Barry O supports a persons right to be gay!

I often sit quietly in the staff meetings and just listen. I don't always think that I am qualified to chime in, and frankly the staff agrees. Hey- I know how lucky I am, and I don't want to ruin this. Anyway, something came up today that I felt I had speak out on. Gay marriage. I firmly endorse everyones right to be gay, and if they can pull it off in a marriage, more power to them.

We all have a right to be happy and- what? Gay doesn't mean happy anymore? It means what? Wow- that gives me a whole new perspective on the Gay 90's...

What a day

Wow, what a day. Oil shot up over 10 percent. I have a feeling people would be burning me in effigy, except they can't afford the accelerant. My good buddy Dmitry Medvedev says he sees tires burning in the Midwest for years. Thats what really upsets me. Tire fires are a long term problem, and I am from the Midwest. I remember that tire fire in Crown Point, Indiana. I smelt it all the way in the Loop. Dreadful, stinky stuff- it bu- What? Fires burning in the Mid East? Well who cares about that....

Who is this dork?

You may have heard of my lunch with the faceyplace guy. I'm not sure who he was, but somehow they made a movie about his life before mine. I'll have to have the IRS look into that...

Bebe and me!

Rahm had me schedule a call with Bebe again. I said Bebies cant talk, but Rahm didn't say anything, though I did ear a thump and an 'ow' (was that Gary Chico?). Rahm gets a little bossy sometimes, but he's been unbearable since he has been running for mayor of Chicago. What's with that anyway? He already runs America, now he want's to run a Chicago, a second country?

Anyway, I called Bebe, and was amazed at his vocabulary. How could a baby know words like lose, sycophant and douche-bag? This had to be the smartest baby ever.

The Miracle of Multilevel marketing!

When all else fails, I look to the miracle of Multi-Level Marketing to save our asses. True, I already run the worlds largest Ponzi Scheme, Social Security, but I need a second stream of income. So, I have selected this nations MLM savior. Ignite Energy. If every American participates in Ignites 5 and 10 plan (Sign up 5 salesmen and 10 Customers), that means we would have 1.5 billion sales men and 3 billion customers. Now here is the best part- I can tax that income! Thats the fourth line of the Pyramid- Taxes. Making this a Parallelogram Scheme!

From the looks of Twitter, most Americans are already losing their shirts in these schemes, so why not join, I mean the ships already sinking- lets make the biggest possible splash when we hit the water!

POW! BAM! WHOOSH!

I hate reading blogs. I always wind up upset. Today was no different, and let me tell you I am terrified. I found out that Batman may be running for president. At this point I was shaking and I knew I had to calm down. I immediately sent Air Force one on a fritter run, and sat down to think. I realized that I would have to get myself out of this situation- I can’t trust anyone. Not with all the spooky occurrences going on here. I calmly took a bite out of my last fritter. (Damn it man, where is Air Force One!) I had to think this through. It was then I heard a load BAM! Followed by a loud WHOOSH! Then the oval office started to smell of burnt hair. Had Batman molotoved me in some preemptive strike? No, it was only, my faithful dog, Humpy. He had tried to Kevorlkian himself in the fireplace again. Silly puppy! When would he learn- death panels are for people, not puppies.

Well, after a quick change of underwear I was sitting back on the couch. What could I do. I suppose I could try to hire Iron Man, and hope for the best, but I don’t really trust Super Heroes- except Jebus. So I asked myself. “What would Jebus do?” I don’t know if anyone had tried this before, but it worked wonders for me. I thought the first thing he would do would be getting more fritters- after all Jebus was a Hebrew. Next I had the Marine Guy that opens my door for me get me a white tunic. I think Jebus was partial to those. Finally the Marine guy came back, but all he could find were white sheets. Drat- it would have to do. After I covered myself from neck to ankles with sheet, I noticed some odd stains on the sheets- Bubba must have slept over again…

As I sat there trying to figure out what to do next, I noticed that my head was cold. Those big old ears of mine radiate heat- my leaving the rest of my head cold. Luckily, the Marine Guy also grabbed the pillow cases. I cut eye holes in it and placed it on my head.

I was now appropriately attired, but still didn’t know what to do. I thought I’d go for a walk. Cheese and Crackers- I must have looked just like Jebus because people kept staring. Finally I bumped into Helen Thomas. She took one look at me and said, “Hey big sexy, I haven’t seen you here since Carter was in office.” I didn’t even know Helen was a Christian….

Cousin Wolfie

I invited my much smarter cousin Dr. Milton Wolf to the White House the other day. He's a doctor. You see, I am really scared for Geithner. That chair thumping from the other day still has him acting funny. Frankly, I was afraid that we might have to put him down.

Anyway Wolfie showed up to examine Geithner. The timing was perfect. It was like Geithner was channeling some evil spirit. He blathered on about tax cuts and evil empires. He was talking about a shiny city. It was really freaking me out. I wanted to get that Cas guy from Battlestar Galactica to look at his soul. What's with all this angel and demon stuff, on BG anyway? Where's my beloved Laura Roslyn?

Anyway back on topic. Wolfie looked at Geithner and said that he was making more sense than he ever had. Now, I'm really freaked out. Are they both possessed by demons? I must get to the bottom of this. It's downright Supernatural. I should ask the Ghost of FDR...

New FaceyPlace group.

Technology is generally above my pay grade (i.e. beyond my understanding), but my new personal advisor FDR, has assured me that he would have had a Faceyspace group back during the big one, had it been available. I don't know what that means, but Bubba keeps laughing every time FDR says big one. Here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=77306795658

I did it!

I'm a big fan of baseball. Rham says it's because I got White Sox fever. Or is that white girl fever. I'm not sure, I just know that Michelle Bachman is HAWT! Anyway, one of the things I like best about baseball is the statistical part of the game. The beauty isn't just in the numbers, but also in the various ratios and percentages.

Life is alot like baseball. And the economy is alot like my life. They are both AWFUL! However, there was a record broken today. For the first time ever, our National debt is greater than our GDP. Yeah ME! in fact the ratio is 102.6:100!

Who says I haven't accomplished anything!

Barry O was caught with a corndog.

I was just chillaxin over a delicious shrimp smoothie brunch with my close friend Slick Willie, when Geithner stumbled in. He was still suffering from the amazing head trauma suffered in yesterday’s staff meeting. I was upset. The creamy shrimp smoothie was warm and delicious. Not temperature wise- it was so good that it actual made my soul feel like it was on vacay. In short- it was so scrumptious that it was almost sensual. It took serious effort on my part not to continue to slurp on my succulent treat while Geithner blabbered on. I just didn’t give a hump. I would continue to indulge on my moist treat- I would just skip the veggie course if I ran short on time.

Geithner has been only semi-lucent since yesterdays thumping. He is still a good progressive Democrat, but a Reagan Democrat lurks somewhere in his heart. We love diversity in this White House, but we can’t go that far. We must maintain a close-knit liberal community that can be utilized for the next election. We will need throngs of Liberals to turn out if we are to sculpt a victory over the GOP and their rampant Islamaphobia.

Anyway, a special shout out to “Caught with a Corndog” If you pay them a visit, this will make a whole lot mores sense…

The gipster

I was really worried about the upcoming election, so I gathered up my closest advisers to come up with a strategy. The meeting included Bubba Clinton, Geithner, Rahm tele-conferencing in from Chicago, Humpy, and the ghost of FDR.

The meeting started out bad and just got worse. Bubba showed up first. He asked to use my PC, and then wouldn't stop looking at some picture of some skinny white girl on a political blog. Geithner sashayed in next. He was wearing a stunning lavender ascot and a white nautical blazer. It was classic Geithner. Finally Rahm showed up. He refused to conjure FDR until someone hit Geithner. I put up an argument, but was finnally forced to knock out Geithner with a chair. We all laughed at that (except Geithner) - it was just like old times!

As we started brainstorming, Geithner started to come out of his chair induced mini-coma. He was mumbling all sorts of nonsense. Supply side this, market economy that, when he said a word i was unfamiliar with. Gimper, or gimpster- no it was the Gipster. He said "the gipster is the answer", before the inner cranial pressure caused him to pass out again.

So, I asked "who is this Ginther? " thats when FDR called me a dumb ass. That's his pet name for me. Rham explained that it was an "old guy from the 80s. No one of consequence, really." Then Bubba spoke up. "Barry, the Gipper was the most beloved president of recent times". I answered, "Bill, please put your pants back on and turn off the computer." Bill then refocused and told me who the gimfer was. Thats when i decided I wanted to be just like him. Except for the tax cuts, strong military and booming economy.

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A gift from Rham

Rahm may be gone, but his warm and affable spirit still resides within the White House. We see it everywhere. From the way Geithener flintches when someone says Rahms name, to the holes Rahm punched in the walls, to his wonderful gifts.

In fact, I just received a package from Chicago today. What could it be? Was it the special voters registration info from Chicago's cemetaries? Was it those pictures of my secret crush, Michelle Bachman? Whatever it was, I knew it was special.

I stared at the box with a Geithneresque, school girl anticipation. Honestly, my wait was half my patented indecision, and half not having a letter opener. Unfortunatly, my staff removed all sharp objects from my office after the midterms.

I only had one way to open the package. My faithful dog, Humpy. "Here boy", I called. I heard Humpy wheeze and start to drag his ancient body toward me. I thought he could maybe chew through the packaging. That didn't happen. 2 hours latter, my package was still unopened, but Humpy slept, his animal pasions both sated and spent on my package.

There was only one thing left to do. I would have to chew through the packaging myself. Let me just say it was most unplesant, but worth it!

Rahm sent me a new ipad! And it wasn't just any ipad, it was a special presidential ipad. It's red and has two special presidential controls. I just turn the knobs and my input appears on the screen! I especially like the shake to delete function.

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HELP!

My subscription to this magazine lapsed some years ago- can someone help me renew. I really miss curling up with the new issue every month.

Dating game for Taliban

Not sure where this came from- it was an anonymous email.

Missle Defense

You may have heard that I "rolled over" for Russia regarding the missiles we were going to place in Poland and the Czech Republic. Nothing could be further from the truth. Feeling the need to defend myself, I offer up the details on the meeting were we made this historic decision.

I remember it as though it was yesterday. I had a feeling that it was going to be a special day- you know that feeling you get where your stomach is feels like you had just been kicked by a mule? You know, the feeling when your "special uncle" invites you to look for the candy cane in his pocket. Ahh youth.

Anyway, I digress. I rolled into the office early- at about noon and rousted Rahm out of my desk chair. I noticed in the calendar that it was about to be the anniversary of the 1939 Soviet invasion of Poland. Cheese and Crackers! That's something we need to commemorate! I asked Rahm what the most notable result of the war was, you know besides all the death and destruction. He said "The was notable for the utter subjugation and humiliation of Poland."

That's hard to top, so we decided to call in some help, an the next day Vlad Putin showed up to bounce some ideas off of us.

"Good Morning to you, Comrade Americans." Vlad said he likes to call us that because since Bush left it's like he has won the cold war for the Motherland. I'm not sure what he means by that, but he always looks so happy when he says it, that I never ask. "How can I be helping you?" he quickly added.

"Well Vlad-" Vlad quickly cut me of "Excuse a moment, please..." He then picked up a chair and hit Geithner over the head with it. Geithner was lying on the ground twitching, and Rahm looked a little uncomfortable. Beating Geithner with a chair is usually his job, after all.

"Ahh Vlad," I said, "Tim may not have liked that..."

"Look at your Wall Street Journal, you should be thanking me!" bellowed Vlad in that thick, throaty voice that makes all the commissars swoon. Since I had looked at the Wall Street Journal that day, I had to concede the point to Vlad. Tim's eyes rolled back into his head as we continued the conversation.

"Is Poland you wish to commemorate, yes?" asked Vlad.

"Yes- they are an important ally- at least that's what Bush said on the way out of here..."

"Let me tell you, the best way is a re-enactment of glorious, I mean tragic misunderstanding between peoples of Poland and mother Russia. For this, you should remove missiles defense shield from Poland.", said Putin

"Excellent! What better way to humiliate our newest friends and allies! What should we expect from you, in return Vlad?"

"I will be selling many new weapons to our mutual comrade- Venezuela."

So there you have it. As you can see, I didn't roll over.

Transacript of my speech to school children

I was originally going to start with this:

We live in exciting times. We make no complaints. We are used to battle, for out if it we came. We will plant our feet firmly in our earth, and no attack will move us. You will stand with me, should such a time come! You will stand before me, at my side, and behind me, holding our flags high! Let our old enemies attempt to rise up once more! They may wave their Soviet flags before us — but our flag will win the battle!

Then Rahm said he recognized it, in fact one of his hero's had used it before.
Cheese and Crackers! It's a small world! That's when I settled down and wrote this:

The one thing that we can all count on is that we are going to die. I know you are only in 1st grade, but it could happen to you. For all I know your daddy could come home ans shoot you all tonight. That would make him a Republican, and that's why I want to take away his guns. Your doctor is also probably a Republican. That's why I want to be able to tell him what he can do for you after Daddy shoots you all.

I also want you to enjoy a ride in a "green vehicle" when you are going to the hospital- it's better for the planet. Not that you'll care as you bleed out from you mean Republican daddy's gunshot wound.

Remember- Republicans are evil. If you think your mommy or daddy is a Republican call 1 800 SUCKITGOP to report them. Now lets close with the new pledge of allegiance:

I pledge allegiance,
to Obama,
and to his advisers
and for the ideals for which they stand,
One nation
under one party
With substandard health care for all
And liberty for none.

See- now was that so bad?

What's wrong?

As you might have noticed, I've lost a little of the bounce in my step lately. My approval ratings are down (46%? Even I'm surprised that they are still that high), I lost my good friend Teddy. My good friend, who by the way, filched my signature legislation from beyond the grave. And now, to top it off, Gen. McChrystal called me a douche today.

He didn't say it in so many words, but I know that he was thinking it. He confirmed what most people already know. My strategy to end the war is not working. I have to say I'm a little upset. I ran on ending the war in Iraq and winning the war in Afghanistan. Unfortunately Bush went out and won the war in Iraq before I could pull out. And I tell you, I was going to pull out big time. Pulling out now makes me look like a polish porn star (pulling out after the deed was done).

The worse part of this? I took a war we were winning in Afghanistan and completely screwed it up. I'm 0 for 2...

Then there's Teddy. A new poll shows me actually losing the DNC nomination to Teddy's 14 year old grandson. Thank God he's not eligible to run yet. I'll tell you, with friends like those Kennedy's... Good thing I have the Clinton's on my side. Say, has anyone seen Hillary lately?

Obamaland

According to Breitbart (that Simpson lad is smart) real unemployment is at 16%. Personally, I prefer the fantasy world that my advisers and I live in. In Obamaland, unemployment is at 4.5%, we are winning the war in Afghanistan, America has 3 strong healthy car companies and gas is under 2 bucks a gallon.

What do you mean that sounds like President Bush's tenure???

An emergency meeting.

Sorry I haven't been posting a lot lately. If you've seen my polls, you might know the reason. It seems that, somehow, America has lost faith in me. Normally a politician would respond with clarification of existing initiatives, or a bold new direction. As you know, I am incapable of this type of thought, or indeed of making any kind of decision whatsoever. That's why Rahm called a meeting of my closest advisers. After much negotiation and pleading, my advisors allowed me to attend as well.

I was in a room with Rahm, Geithner, David Axelrod, Bill Clinton and a very special guest. Rahm quickly called the meeting to order-

"Dark forces, we are gathered here today in the service of our master, the supreme evil one. Rise Evil One! Rise!"

Just then a bubbling cauldron of God only knows what started to bubble even more. A green haze rose out of the kettle to encompass the lower three feet of the room. The lights blew out, and the room took on an ominous red glow. In a zombielike trance, all of my advisors started chanting "Clout. Clout. Clout."

Out of the cauldron rose a portly, and balding old man in a rumpled grey suit. He sneered at the assembled staff. He looked at me and laughed. He then greeted us with "You are all pathetic amateurs- you ashame me with my presence." Yep, it was Hizzoner, botched metaphors and all. Rahm had awaken Richard M. Daley from the dead, and "The Man on Five" was not pleased.
Rahm knew we wouldn't have Hizzoner's attention for long. "Dark master, we know not what to do. How can we save this administration?"

Daley glowered over us all. I'll be honest, I almost wet myself. Until now, I thought I could get by on my youthful inexperience and good looks. One thing I learned in Illinois politics is that you don't conjure up Da Mare to solve small problems. Rahm must think I am in some serious trouble." Hopefully Hizzoner could bale us out.

He looked at me and said "Even the Lord had skeptical members of His party. You on da other hand, are making skeptical members of his party." I said I didn't understand. He elaborated "Look at our Lords disciples. One denied Him; one doubted Him; one betrayed Him. If our Lord couldn't have perfection, how are you going to have it in government?"

I answered "So you are saying that I am supposed to be this screwed up? I am trying to get by on boyish charm, and it's been hell lately..."

"I know a thing or two about Hell, sonny- this ain't it. As for your problem, Good government is good politics," said Hizzoner

"So I should continue to campaign for public healthcare and everything else we can't afford?"
Daley answered "We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement." and then elaborated "we shall not be stopped."

"But Boss," I asked, "what of the Hannity's and Limbaughs- they continue to educate the American people to this Ponsi Scheme of an economy that we created?", I asked.

"They have vilified me, they have crucified me; yes, they have even criticized me." he then faded away. All traces of Hizzoner were gone, much like my backbone.

Rahm and the others snapped out of their trance, and looked frightened. "There it is." said Rahm "We stay the course on Healthcare. Just like we did with Clinton."

Uh-Oh...