HELP!

My subscription to this magazine lapsed some years ago- can someone help me renew. I really miss curling up with the new issue every month.

Dating game for Taliban

Not sure where this came from- it was an anonymous email.

Missle Defense

You may have heard that I "rolled over" for Russia regarding the missiles we were going to place in Poland and the Czech Republic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Feeling the need to defend myself, I offer up the details on the meeting were we made this historic decision.

I remember it as though it was yesterday. I had a feeling that it was going to be a special day- you know that feeling you get where your stomach is feels like you had just been kicked by a mule? You know, the feeling when your "special uncle" invites you to look for the candy cane in his pocket. Ahh youth.

Anyway, I digress. I rolled into the office early- at about noon and rousted Rahm out of my desk chair. I noticed in the calendar that it was about to be the anniversary of the 1939 Soviet invasion of Poland. Cheese and Crackers! That's something we need to commemorate! I asked Rahm what the most notable result of the war was, you know besides all the death and destruction. He said "The was notable for the utter subjugation and humiliation of Poland."

That's hard to top, so we decided to call in some help, an the next day Vlad Putin showed up to bounce some ideas off of us.

"Good Morning to you, Comrade Americans." Vlad said he likes to call us that because since Bush left it's like he has won the cold war for the Motherland. I'm not sure what he means by that, but he always looks so happy when he says it, that I never ask. "How can I be helping you?" he quickly added.

"Well Vlad-" Vlad quickly cut me of "Excuse a moment, please..." He then picked up a chair and hit Geithner over the head with it. Geithner was lying on the ground twitching, and Rahm looked a little uncomfortable. Beating Geithner with a chair is usually his job, after all.

"Ahh Vlad," I said, "Tim may not have liked that..."

"Look at your Wall Street Journal, you should be thanking me!" bellowed Vlad in that thick, throaty voice that makes all the commissars swoon. Since I had looked at the Wall Street Journal that day, I had to concede the point to Vlad. Tim's eyes rolled back into his head as we continued the conversation.

"Is Poland you wish to commemorate, yes?" asked Vlad.

"Yes- they are an important ally- at least that's what Bush said on the way out of here..."

"Let me tell you, the best way is a re-enactment of glorious, I mean tragic misunderstanding between peoples of Poland and mother Russia. For this, you should remove missiles defense shield from Poland.", said Putin

"Excellent! What better way to humiliate our newest friends and allies! What should we expect from you, in return Vlad?"

"I will be selling many new weapons to our mutual comrade- Venezuela."

So there you have it. As you can see, I didn't roll over.

Transacript of my speech to school children

I was originally going to start with this:

We live in exciting times. We make no complaints. We are used to battle, for out if it we came. We will plant our feet firmly in our earth, and no attack will move us. You will stand with me, should such a time come! You will stand before me, at my side, and behind me, holding our flags high! Let our old enemies attempt to rise up once more! They may wave their Soviet flags before us — but our flag will win the battle!

Then Rahm said he recognized it, in fact one of his hero's had used it before.
Cheese and Crackers! It's a small world! That's when I settled down and wrote this:

The one thing that we can all count on is that we are going to die. I know you are only in 1st grade, but it could happen to you. For all I know your daddy could come home ans shoot you all tonight. That would make him a Republican, and that's why I want to take away his guns. Your doctor is also probably a Republican. That's why I want to be able to tell him what he can do for you after Daddy shoots you all.

I also want you to enjoy a ride in a "green vehicle" when you are going to the hospital- it's better for the planet. Not that you'll care as you bleed out from you mean Republican daddy's gunshot wound.

Remember- Republicans are evil. If you think your mommy or daddy is a Republican call 1 800 SUCKITGOP to report them. Now lets close with the new pledge of allegiance:

I pledge allegiance,
to Obama,
and to his advisers
and for the ideals for which they stand,
One nation
under one party
With substandard health care for all
And liberty for none.

See- now was that so bad?

What's wrong?

As you might have noticed, I've lost a little of the bounce in my step lately. My approval ratings are down (46%? Even I'm surprised that they are still that high), I lost my good friend Teddy. My good friend, who by the way, filched my signature legislation from beyond the grave. And now, to top it off, Gen. McChrystal called me a douche today.

He didn't say it in so many words, but I know that he was thinking it. He confirmed what most people already know. My strategy to end the war is not working. I have to say I'm a little upset. I ran on ending the war in Iraq and winning the war in Afghanistan. Unfortunately Bush went out and won the war in Iraq before I could pull out. And I tell you, I was going to pull out big time. Pulling out now makes me look like a polish porn star (pulling out after the deed was done).

The worse part of this? I took a war we were winning in Afghanistan and completely screwed it up. I'm 0 for 2...

Then there's Teddy. A new poll shows me actually losing the DNC nomination to Teddy's 14 year old grandson. Thank God he's not eligible to run yet. I'll tell you, with friends like those Kennedy's... Good thing I have the Clinton's on my side. Say, has anyone seen Hillary lately?

Obamaland

According to Breitbart (that Simpson lad is smart) real unemployment is at 16%. Personally, I prefer the fantasy world that my advisers and I live in. In Obamaland, unemployment is at 4.5%, we are winning the war in Afghanistan, America has 3 strong healthy car companies and gas is under 2 bucks a gallon.

What do you mean that sounds like President Bush's tenure???

An emergency meeting.

Sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately. If you've seen my polls, you might know the reason. It seems that, somehow, America has lost faith in me. Normally a politician would respond with clarification of existing initiatives, or a bold new direction. As you know, I am incapable of this type of thought, or indeed of making any kind of decision whatsoever. That's why Rahm called a meeting of my closest advisers. After much negotiation and pleading, my advisors allowed me to attend as well.

I was in a room with Rahm, Geithner, David Axelrod, Bill Clinton and a very special guest. Rahm quickly called the meeting to order-

"Dark forces, we are gathered here today in the service of our master, the supreme evil one. Rise Evil One! Rise!"

Just then a bubbling cauldron of God only knows what started to bubble even more. A green haze rose out of the kettle to encompass the lower three feet of the room. The lights blew out, and the room took on an ominous red glow. In a zombielike trance, all of my advisors started chanting "Clout. Clout. Clout."

Out of the cauldron rose a portly, and balding old man in a rumpled grey suit. He sneered at the assembled staff. He looked at me and laughed. He then greeted us with "You are all pathetic amateurs- you ashame me with my presence." Yep, it was Hizzoner, botched metaphors and all. Rahm had awaken Richard M. Daley from the dead, and "The Man on Five" was not pleased.
Rahm knew we wouldn't have Hizzoner's attention for long. "Dark master, we know not what to do. How can we save this administration?"

Daley glowered over us all. I'll be honest, I almost wet myself. Until now, I thought I could get by on my youthful inexperience and good looks. One thing I learned in Illinois politics is that you don't conjure up Da Mare to solve small problems. Rahm must think I am in some serious trouble." Hopefully Hizzoner could bale us out.

He looked at me and said "Even the Lord had skeptical members of His party. You on da other hand, are making skeptical members of his party." I said I didn't understand. He elaborated "Look at our Lords disciples. One denied Him; one doubted Him; one betrayed Him. If our Lord couldn't have perfection, how are you going to have it in government?"

I answered "So you are saying that I am supposed to be this screwed up? I am trying to get by on boyish charm, and it's been hell lately..."

"I know a thing or two about Hell, sonny- this ain't it. As for your problem, Good government is good politics," said Hizzoner

"So I should continue to campaign for public healthcare and everything else we can't afford?"
Daley answered "We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement." and then elaborated "we shall not be stopped."

"But Boss," I asked, "what of the Hannity's and Limbaughs- they continue to educate the American people to this Ponsi Scheme of an economy that we created?", I asked.

"They have vilified me, they have crucified me; yes, they have even criticized me." he then faded away. All traces of Hizzoner were gone, much like my backbone.

Rahm and the others snapped out of their trance, and looked frightened. "There it is." said Rahm "We stay the course on Healthcare. Just like we did with Clinton."

Uh-Oh...

Uh-ohh

Looks like some bad news for me. I can't believe that hope has died...

:(

My feelings are hurt.

There's this new blog, called Atlanta Politics Online. It seems to be a band of people who have banded together to hate me. Yes- they are Barry haters.

An example from a "Dr. Dave" - "I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren't democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me."

I'm not sure- but I think he might have meant me. I mean I live on the south side of Chicago and am currently blogging from the Vineyard. I'm sure it could be millions of people, but I just have this uneasy feeling that it is me he is talking about.

I do have a Doctor named Dave. I happened to have an appointment with him today. He is my proctologist. I'm still in my young 40's, so this is the first time I met him. It was "uncomfortable."

I walked into the office and, being the president, I got to skip in line. They handed me a paper robe and asked me to sit on the table. Dr. Dave asked me if I had any trouble urinating. I told him not since I had the clap. He thought I was joking, and to be honest I wish I was. That's the last time I drink so much that I pass out at Camp David. It's a good thing that Geithner was watching over me when I woke up. Although I kind of wish that he had clothes on and wasn't spooning me (he said it was to protect me).

Anyhow, the doctor asks me to bend over the table, I think oh, good, my knees have been hurting, maybe he can take a look. You won't believe what Dr. Dave did next! He, ah, invaded my personal space. I felt a latex, thing of some sort penetrating my, ah, nether reaches.

He said it was to check my prostate. It must be hard to check though. I mean, I felt his hands on my hips pushing in the prostate probe.

What a long day. At least Dr. Dave was happy. He said the exam was on the house, and that he just wanted to help me the same way with my health care as I am helping everyone else. What a great guy!

@CrazyCatKid moves the cheese

Those of you that follow me on twitter may also follow @CrazyCatKid. She is a top operative in the GOP cheese movement. She scares Rahm a little. They are both Jewish, and with Rahm being on the anti-Israel side while CrazyCat is strongly pro Israel, well you can imagine the tension.

Anyhow, I noticed a tweet asking her twitties to stop buying Sargento products. I had to ask why. She stated that Sargento sent her an email stating that Beck equals hate. I was intrigued. Certainly popular folk singer Beck is a bit of a long haired douche (my new vocab word), but not equal to hate!

CrazyCat just patiently shook her head and said me, "The other Beck." I thought God no- not the beer. As you know I have been drinking a lot of beer lately. In fact, it's pretty much all I have accomplished over the last month and a half. If I can't drink, how will I run the county? Okay you got me, how will Rahm run the county?

Crazy just stared at me. I think she called me a douche, but she said it so sweetly that it sounded like a compliment.

"I mean the radio commentator, Barry. Glenn Beck. Sargento is trying to besmirch his reputation."

I am unfamiliar with Mr. Beck- but I love his beer. So I told her she could count on me to boycott Sargento. It'll impact the Obama household, no doubt. After all, we all like to relax by cutting the cheese and feasting each night. Somehow, we will survive on Kraft. After all, with the economy being what it is, we'll all be eating government cheese soon enough.

My first post over APO

Don't worry- this is only a once a week thing. I'll be up to my normal shenanigans over here. Anyway enjoy.

Barry O has joined APO

Hi. I just wanted to add there will be sweet, sweet bonus Barry from now on. I'll be posting a weekly satire piece at Atlanta Politics Online. Mmmm mmm good. Just like sweet tea. Only sweeter. And with more tummy aches.

More on Healthcare

Yahoo ran the following fact check on something I said. First here is Yahoo's version:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Barack Obama has indicated a willingness to drop a government-run health care plan from any overhaul. The White House says that's
not a shift. Actually, it is.

Fierce proponents of a government-run health plan for months, Obama and senior administration officials, bowing to pressure from Republicans and skeptical voters, suggested that such a public option is not do-or-die.

"All I'm saying is, though, that the public option, whether we have it or we don't have it, is not the entirety of health care reform," the president told a town hall-style audience in Grand Junction, Colo., on Saturday. "This is just one sliver of it, one aspect of it."

CLAIM: "I challenge you guys all to go back and see what we've said about this over the course of many, many, many, many months, and you'll find a boring consistency to our rhetoric," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters.

THE FACTS: During the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama said a new public plan should offer comprehensive insurance similar to that available to federal employees.
In the first half of the year, Obama said repeatedly in speeches, weekly radio and
Internet addresses and town halls that he wants a health care overhaul that has
a taxpayer-funded public health insurance option. He has said the plan would
compete with private insurance to keep costs down.

"That's why any plan I
sign must include an insurance exchange: a one-stop shopping marketplace where
you can compare the benefits, cost and track records of a variety of plans --
including a public option to increase competition and keep insurance companies
honest -- and choose what's best for your family," he said on July 18.
And in a June 3 letter to Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., and Sen. Max Baucus, D-Mont., Obama said: "I strongly believe that Americans should have the choice of a
public health insurance option operating alongside private plans. This will give
them a better range of choices, make the health care market more competitive and
keep insurance companies honest."

Look, any time I talk about choice- I'm talking about MY choice. History has shown I am much better at making decisions than anyone else. Look at what I did for GM and Chrysler. They are now the 2nd and 5th largest automakers in the world. How about Top Korea- have you ever see chairman Kim look better? And lets not forget the economy- that speaks for itself. Just lay back, close your eyes and enjoy it!

Flag Barry O abusers

I thought it was a great idea, after all, Nixon had an enemies list. Now Nixon is a POTUS with some serious exposure. He was even on Futurama. I'd kill for a gig like that.

Anyway, Rahm wasn't pleased with the results, so you'll notice that the emails are now bouncing back. A sad end to a historic government program.

Obamacare update (new health care advisor)

I've assigned a new Obamacare advisor to work toward a single payer system. He is a renowned physician, and celebrity. Maybe you have heard of him. His name is Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Let's give him a Big O welcome!

I first heard of Dr. Jack some years ago. His cutting edge treatment of terminal patients led to a 100% customer satisfaction rate. As a matter of fact, not one single customer of Dr. Jack has ever complained!

Rahm and David Axelrod had both carefully vetted Dr. Jack. They assure me that he has the necessary skill to make the hard decisions that are sometimes necessary when taking on a project this size. Dr. Jack has already sold me on "substantial savings due to customer attrition". I'm not sure what that means, but I know that we need to start pinching pennies, so it must be a good thing.

On a separate note, Joey B. stopped by just after I appointed Dr. Jack. Joe is always looking out for me. He said I looked a little peaked, and offered to set up an appoint meant with Dr. jack for me. What a guy! If we all had more friends like that, we wouldn’t need health care reform...

Any publicity

These are popping up all over Los Angeles. Like toot used to tell me, any publicity is good publicity. Except for that health care thing. Or the Cap and Trade. Or the Birth Certificate fiasco (boy did we screw the pooch on that). Or the economy. Hmmmmm. Maybe I need to rethink Toots advice on this?

10000 and counting

Some time last night, PresidentBarryO went over the 10000 count in twitter followers- thanks all!

The Beer Summit

As my loyal readers, I think you need the truth of what went on at the
beer summit.

It started out as a nice day. Then Joe Biden showed up with the beer. I
had given him a very specific list, including Blue Moon. I would have
preferred Goose Island, but I can't get that in DC. Anyway Biden shows
up with Pabst Blue Ribbon. Unbelievably, that's not even the worst part.
I handed Joe a one hundred dollar bill, and he brings back a 12 pack of
PBR and 6 bucks in change. Incredible!

So Joe, humpy, and I are sitting around waiting for our guests, and we
each grab a beer. I was sitting Downwind of Joe, and let's just say that
a rather foul wind blows in my direction. Joe starts fanning the air in
front of his face and blames humpy, except that I know that it's not
Humpy because he is sharing his affection on a chair cushion, next to
me, also downwind of Joe. Anyway, I let it slide.

After about an hour Our guest showed up. Dr Gates and that filthy racist
cop guy. I'm going to be honest. I wasn't too sure about the smelly cop.

So, we all sit down and start "enjoying" the PBR's. We were sitting
around talking about pro wrestling- typical gut stuff, when Hillary
walks in.
Gates Jumps out of his chair and starts shaking Hillary's hand.

"Madam, it is my honor to be graced with the presence of the wife of the
countries first black president", say Gates. I haven't said anything,
I'm in complete shock. Then Biden chimes in- "Yep- Clinton was the man."

Now Gates doesn't miss a beat. He goes on and on. "Your husband has done
more for my people than any single man who has ever lived."

I have to say something now. "Hello- Barack here, a REAL black
president." Gates ignores me and continues.

"I may even say that he is the Black Messiah!" Now I'm really mad.
Newsweek said I was the Messiah!

The worse part is Joe is horribly flatulent now. He lets one rip, while
he standing next to me. He takes a step away from me while fanning his
nose and blames me now. Hillary comes back with "There goes Barry,
talking out his ass again." and everyone starts laughing.

I went in after that and had a good crying spell. I deserved it.

Planetary collisions

I'm not much for astralolomy, but I heard about a massive planetary
collision. I'm worried. I've already confused NASA to the point that
they have no idea of where they are going or what they are doing. Then,
to top it off, I overheard Geithner talking about a collision of "Uranus
with my Dick". He was quite excited about the whole thing. Usually he
doesn't get so worked up over the former VP, Dick Cheney.

I got to thinking. It doesn't take an idiot to realize that any contact
between Uranus and Dick would be catastrophic. So, I propose that we
wrap dick in latex to protect him. God forbid that any contact between
Dick and Uranus results in penetration, but if it does, this should keep
the former VP clean.

I tried to call Bruce Willis, the star of Armageddon, with this. After I
got him on the phone, he became really agitated when I asked him to help
save my Dick (hey, we are all in this together) from Uranus. He just
yelled about his taxes and how my Dick was already in his anus, and
hung up. I'm not sure about how that was relevant.