Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I hate reading blogs. I always wind up upset. Today was no different, and let me tell you I am terrified. I found out that Batman may be running for president. At this point I was shaking and I knew I had to calm down. I immediately sent Air Force one on a fritter run, and sat down to think. I realized that I would have to get myself out of this situation- I can’t trust anyone. Not with all the spooky occurrences going on here. I calmly took a bite out of my last fritter. (Damn it man, where is Air Force One!) I had to think this through. It was then I heard a load BAM! Followed by a loud WHOOSH! Then the oval office started to smell of burnt hair. Had Batman molotoved me in some preemptive strike? No, it was only, my faithful dog, Humpy. He had tried to Kevorlkian himself in the fireplace again. Silly puppy! When would he learn- death panels are for people, not puppies.
Well, after a quick change of underwear I was sitting back on the couch. What could I do. I suppose I could try to hire Iron Man, and hope for the best, but I don’t really trust Super Heroes- except Jebus. So I asked myself. “What would Jebus do?” I don’t know if anyone had tried this before, but it worked wonders for me. I thought the first thing he would do would be getting more fritters- after all Jebus was a Hebrew. Next I had the Marine Guy that opens my door for me get me a white tunic. I think Jebus was partial to those. Finally the Marine guy came back, but all he could find were white sheets. Drat- it would have to do. After I covered myself from neck to ankles with sheet, I noticed some odd stains on the sheets- Bubba must have slept over again…
As I sat there trying to figure out what to do next, I noticed that my head was cold. Those big old ears of mine radiate heat- my leaving the rest of my head cold. Luckily, the Marine Guy also grabbed the pillow cases. I cut eye holes in it and placed it on my head.
I was now appropriately attired, but still didn’t know what to do. I thought I’d go for a walk. Cheese and Crackers- I must have looked just like Jebus because people kept staring. Finally I bumped into Helen Thomas. She took one look at me and said, “Hey big sexy, I haven’t seen you here since Carter was in office.” I didn’t even know Helen was a Christian….
Monday, February 14, 2011
I was just chillaxin over a delicious shrimp smoothie brunch with my close friend Slick Willie, when Geithner stumbled in. He was still suffering from the amazing head trauma suffered in yesterday’s staff meeting. I was upset. The creamy shrimp smoothie was warm and delicious. Not temperature wise- it was so good that it actual made my soul feel like it was on vacay. In short- it was so scrumptious that it was almost sensual. It took serious effort on my part not to continue to slurp on my succulent treat while Geithner blabbered on. I just didn’t give a hump. I would continue to indulge on my moist treat- I would just skip the veggie course if I ran short on time.
Geithner has been only semi-lucent since yesterdays thumping. He is still a good progressive Democrat, but a Reagan Democrat lurks somewhere in his heart. We love diversity in this White House, but we can’t go that far. We must maintain a close-knit liberal community that can be utilized for the next election. We will need throngs of Liberals to turn out if we are to sculpt a victory over the GOP and their rampant Islamaphobia.
Anyway, a special shout out to “Caught with a Corndog” If you pay them a visit, this will make a whole lot mores sense…
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The meeting started out bad and just got worse. Bubba showed up first. He asked to use my PC, and then wouldn't stop looking at some picture of some skinny white girl on a political blog. Geithner sashayed in next. He was wearing a stunning lavender ascot and a white nautical blazer. It was classic Geithner. Finally Rahm showed up. He refused to conjure FDR until someone hit Geithner. I put up an argument, but was finnally forced to knock out Geithner with a chair. We all laughed at that (except Geithner) - it was just like old times!
As we started brainstorming, Geithner started to come out of his chair induced mini-coma. He was mumbling all sorts of nonsense. Supply side this, market economy that, when he said a word i was unfamiliar with. Gimper, or gimpster- no it was the Gipster. He said "the gipster is the answer", before the inner cranial pressure caused him to pass out again.
So, I asked "who is this Ginther? " thats when FDR called me a dumb ass. That's his pet name for me. Rham explained that it was an "old guy from the 80s. No one of consequence, really." Then Bubba spoke up. "Barry, the Gipper was the most beloved president of recent times". I answered, "Bill, please put your pants back on and turn off the computer." Bill then refocused and told me who the gimfer was. Thats when i decided I wanted to be just like him. Except for the tax cuts, strong military and booming economy.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
In fact, I just received a package from Chicago today. What could it be? Was it the special voters registration info from Chicago's cemetaries? Was it those pictures of my secret crush, Michelle Bachman? Whatever it was, I knew it was special.
I stared at the box with a Geithneresque, school girl anticipation. Honestly, my wait was half my patented indecision, and half not having a letter opener. Unfortunatly, my staff removed all sharp objects from my office after the midterms.
I only had one way to open the package. My faithful dog, Humpy. "Here boy", I called. I heard Humpy wheeze and start to drag his ancient body toward me. I thought he could maybe chew through the packaging. That didn't happen. 2 hours latter, my package was still unopened, but Humpy slept, his animal pasions both sated and spent on my package.
There was only one thing left to do. I would have to chew through the packaging myself. Let me just say it was most unplesant, but worth it!
Rahm sent me a new ipad! And it wasn't just any ipad, it was a special presidential ipad. It's red and has two special presidential controls. I just turn the knobs and my input appears on the screen! I especially like the shake to delete function.