Friday, May 29, 2009
I had kept watching TV while I waited for the staff to arrive. I bravely watched Cousin Eddie give his life to save us all. Then everyone started arriving.
"Mr. President- what happened, is it Top Korea?" Asked Hillary. I'm not sure what her problem is, but she just can't stop talking about Korea lately. Usually, I just ignore her when she goes off on this tangent. "No- it's the Aliens. I answered"
Rahm said, look we know about the aliens, you even met their ambassador. I even brought him with me after hearing the hysterical rant you left on my answering machine. Then Drooz walked in, and kicked me in the groin, as is his cultures tradition.
When I recovered. I looked nervously at Drooz. They communicate through scent and telepathy, so we had a translator. I needed to take swift action. I asked "Have your people destroyed LA?" He kicked me in the groin again. I said that he had all ready greeted me. He answered (through the interptreter) that the blow to the nards wasn’t to say hello- it was to say that I was a dumb ass. "We have not destroyed anything- yet."
I was nervous, but everyone else thought it was just Drooz being Drooz. I couldn't take that chance. I asked him what he wanted.
"Geithner alone, in the next room for 10 minutes." Rahm answered before I had a chance "Only 10 minutes? You can keep him..." Drooz cut him off and said that 10 minutes was "sufficient". Tim looked nervous, as he curled into a fetal position and started crying. We are all pretty used to seeing Geithner like that, though.
We sat in the room waiting for Tim to return. Hillary blathered on about Korea while we heard Tim interact with Drooz. Hillary stated that Top Korea's actions violated the treaty (Take my pants off? I'm not comfortable with that..."). Hillary continued that we cannot allow Top Korea to intimidate us. (That's a real big probulator, Drooz, I don't think that will work...). Hillary then said that we have to be ready to take action in the region (Oh, yeah! Spank me Daddy, SPANK ME!). Hillary stated that we needed to work with our allies and enemies alike to prevent the armistice from ending (Do you have a cigarette, Drooz, sweetie?).
Well, Geithner came back in, and Drooz beamed out. So we sat down and continued to discuss boring old Top Korea. Then something happened. You could physically see the change in Geithner. It was like a switch went off. He stood and said, "This GM thing is a real bad idea..." He even looked shocked at himself. "What about the share holders?" Then Tim got real uncomfortable. He even said "I don't know where that is coming from..." He then left to get a drink of water.
Yep, just another day in the Obama White House...
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
"Did someone buy me a Hyundai"? I asked. Rahm said no. Then he punched Geithner for some reason.
"Oh I know, Hyundai is buying General Motors?" "No!" Screamed Hillary "Don't you read the papers?" She shrieked.
I answered that "Reading is not my forte." Everyone nodded in agreement.
"Mr President, North Korea-" I interrupted for some clarification. "Which one is that?"
"The one on Top." added Hillary. She was getting agitated. What had Bill done now?
She continued "Top Korea has stated it's intention to abandon the armistice that nominally ended the Korean War."
"Can't we handle it like our economy? You know, make some market negative blanket statements and then let China worry about it?"
"No Mr. President," added Hillary "you need to make a decision on how the United States will react."
I knew what I must do. I said, "I will go to the UN and address all the nations of the world. I will bravely stand before my equals and issue the statement that I built my legislative career around. I will proudly stand and state that I am 'Present'."
I knew that I had said the right thing- everyone stood around and looked awestruck. I think Hillary even had a tear in her eye.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
I set out looking for Bill Clinton- he still hangs out here quite a bit. I thought he might be able to help me with my Cheney situation. Usually when I need to find Bill, I head down to the intern pool. Since I needed to walk Humpy, I thought it would be a good time to take him for a drag. What I saw when I reached the intern pool shocked both Humpy and I.
Bill was lying there, almost naked. He was wearing only a red, white and blue pork pie hat and a Clinton/Gore 92 ankle bracelet. There was a rather porcine young lady licking peanut butter out of his belly button. She was dressed to look like Cookie the Clown . Stars and Stripes forever was blasting on the stereo. A second intern, dressed up as Wizzo the Wizard , was fanning Bill while also drizzling honey on his nipples. Bill had a Bozo the Clown wig on, under the pork pie hat. He kept on yelling "Guess what's in bucket number 6" while pointing at his genitals.
I have to tell you, this isn't what I thought I was getting myself into...
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
It will, however, affect you. Your new cars will go up about 1300 dollars, and get slightly better gas mileage. This will allow you to feel better about yourself. Your car might be reposed, but you'll feel better about your gasoline usage. BTW, that's 44 extra dollars per month in car payment. IF you have good credit. You would save about 3 dollars per tank of gas. Most people fill up once a week. Your 44 dollars a month gets you 12 dollars a month in savings. Does this remind anyone of my economic plan? For the record, thats a 384 dollar a year loss for most new car buyers.
Monday, May 18, 2009
He said that he had brought me a gift, so I was quite excited. It was a box of fritters! I vociferously thanked Bebe. He continued to look at me sternly. He asked, "Do you notice anything?" I noticed that the fritters were shaped like a little girl. Bebe asked "Do you know the little girls name?" I said I did not. I love riddles! Bebe said, "Her name is Einat Haran, do you know who she is?" I asked if she had made the fritters. Bebe said that she had not. "She is a little girl who used to live in Israel. Palestinian terrorists kicked in her door, and drug her outside. They then hit her in the head many times with a rock. She died that day. My predecessor released her murderer."
I asked why he would do such a horrible thing. Bebe answered that "He was taking advice form the same people you are on this issue."
Maybe we do need some change around here...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Anyway, the restaurant is pretty good. I sat there alone, Rahm was going to come, but he couldn't. You know, he's Jewish. I pointed out that Rahm's record proves that no one is a bigger enemy of Israel, but that wasn't good enough...
To get back on message, today's lunch special was Chicken Parmesan. It tasted great, but gave me horrible gas. When I went home, no one wanted to be around me.
I had a meeting scheduled with Nancy Pelosi. She took it like a trooper. I know she noticed, because this was the worst gas I had ever had. I couldn't stop myself from making a variety of sounds, and odors.
Finally, after she had turned green, she asked if I was well. Then she asked if I wanted to postpone. We had 40 minutes left on the schedule, so I just smiled and said "Nope."
I think The Speaker would agree that even the water boarding briefings she didn't attend went better than this...
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Anyhow- when she moved in to consummate in the filthy, dirty ways that we are accustomed to (straight missionary, eyes closed, no more that 2.5 minutes, with plenty of crying afterwards), she noticed the stitches. She blamed Bill for some reason, and ran out. At least I think she blamed Bill, she said she had to find him "before the mood wore off" (whatever that means).
So she comes back 2 hours later. The walk must have relaxed her- she looked very serene. She started laughing and calling WangUS "FrankenWangUS". What does Al Franken have to do with this?
It said that of 441,000 absentee ballots requested by eligible voters living abroad - mainly active-duty and reserve troops - more than 98,000 were "lost" ballots that were mailed out but never received by election officials. Taking into account 13,500 ballots that were rejected for such reasons as a missing signature or failure to notarize, one-quarter of those requesting a ballot were disenfranchised.
So- to be clear. Disenfranchising a hundred thousand of America's finest
is not a problem. They tend to vote Republican, by at least a 3-1 margin.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
As you may have noticed, I'm calling the shots at Chrysler now. Today, I cut the advertising budget in half, I mean who going to buy one of those things anyway? Did you know that Chrysler actually makes cars in America? Who would want an American car, anyway?
To get things back on track, I have designed my own car. I call it Obama GTX. Here are the features:
- Super fuel efficient Briggs and Stratton 148cc engine
- 4.5 Ft/lbs of torque
- 2 hp
- Big mirrors on the sun visors
- Nike brakes
- Beverage holder
- Aluminum muffler
- Vinyl windows
To save on cost, all units will be painted bright orange. This also negates the needs for brake lights. The car will seat what my administration deems to be an acceptable family size (2.5 people). The Obama GTX realizes cost savings that only the government can achieve. The SMRP is 14.4 million dollars per unit.
Here's the critical piece of information:
I put some thought into this. It's kind of like what the administration is doing to the economy. We've set the economy on fire- as you can see we've burned it almost down to the ground. Most of the administration is on Dope (sin't it obvious), so we have that covered. Now it's only a matter of time before I have a baby boy. Wait, what were we trying to do?
Kailash "Kalau" Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a "fire bath"every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.
Monday, May 11, 2009
I was watching a special presentation of Star Trek. I thoroughly enjoyed the move, although I'm not sure where William Shatner was. Anyway, all through the movie I was sipping on one of those 144 ounce Mountain Dew's. By the time the movie was over, I was ready to float out of the Whitehouse Screening Room. I ran to the bathroom and started to answer natures call. That's when I heard Geithner.
As you can imagine, my first instinct was to zip up. As I found out, my first instinct should have been to tuck, and then zip up. I had caught it in my zipper. Now, I'm not one to complain, but I didn't know what to do. All my family and friends were waiting form me, and there I was with WangUS (Wang of the United States) caught in my zipper. I tried to slowly move the zipper, and in my panic wound up with WangUS further ensconced in my zipper. The pain was unbearable.
I had to think fast. We were following the movie with a Mothers Day cook out, so I grabbed my apron (Which in a startling coincidence read "Lets get the Sausage on the Grill") and walked slowly downstairs.
After two hours of this, there were tears in my eyes. I excused myself and went back inside. I took the apron off and stared at WangUS. He looked sad. He hurt. There was only one course of action. Grip and rip it.
14 stitches later I returned to the cook out. Not sure how I'm going to explain this to Michelle...
Friday, May 08, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
• Specter said that he would be keeping his seniority when he announced his party switch last week. Harry Reid didn't keep that promise- he did not keep his seniority. Harry said, "He is a person who's been in the Senate since 1980. I think he should be able to handle himself." So, there there it is, right form the lips of Harry Reid- experience doesn't matter in government.
• In an interview with Deborah Solomon, Arlen pointed out that he was hoping that the courts in Minnesota would do "justice" and declare former Republican Sen. Norm Coleman the winner in the contested Senatorial election. Arlen later told Reid that he briefly "forgot what team I was on." In all honesty, Specter forgot what team he was on long before this interview, so let's cut him some slack...
• Specter has done little to back off his initial assertion that his decision to switch parties was based entirely on political calculations. This is something I respect. It's the principle that my administration holds most dear.
So, to summarize, Arlen is our kind of guy, but that won't stop us from screwing him over. Again, what makes him any different than anyone else?
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Anyway, I realized that the only way that I was going to get Geithner out of my office was to either let him walk Humpy or let him vent. Since Humpy always comes back so sad when Geithner walks him, I thought that I'd just let him vent.
"Tim, what's wrong buddy?"
"It's the economy, again..." answered Geithner.
"Tell me of this economy you speak of."
"It's the system where goods and services are assigned value for the purpose of trade."
I thought that was interesting. No one had ever stated it to me in that way before. I always thought the economy was just me spending money, and the fed printing more money, or borrowing to cover my spending.
"So what's going on?"
"Well the banks need substantially more money to survive."
"I can solve that- just print more money."
I thought he'd be relieved, but he left more nervous than ever. Some people just don't get it...
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
The Secret Service drops us off at McDonalds and we go in. I decided to go with a McRib- the officially sandwich of the Obama White House. Joe couldn't decide. He finally whined "Maybe I'll try one of those fritters you are always talking about."
I said, "Joe, they don't have those here." He started crying. Can you believe that?"It's not fair- I'm the Vice- President. They should just make me some..."
He went on, getting more and more worked up until we had to leave. I'm never going to lunch with that guy again...
It is a very frustrating game. I feel like I'm completely unprepared to play this game. No mater what I do, the economy tanks, and Iran gets nuclear weapons. You don't even want to know what happens after that.
I've been practicing- I even read up on the Carter administration to try and apply it to this game. After all, who knows more about Iran and a bad economy than Jimmy Carter. That went really bad. I just don't know what to do...
Let me put this way. I am the mighty oak. My candidacy were the roots we put down to grow this mighty oak. ACORN was the seed I sprung from. The voter fraud is the filthy dirty soil that I planted my roots in.
So, just to make this clear. My candidacy was rooted in the filth that is ACORN voter fraud. Is that clear now?
Monday, May 04, 2009
"BARRRRRRRy" he said as he walked in "How's it hangin, my man."
"It hangs well, " I added. "Why is your face so brusied?"
"Well it's Hillary's 'Lady Time', you know, Aunty flow has come a callin'."
"That's enough Bill..." I added as quickly as possible, but I knew he was in a mood to share.
"Yeah. It's tough on her, she can't use those wussie feminine products from Safeway- she has to go full bore Home Depot"
I knew better, but I had to ask. "Full bore Home Depot?"
"Yeah, you know those Safeway things just don't work for her. She has to go with extra nappy paint rollers. That's the only thing that will stay up there."
There you have it. TMI.
Friday, May 01, 2009
The Smirking Chimp We share a deep dislike of President Bush and America in general. For this reason, the whole staff of the smirking Chimp made my list of potential Supremes. So much hatred and nonsense- so little talent. A perfect combination for a Democrat SC nominee!
The Dixie Chicks. Dumb as a box of hammers. They definitely have what it takes ti be a Dem Supreme. You don't need to know the law to render an opinion. Or have a cognizant thought. Or have a clue of what kind of threats we face as a nation.
Markos Moulitsas Zúniga of the Daily Koz. I owe him one. If he hadn't been the leader of Obama Love fest (Summer 2008) I'd still be stuck in the Senate. He has an IQ of about 65, which puts him 10 points up on the Dixie chicks combined score!
Cynthia McKinney. Cynthia likes to slap cops and yell a lot. She reminds of Rahm, with bigger testes. She's quick to play the race card- a plus for a lefty Supreme.