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There goes LA

I woke up in a pretty good mood today. I was even whistling "Ain't nothing gonna get me down" as walked to breakfast (Raisin Bran, but I pick out the bran). Then I saw it. The family was watching TV- and I noticed that a massive alien space ship had just obliterated the US bank building in Los Angeles. I rushed down to my secret bunker (oops, scratch one secret- or maybe 2) and called for the National Security staff.

I had kept watching TV while I waited for the staff to arrive. I bravely watched Cousin Eddie give his life to save us all. Then everyone started arriving.

"Mr. President- what happened, is it Top Korea?" Asked Hillary. I'm not sure what her problem is, but she just can't stop talking about Korea lately. Usually, I just ignore her when she goes off on this tangent. "No- it's the Aliens. I answered"

Rahm said, look we know about the aliens, you even met their ambassador. I even brought him with me after hearing the hysterical rant you left on my answering machine. Then Drooz walked in, and kicked me in the groin, as is his cultures tradition.

When I recovered. I looked nervously at Drooz. They communicate through scent and telepathy, so we had a translator. I needed to take swift action. I asked "Have your people destroyed LA?" He kicked me in the groin again. I said that he had all ready greeted me. He answered (through the interptreter) that the blow to the nards wasn’t to say hello- it was to say that I was a dumb ass. "We have not destroyed anything- yet."

I was nervous, but everyone else thought it was just Drooz being Drooz. I couldn't take that chance. I asked him what he wanted.

"Geithner alone, in the next room for 10 minutes." Rahm answered before I had a chance "Only 10 minutes? You can keep him..." Drooz cut him off and said that 10 minutes was "sufficient". Tim looked nervous, as he curled into a fetal position and started crying. We are all pretty used to seeing Geithner like that, though.

We sat in the room waiting for Tim to return. Hillary blathered on about Korea while we heard Tim interact with Drooz. Hillary stated that Top Korea's actions violated the treaty (Take my pants off? I'm not comfortable with that..."). Hillary continued that we cannot allow Top Korea to intimidate us. (That's a real big probulator, Drooz, I don't think that will work...). Hillary then said that we have to be ready to take action in the region (Oh, yeah! Spank me Daddy, SPANK ME!). Hillary stated that we needed to work with our allies and enemies alike to prevent the armistice from ending (Do you have a cigarette, Drooz, sweetie?).

Well, Geithner came back in, and Drooz beamed out. So we sat down and continued to discuss boring old Top Korea. Then something happened. You could physically see the change in Geithner. It was like a switch went off. He stood and said, "This GM thing is a real bad idea..." He even looked shocked at himself. "What about the share holders?" Then Tim got real uncomfortable. He even said "I don't know where that is coming from..." He then left to get a drink of water.

Yep, just another day in the Obama White House...

Korea

My national security team came to see me today. They don't visit much, so I knew it must be important. They wanted to talk about Korea.

"Did someone buy me a Hyundai"? I asked. Rahm said no. Then he punched Geithner for some reason.

"Oh I know, Hyundai is buying General Motors?" "No!" Screamed Hillary "Don't you read the papers?" She shrieked.

I answered that "Reading is not my forte." Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Mr President, North Korea-" I interrupted for some clarification. "Which one is that?"

"The one on Top." added Hillary. She was getting agitated. What had Bill done now?

She continued "Top Korea has stated it's intention to abandon the armistice that nominally ended the Korean War."

"Can't we handle it like our economy? You know, make some market negative blanket statements and then let China worry about it?"

"No Mr. President," added Hillary "you need to make a decision on how the United States will react."

I knew what I must do. I said, "I will go to the UN and address all the nations of the world. I will bravely stand before my equals and issue the statement that I built my legislative career around. I will proudly stand and state that I am 'Present'."

I knew that I had said the right thing- everyone stood around and looked awestruck. I think Hillary even had a tear in her eye.

Even as a young man, I knew how to lead.

Here, you see me practicing to be president, way back in my freshman year.

True Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Ohh, those lips, the beautiful eyes, and I am truly smitten. I just can't get my eyes off of her. And her money- think of the donations to my PAC. Truly beautiful...

A haunting experience of presidents past

People often say the Whitehouse is haunted by ghosts- mostly Abe Lincoln. I haven't seen Lincoln yet, but I saw something pretty disturbing yesterday.

I set out looking for Bill Clinton- he still hangs out here quite a bit. I thought he might be able to help me with my Cheney situation. Usually when I need to find Bill, I head down to the intern pool. Since I needed to walk Humpy, I thought it would be a good time to take him for a drag. What I saw when I reached the intern pool shocked both Humpy and I.

Bill was lying there, almost naked. He was wearing only a red, white and blue pork pie hat and a Clinton/Gore 92 ankle bracelet. There was a rather porcine young lady licking peanut butter out of his belly button. She was dressed to look like Cookie the Clown . Stars and Stripes forever was blasting on the stereo. A second intern, dressed up as Wizzo the Wizard , was fanning Bill while also drizzling honey on his nipples. Bill had a Bozo the Clown wig on, under the pork pie hat. He kept on yelling "Guess what's in bucket number 6" while pointing at his genitals.

I have to tell you, this isn't what I thought I was getting myself into...

2000 Followers

Thanks all- we have hit 2000 followers on twitter. We are also in the top 10 percent of those listed on "Top Conservatives on Twitter." Yesterday, we added over 300 followers.

Free e-book

Barry O is giving away free e-books to anyone that follows him on Twitter. Don't be a leader- be a follower, It's just plain easier.

I solved our economic problems!

I recently received an email from Sven Hesselbjok- a Norwegian barrister. He said that the united states had inherited 25 trillion dollars from a top Norwegian fish monger. All I had to do was release all remaining TARP funds to this barrister to cover his administrative fees. That's a net gain of 24.25 Trillion Dollars. Now I can bail out the NY Times, and nationalize everything! YEAAAAA BARRY!

42 miles per gallon- and 1300 bucks per vehicle.

You may not know this, but we are filthy stinking rich. I made bazillions on my books and Michelle has always done her own thing- also raking in big bucks. We also take public transportation everywhere- you've probably seen us in the publicly funded limousines we ride in. In fact, this new CAFE policy won't affect us at all.

It will, however, affect you. Your new cars will go up about 1300 dollars, and get slightly better gas mileage. This will allow you to feel better about yourself. Your car might be reposed, but you'll feel better about your gasoline usage. BTW, that's 44 extra dollars per month in car payment. IF you have good credit. You would save about 3 dollars per tank of gas. Most people fill up once a week. Your 44 dollars a month gets you 12 dollars a month in savings. Does this remind anyone of my economic plan? For the record, thats a 384 dollar a year loss for most new car buyers.

Einat Haran

I met with Bebe today. I don't think it went very well. He kept talking about Terrorists. I wanted to talk about Palestinians. He kept saying it was the same thing. I didn't get it. Bebe just got frustrated and changed the subject.

He said that he had brought me a gift, so I was quite excited. It was a box of fritters! I vociferously thanked Bebe. He continued to look at me sternly. He asked, "Do you notice anything?" I noticed that the fritters were shaped like a little girl. Bebe asked "Do you know the little girls name?" I said I did not. I love riddles! Bebe said, "Her name is Einat Haran, do you know who she is?" I asked if she had made the fritters. Bebe said that she had not. "She is a little girl who used to live in Israel. Palestinian terrorists kicked in her door, and drug her outside. They then hit her in the head many times with a rock. She died that day. My predecessor released her murderer."

I asked why he would do such a horrible thing. Bebe answered that "He was taking advice form the same people you are on this issue."

Maybe we do need some change around here...

%#U^%#*!!!

Damn, I'm screwed!

Bushwood

I used some connections of mine to become a member of Bushwood Country Club. It's not all I thought it would be. People shun me for what I am. I find that intolerable. I was born this way. I should not be judged this way. People shouldn't shun me because I am a liberal.

Anyway, the restaurant is pretty good. I sat there alone, Rahm was going to come, but he couldn't. You know, he's Jewish. I pointed out that Rahm's record proves that no one is a bigger enemy of Israel, but that wasn't good enough...

To get back on message, today's lunch special was Chicken Parmesan. It tasted great, but gave me horrible gas. When I went home, no one wanted to be around me.

I had a meeting scheduled with Nancy Pelosi. She took it like a trooper. I know she noticed, because this was the worst gas I had ever had. I couldn't stop myself from making a variety of sounds, and odors.

Finally, after she had turned green, she asked if I was well. Then she asked if I wanted to postpone. We had 40 minutes left on the schedule, so I just smiled and said "Nope."

I think The Speaker would agree that even the water boarding briefings she didn't attend went better than this...

Trouble on the homefront

So, Michelle saw me sitting with my WangUS in a cup of ice. When we were trying to have kids, I was plagued by a low sperm count. The doctor thought that icing my testicles would help. Long story short when Michelle saw me sitting there in the oval office, with my pants around my knees, dipping my junk in a cup of ice, and immediately thought I wanted new bebes. Now, everyone knows that I don't think anyone should be cursed with bebe's. That's where I stand- on a firmly anti-bebe plank. That includes my own bebes.

Anyhow- when she moved in to consummate in the filthy, dirty ways that we are accustomed to (straight missionary, eyes closed, no more that 2.5 minutes, with plenty of crying afterwards), she noticed the stitches. She blamed Bill for some reason, and ran out. At least I think she blamed Bill, she said she had to find him "before the mood wore off" (whatever that means).

So she comes back 2 hours later. The walk must have relaxed her- she looked very serene. She started laughing and calling WangUS "FrankenWangUS". What does Al Franken have to do with this?

Who cares, they are Republicans

I'm not sure what the problem is here. It seems that a good many overseas votes go uncounted.

It said that of 441,000 absentee ballots requested by eligible voters living abroad - mainly active-duty and reserve troops - more than 98,000 were "lost" ballots that were mailed out but never received by election officials. Taking into account 13,500 ballots that were rejected for such reasons as a missing signature or failure to notarize, one-quarter of those requesting a ballot were disenfranchised.

So- to be clear. Disenfranchising a hundred thousand of America's finest
is not a problem. They tend to vote Republican, by at least a 3-1 margin.

My plans for Chrysler (Obama GTX)

As you may have noticed, I'm calling the shots at Chrysler now. Today, I cut the advertising budget in half, I mean who going to buy one of those things anyway? Did you know that Chrysler actually makes cars in America? Who would want an American car, anyway?

To get things back on track, I have designed my own car. I call it Obama GTX. Here are the features:

• Super fuel efficient Briggs and Stratton 148cc engine
• 4.5 Ft/lbs of torque
• 2 hp
• Big mirrors on the sun visors
• Seats!
• Nike brakes
• Beverage holder
• Aluminum muffler
• Vinyl windows
  

To save on cost, all units will be painted bright orange. This also negates the needs for brake lights. The car will seat what my administration deems to be an acceptable family size (2.5 people). The Obama GTX realizes cost savings that only the government can achieve. The SMRP is 14.4 million dollars per unit.

I think I am going to try this.

I read about a man that hasn't bathed in 35 years.

Here's the critical piece of information:

Kailash "Kalau" Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a "fire bath"every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.

I put some thought into this. It's kind of like what the administration is doing to the economy. We've set the economy on fire- as you can see we've burned it almost down to the ground. Most of the administration is on Dope (sin't it obvious), so we have that covered. Now it's only a matter of time before I have a baby boy. Wait, what were we trying to do?

Why weekends suck

Those of you who follow on twitter know that I had a little problem over the weekend.

I was watching a special presentation of Star Trek. I thoroughly enjoyed the move, although I'm not sure where William Shatner was. Anyway, all through the movie I was sipping on one of those 144 ounce Mountain Dew's. By the time the movie was over, I was ready to float out of the Whitehouse Screening Room. I ran to the bathroom and started to answer natures call. That's when I heard Geithner.

As you can imagine, my first instinct was to zip up. As I found out, my first instinct should have been to tuck, and then zip up. I had caught it in my zipper. Now, I'm not one to complain, but I didn't know what to do. All my family and friends were waiting form me, and there I was with WangUS (Wang of the United States) caught in my zipper. I tried to slowly move the zipper, and in my panic wound up with WangUS further ensconced in my zipper. The pain was unbearable.
I had to think fast. We were following the movie with a Mothers Day cook out, so I grabbed my apron (Which in a startling coincidence read "Lets get the Sausage on the Grill") and walked slowly downstairs.

After two hours of this, there were tears in my eyes. I excused myself and went back inside. I took the apron off and stared at WangUS. He looked sad. He hurt. There was only one course of action. Grip and rip it.

14 stitches later I returned to the cook out. Not sure how I'm going to explain this to Michelle...

1000 Tweeters and counting

Trackcrat put Barry O at 1000 Twitter followers. Thanks!

Official Hillary Portrait

I got admit- she pulled off the perfect look...