Dog-gone miracle

Well, we were truly blessed by a miracle this last weekend. I talking
about the dogs. Yes, I said dogs, with an 's'.

While Michelle and I prepared for our new family pet, I thought back to
my first dog, whom my beloved toot nicknamed humpy. I wanted my
daughters to share the same excitement I had when I picked out my
beloved Humpy. I shared how important this was to Michelle, and she
agreed- we loaded up Air Force One, and the family was off to Hawaii.

I still remember the place we bought Humpy. It smelled of drywall and
urine. It was in a dilapidated part of Honolulu, known as murderers row.
My mother would often drop me off to play. As we approached the store, I
was delighted to see that it was still there. Crazy Wally's house of
crack and puppy mill. I knew the mean streets of Honolulu, and reassured
the secret service agents that all would be fine. They Secret Service
didn't seem happy too happy- but now that I have authorized the Navy to
take out 3 half starved lunatic pirates, I know what it is to be a man.*

I strode confidently past the crack whore that guards the door- we were
there for the dog. As soon as my daughters saw the new friend, I knew it
was worth the taxpayer dollars spent to make this happen. As the secret
service rushed my family out- something caught my eye...

It was a horrible looking beast- most of the fur had fallen our, it's
ears had been cut off, and it was missing a leg- he had obviously been
hit by a bus- a microbus. It was Humpy! As he drug himself to greet me,
tears started top stream down my cheek. I was so happy to see this
tattered old beast, who I had assumed had dutifully waited for me for
the past 35 years.

"Shop keep- where did you get this old rascal?" I asked.

"Well my father sold it to this ugly, really dumb kid 35 years ago"
Obviously Humpy has had multiple owners. "We found him out back a few
months later. He was missing his ears, and back leg- all his fur had
fallen out. We were trying to be humane and put him down, but no mater
how much crack we gave him, he just kept getting stronger. Pretty soon
he was humping everything that couldn't get away."

"So, now that he's older I assume the hormone issues are gone?" I asked

"Not really", answered the shop keeper. "He pretty much only moves to
shit himself, hump anything that wanders too close."

Still, I knew that I must have him back. Humpy would spend his golden
years basking in the sun at the White House.

"How much for this magnificent animal?" I asked.

"Well, I'll give you that filthy, pathetic wretch- but if he doesn't get
his 'crunch and munch', he goes wild.

"Crunch and munch?" I asked.

The shop keeper answered "Just give me 1500 bucks, and I'll get you set
up."

That was some expensive dog food, but Humpy is finally home.

*Note from 3 Fingered Pete- This website wholly condones the eradication
of piracy and all pirates- and wishes the President had actually done
something to end the problem. We are, however, quite happy about the
rescue.