodle. I thought for a moment- what is the perfect name for a spotless white poodle. Spot, of course! I knew that spot and I would become great friends.
Toots never liked the name spot. She said we should call him "Humpy". I never got that reference. Anyhow, we played all day, and went to bed exhausted. I awoke the next morning, feeling little wet pats on my cheek. I thought to myself that every boy should be so lucky as to awake to his new best friends soft doggie kisses in the morning. I kept my eyes closed and enjoyed Spots affection for a moment longer.
When I finally opened my eyes, I was horrified to see little doggie hips repeatedly thrusting toward me. "Cheese and Crackers!" I thought "that pink thing hitting me in the face isn't spot's tongue!"
That's how I woke up everyday for the next 4 months, until Toot accidentally ran over Spot. I still can't figure out why she parked in the middle of the back yard that day, or the tire tracks all over the back yard...
You have to understand, we have protocol officers and translators. Really, I didn't have a clue of what was going on. Just as I do in the Oval Office, I pretty much just shut up and follow directions. So here's the story.
I walked in with my protocol guy, and he says "Follow my direction, and we'll get through this okay." So we walk in, and the king says, I think he said "Hoof ta hog toof". The translator says "The king greets you and wishes to express his desire to foster a good relationship between our two great nations."
Then the king says "Halooga". Translator guy added "As long as you know who wears the keffiyeh and who wears the abaya.
I answered "I too, wish to foster a good relations ship between our people, but I don't understand the reference"
The king answered "Hoof ta hog toof". The translator said "We lead 2 great nations. Like a camel and it's rider crossing the great desert, our fates are interlocked."
Then the king said "Halooga".- "but make no mistake, it is I who is driving, and you who is being ridden"
All I could do is offer up "Uh."
The king continued "Hoof ta hog toof"- "Now let us cement the relationship between our great nations-" "Halooga"- "Down on your knees, for you are my bitch"
So there you have- it all seems so much better now, right?
Thursday, April 02, 2009
I needed to vent, so I called Bill. I told him what was bothering me and he offered his help.
"Dang, that's a tough one, Barry. I think I know what the problem is".
I had to know- Bill was an overseas legend.
"It's Hillary. I mean, you know her. She can be difficult."
Difficult is right- I she almost beat Geithner to death over the last can of Ginger Ale on Air Force One.
"What should I do?" I asked- Bill has worked for Hillary for 30 years, so he should know.
"Well, first, you need to send her on a whirlwind tour. The ladies, they like to travel. Send her to every country on earth, as a goodwill ambassador. That will make a serious impression."
I was impressed that Bill was willing to sacrifice his time with his wife- I'll have to consider this!
Anyway, that Cantor guy was pretty harsh. Spend this, spend that. I was with him until he explained that he was against all the spending- wow, can you imagine? After he left, I called in Geithner. We needed to talk.
"The Republicans are worried about spending" I said.
Geithner replied "I haven't heard that in 8 years, what's bugging them now?"
"Well, Cantor said we are spending more than we have, is that true?"
Geithner thought for a moment- you can tell when he's having trouble with a concept (which happens in most conversations). He finally answered-
"I don't think so.", but I needed more information.
"How can you be sure that we are not out of money?"
Geithner was thinking hard now- and then you could see the light bulb light up over his head.
"We have to have money left- we are not out of checks!"
Boy, was I relieved...
Travel makes me constipated, and boy was I hurting by the time we hit London. Air Force One used to be used by President Bush, therefore, my constipation is his fault.
The car companies are really hurting right now- and conveniently enough, George Bush has driven a car- so it's Bush's fault! See it's easy.
Jupiter's Great Red Spot is shrinking That was more Rove's hot air than Bush- but hey, he worked for Bush...
The war in Iraq- This really bothers me because Bush had the audacity to actually win the war before I could cut and run. I'll just keep saying it's a lost cause- that worked for Harry Reid.
The economy. Bush's massive spending tanked the economy- wait a minute. My spending is going to triple the budget deficit over 5 years. What's Michelle Bachman going to be saying about me in 2013?
We were pretty tired after that, and settled down to split a bottle of what Medevev called "Old Boris's best friend". It looked like water, but made me feel funny. Anyhow, long story short, I think I might have given Alaska back to the Russians. Sarah was right- she can see Russia from Juneau now!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Okay, so I'll confess. Conficker is a government spending plan. Rahm designed it. Basically, the virus will grab control of your windows based computer and search for a credit card number. The virus will then determine how much credit limit you have left, and adjust your tax bill by the same amount. Finally, the card is charged for the tax increase.
Hey, I had to pay for the spending bill somehow...
We were first alerted to the presence of the Iranian platoon when a shot rang out, and SSgt Thomason slouched over. Then something truly bizarre happened. I remember hearing Geithner scream "Noooooooo!" I know this sounds silly, but I can swear he also said "I loved him"- funny what the desert can do to your hearing.
Anyway- this is where it starts to get weird. Geithner charges the Iranian platoon and engages them in a style of martial arts I have never seen before. He looked like a limp wristed, effeminate ninja. Here's the strange part- he was singing and dancing through the whole fight.
"On the first part of the journey- step 2,3,4" he said, all the while running and leaping toward the Iranians.
"I was looking at all the life- roundhouse!" and an Iranian went down as Geithner frolicked on.
"There were plants and birds and rocks and things. There was sand and hills and rings" and then he leapt 6 feet into the air- landing on an Iranian, the Iranians head buried in Geithner's groin.
"I've been through the desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to be out of the rain", then Geithner flexed his thighs and snapped the mans neck.
It went on like this until. Geithner finished the song. There was silence as he faced the last standing Iranian. They both surveyed the area, and then the Iranian dropped his rifle and ran off into the desert. We were safe for the moment.
Geithner ran back to SSgt Thomason. He cradled the man's head in his lap and said "Don't leave me, baby". Then, amazingly, SSgt Thomason's had shot straight up and grabbed Geithner's neck. I heard SSgt Thomason scream "Get off of me you douche!" We later found out that we was wearing a bullet proof vest, and had only suffered 2 broken ribs and a bruised liver.
As SSGT Thomason choked Geithner we heard the four bladed Hueys swoop in. The UH-1Z's were here to take us home. After the long day, I was willing to skip the fritters and get to London. I wonder what happened to Rahm?