A Barry O vocabulary lesson

We believe in change in this administration- change that you can believe
in. As such, I am providing a list to you- my loyal followers. Those
that "worship" me, for lack of a better word. So here is some change
that you can trust- CNN and MSNBC have already adopted these changes!

• Somali Pirates- Somali Coast Guard
• Conservative Activist- Right wing terrorist
• Registered Republican- Right wing extremists
• Tea parties- Unauthorized testicular grinding activities
• Recession- Bush Recession
• Spending Bill- Gravy Train (DNC internal use only)
• Iraq War- Iraq was not renamed. We must strive to make people forget
  that the Bush administration won this war before leaving office- so it
  will no longer be mentioned in the media.
  Islamic Fundamentalists- Anti-Zionist freedom fighters
• F-22 Raptor- Expensive cold war era spending. We'll need to
  "overlook" China and Russia to sell this one.
• United States Navy- Will also be termed expensive cold war era
  spending. We'll funnel the money designated for new weapons systems to
  Sears- they will sell us canoes. These canoes should be adequate to
  fight the Somali Coast Guard.
  
  We'll provide updates as necessary. If you can think of any, please feel
  free to comment!

Of poodles and pirates...

"So, ahh, what is that thing..." Geithner asked as Humpy savagely
thrusted away at his leg. Tim didn't seem to mind all that much, except
that Humpy tends to vomit while "showing affection", as Michelle puts
it. Last night was chili night at the White House, so Humpy's stomach
was upset a little more than usual.

"It's my childhood pet, Spot, but everyone calls him 'Humpy'" I
answered.

"That's funny- that's my nickname at the public baths" stated Geithner-
an uncomfortable silence followed.

"I finally worked up the courage to ask Tim why he had come to see me, as
Humpy continued to work away at his leg.

"Well, I have bad news-" There was surprise. He continued "We found out
Captain Phillips is a 'Hard R'" A hard R is someone that voted in the
last three Republican primaries. Geithner continued on. "Hannity is
trying to get him on his TV show. It appears that he actually wants
credit for his bravery in standing up to the pirates. He also has this
weird expectation that the American government should be responsible for
the safety of it's citizens."

I couldn't believe that this lonely old sailor was trying to jump on my
bandwagon. I'm the one that told the SEaLs that they could open fire.
What did he do? Anyone can stand there with a gun in the back of their
head. I'll have to get Rahm on this- that guy can discredit anyone...

More Pirate Intel

It was Pittsburg. My Intel guru tells me that there are 26 Pirates in Pittsburg. They boarded a plane 3 days ago for parts unknown. 26 pirates- that's more than one per hostage. I want you to know that I have taken decisive action on this. I have dispatched a team of Navy SEaLs to track down the Pittsburg Pirates. This deed will not go unpunished!
Intel has also told us that Jason Bay defected to the Boston area (I knew he couldn't be involved). The Pirates are now led by someone called Jack Wilson. Curious- that doesn't sound like a Somali name...

Pirates!

This pirate thing really has me upset. You know, I have some seriously mixed emotions. I know that it is bad to illegally seize a foreign flagged vessel with an all American crew. The thing that confuses me is how could a man as nice as Johnnie Depp be involved in something like this. He's a good liberal, and has supported me on numerous occasions. I'm really hurt...

Oh my- what if Jason Bay is involved somehow?