We met an Army Guy... (R2G20 Part 3)

So, we wandered off into the desert, searching for Tel Aviv. Guess what? We bumped into an Army Guy. Only this Army Guy slaps me every time I call him Army Guy. He's become quite frustrated with me, and Geithner keeps looking at him funny- kind of how Bill looks at Michelle. Anyhow, were out in the desert, with no water or anything, and this Army Guy jumps out of nowhere. He was covered in sweat and ran up to us. He kept motioning for us to get down, so we did.

"President Obama?" I'm SSgt Perry Thomason. I'm here to bring you home."
I replied, "Well SSgt, we are going for fritters- so I hope by home you meant to say Tel Aviv."
He looked at me funny and said, "With respect sir, that would cause us to walk all the way through Iran- you were heading away from Tel Aviv. But, that’s good, because we have the entire 2nd Marine Special Operations Battalion is looking for you.- and you are headed right for them"

That's when Geithner chimed in- "Does the 2nd MSOB have Potato fritters?"

The SSgt looked confused- these army guys are kind of simple sometimes. "No, we are here to bring you to safety." he said- "Look, you guys need to ride my camel-"

Geithner broke in with "Does that mean what I think it means?"

The SSgt Thomason was adamant that it did not.

Any how, the SSgt brought us presents- local clothing to wear. I think this will be fun.

The Road to G20 (part 2)

What's really weird is Rahm is on TV- everyone is poking and spitting on him- must be a red state. Anyway, we found a map, and boy are we far from home. We did notice that we are fairly close to Tel Aviv. Am I the only on that smells fritters?

The Road to G20 (part 1)

Well we are off on the road to G20. Since Geithner kept complaining that he had to go to the bathroom, I ordered the plane down at the nearest airport. That happened to be Tehran International. There was a bunch of commotion, so Geithner and I snuck out to find the men's room. Man, the falafel smelt good- it was a Kiosk at Crazy Allah's House of Falafel. It was twice as good as it smelled. Funny thing was, when we got back to the terminal Air Force One was gone- there was just a burning heap of rubble. Strange...

Wii play Wii

Geithner brought his wii over the oval office. He wanted to prove to me that it was cool after Rahm told us that "Only fairies play wii." Rahm is a x-box 360 man, and consistently pokes fun at Geithner about this...

Anyway, Geithner hooks it up top the big plasma in my office. We had to unhook TOTUS (Easy, O. You can do this!), but we got it figured out after only 3 or four hours. Would you believe the plugs were color coded?

Anyway we started the game, and started playing this little baseball game where you swing the controller to like a baseball bat to hit a baseball. There we are having a great time, and it becomes my turn to bat again. I took a mighty swing- and the controller slips out of my hand. It flies across the office and hits Geithner in the head. He drops like a rock, and hits his head (again) on the corner of my desk. So, there he is, just lying there. There's blood everywhere and it looks like he's not breathing. I knew exactly what to do. It was time for some Barry O mouth to mouth.

I used the preferred head/tilt chin lift method and started to breath for Geithner. After a 15 breaths- Rahm opens the door and sees us. He says "Damn it, I knew this was going to happen." I pleaded with him to help, but all he would say was "Unh-unh- don't ask, don't tell." Then he left. Eventually Tim came through- I could tell because he started wiggling his tongue around to let me know he was awake.

Just another day in the oval office.

Sweet Potato Fritter recipe

1 1-pound red-skinned sweet potato (yam)
2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter, melted
1/3 cup sugar
2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint
3/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 large egg
1 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup fresh bread crumbs made from crustless French bread
1 tablespoon baking powder
Vegetable oil (for frying)

Love is in the air- and it smells like fritters

My call with the German lady

So, I get this call from Angela Merkel- she talks like that guy with the mustache that's always on the history channel. Anyway, she said she wanted to explain why America is "headed down a Schlitterkurs". I don't know what this means- I assume it means "golden path".

Any how, she starts going on about how the Europeans can afford to be socialist because they don't have to pay for their own defense. That's what allows them to be able to afford the cost of their social problems. I started to ask "How so?" when Rahm jumped in and said "We got that covered".

I know Angela knew who Rahm was, because I heard her quietly say "Scheißehund", before continuing. "How exactly do you have zis covered?"

Rahm then got that little smirk on his face- frankly, it kind of scares me. "By cutting our defense spending, of course". Angela got really mad. "You can't do that- there are treaties und commitments. You won't even be able to defend your own borders."

Rahm quickly answered "We've got that covered, as well"

Angela was horrified, all she could say was "But, how?"

That's where Rahm laid out another awesome plan. This is change folks, so don't be scared. Trust me, Rahm knows what I'm doing.

Rahm explained. "That's where the Chinese come in. They have invested so much money over here, they must certainly have our best interests at heart. It's a win, win!" Rahm was really excited about this, for some reason. All Angela could say at this point was "Douchebag". Wow- that's the same in German and English!

Angie Harmon

Angie Harmon hates me. I'm not sure why she doesn't like me, but I am doing my best to make people like me. Seriously, this is all about the 2012 campaign, and Rahm says I can't have people hating me already. Especially celebrities- Rahm says they are the only ones that really count, because the sheeple will follow them.

I didn't know what to do about this, so I called Bill. He rushed right over.

"Barry- I feel your pain. I too have been rejected by many a famous hotties. You should aim a little lower- have you tried to pick up a chubby intern, yet?"

I explained to Bill that I was happily attached to Michelle. I needed a different kind of advice. I needed to make Angie vote for me- for God's sake she just today said that the geezer that I defeated would have done a better job.

"Well," Bill said "I only know of one way to communicate with a woman- and that's to seduce her. Even if you don't want to nail her, you've still got to seduce her."

I thought about that- it made sense. "I'll send her some sweet potato fritters!" I said.

"That's a good start- but you'll need more. I still have some hook ups in Hollywood. Let me see what I can do." That is precisely where things started to go wrong.

Bill said I should make the fritters myself. Let's just say that the cold dough hitting the hot oil was an explosive combination. The flash burns on my retinas left me temporarily blind. That's when Bill offered to guide me through the event. The secret service gave me to high tech ear pieces- but they left me almost deaf- there was a feedback and some weird voice modulation that made everyone sound like tweety bird. I was almost completely reliant on Bill. As I sat in the President's private mess waiting for Angie Harmon. Bill spoke into his mike I heard him, just as I was supposed to. Problem is, my lapel mike was broken. Bill couldn't hear me, or anything in the room, at all. He decided to fake his way through the conversation.

I felt the cool air hit my face as the door opened. I waited for the Secret Service to tap my shoulder as a sign that Ms. Harmon had been seated. Moments later, I felt the tap.

"Okay, Barry- start out with a simple hello. Tell her that she looks mighty fine today"

I anteed up- I needed to fix this. "Hello- you're looking extraordinary today."

My guest answered "Well thank you- NCIS keeps me in shape". I thought that was odd- The briefing didn't mention that she had a current television show. We plowed on.

Okay Barry- time to ratchet up the "sexy" Tell her she has a "Sweet, sweet, bottom. Chicks dig that."

I didn't agree, but Bill is a legend with the ladies. I improvised "Man, you got a sweet can." I felt the impact immediately. Someone had punched me in the eye. The bandage had flown off, and I was starting to get my sight back. I then noticed that Bill had screwed up and called Mark Harmon's office instead of Angie Harmon. As the secret service wrestled Mark Harmon to the ground, Geithner walked in. He screamed "Yippee! Boy pile" and jumped on the secret service agents. This gave mark Harmon an opportunity to escape- he ran as fast he could.

Unfortunately, that didn't dissuade Geithner, who started his pursuit. I had to order the secret service not to shoot. Geithner has run off like this before, and he's not very fast.
If there's a moral here, I'll be damned if I know what it is.

Speaking of vanishing...

Earlier today, I promised not to to let the auto industry vanish. Apparently my statement has made billions of your investment dollars vanish instead. My bad.

I really don't mean to completely destroy the economy- it seems to be second nature. Really, I want our nation to succeed. I just don't know what to do. Aside from soliciting advice at this website. I don't know what to do. Please don't leave the advice at recovery.gov- no one in my administration actually reads anything there.

So, please, help a brother out. I'm open to advice on the economy, war and even personal advice. The lines are open now...

Socialism Rocks!

I can't believe I got away with firing Wagoner- after all, he doesn't even work for me! With that in mind, I'd like to fire the following people:

That snarky kid that bagged my groceries at the Winston Salem Food Lion. We were campaigning in North Carolina, and something gives me the feeling he was a McCain supporter. You know who you are- submit your resignation.

The entire staff at Fox News. What the deal with giving Conservatives equal access?

I would say everyone at Treasury, under Geithner, except we haven't hired anyone yet.

The entire Staff of the Wall Street Journal. Teach you to question my economic plan.

The President of Pakistan (whoever you are). I may not be able to bomb you, but I think I can fire you!

Trenton Waldorf. Trent was my big high school rival. We'll see who shoves who into a locker after making him parade around campus wearing soiled panties on his head now!

Yard work

Well, I woke up this morning and thought "What the hell. I'll mow the lawn." Do you know how much grass there is on the white house grounds? I'm not talking lawn- I found Carter's secret stash. There most be enough grass to supply UC Berkeley for 2 years.

This got me thinking- remembering my childhood days. Stagflation. Crazy housing market. Worst economy since the depression.  Who the hell would intentionally run an economy like that? Then I looked at what we are doing. Oh, well- just because it didn't work the first time.

My feelings are hurt

It's this budget thing and Se. Gregg. Look, I can't begin to even understand what a budget is- it's supposed to limit spending. I really comprehend that concept. Money is something we are supposed to spend- the more the better, right?

I really feel jilted by him. This is worse than when Jane Fonda left me. I feel betrayed. Oh sure, he was all bi-partisan until Rahm told us what I stand for. What a bummer. Time to drown myself in some chunky monkey.

The day I met Michelle

I still remember the day. The skies were blue, the air was crisp, and I, future leader of the Free World was lonely. I had recently been dumped by Jane Fonda. Not the actress, Jane Fonda the community organizer. She was not as thin as the actress, who was still famous for the exercise videos at the time. She wasn't as pretty, or even as smart. Hell, She wasn't even as smart as Ted Turner, but she was still my little plain Jane. I truly loved her...

We broke up because she thought I wasn't ambitious enough. You see back then I knew my limitations, and would never recklessly campaign for a job I am unqualified for. She thought that I should apply for the CEO job at the company we worked for- I felt I was not qualified, being fresh out of college, and having no "c-suite" experience...

Anyway, I was walking down Division st., bouncing from bar to bar. I think I was coming from a bar that was called "The Rockery" (I remember the t-shirts with a pink logo- pastels were all the rage back then) and about to turn into "Mothers" when I saw her. Here hair was as big as the Goodyear blimp, she was wearing tight turquoise stirrup pants and a leopard skin shirt. Her 6 inch heels clacking against the cement. I knew then that I was in love...

I pursued her in to the bar (Dicks last resort), and started looking for her. I knew that this was my one shot at true love. I finally saw the stirrup pants and leopard skin shirt- I ran to her. My heart was beating, about to burst out of my chest, I ran through the bar knocking collegians out of my way. When I got to her, I closed my eyes, spun her around and kissed her. This was no peck on the cheek. As I felt her firm buttocks, her tongue danced in my mouth. I opened my eyes, and to my horror it was Tim Geithner. He looked at my shocked expression, and pointed to Michelle (who was on the dance floor) saying "you must be looking for her."

I composed myself and walked up to her; I had to be sure this time, so I grabbed her crotch. She was not pleased, and kneed me in the groin. Then she kicked me repeatedly. Then she tried to drive her heel into my eye socket- thank God the bouncer got there first.

Anyway, as the sex crimes unit started to book me- she wandered over with two burly Chicago Police officers. She leaned over me, and said "Before I press charges, I have to know how anyone could be SO stupid?" I then told her about Geithner- and she laughed. We finished our conversation over breakfast at the Egg Harbor Lounge.

It was truly a night to remember.

If it feels pain...

I just read something that I found horrific. I was reading the website for my favorite news channel, CNN. I found this. It seems that crabs actually feel pain.

How can we destroy these precious little bundles of joy, especially knowing that they feel pain? How could any human being willingly inflict pain on something so small. Something that never hurt anyone. Inflicting pain only for their own convenience, slaughtering millions of the little fellas.

I don't understand it. People can be so mean.

Mr. and Mrs. Snugleworth

Every once in a while, I roll into work (I try to get in by noon) and notice that someone else is sitting in my desk. I think he thinks he's helping me, and Lord knows I could use the help, but it really upsets Rahm. Today he was back. We call him "Dubya". I think he's trying to be helpful, and frankly, he's the only one doing paperwork around here. It just keeps stacking up until he comes in and does it.

So I walk in and Dubya" looks up at me, and reminds me that the Oval Office is where the worlds business gets done. He says I need to show more respect to my office- no more bunny slippers at work. That's actually one of the few things that Rahm and Dubya agree on. No matter, I'll fight as hard for my beloved Mr. and Mrs. Snuggleworth slippers as I did for my Blackberry....

Anyway Dubya had just finished off this week's paperwork, but I wonder why. Rahm pretty much makes it clear that our sole reason for being here is to undo everything that Dubya did. Some of Dubya's working actually got by Rahm, like putting the kybosh on Rahm's promise to get all the troops out of Iraq in 18 months.

Anyway, now I don't have to stare at all that paperwork- Thanks Dubya!

Another question- a shocking answer

I had a good day yesterday, prying the answer of why Hill hates Bebe out of Bill. That made me think, maybe I should start asking some questions around here. Rahm always tells me not to worry about anything when I ask questions, so I stopped asking him anything, so maybe I should ask someone else?

Since I had a meeting with Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, I figured I would ask her a question that would benefit everyone. What was the one question that every American wants to ask Janet Napolitano. Finally, I figured it out a 2 am. I could hardly wait to ask the question.

So as we sat in my office, Janet, Rahm and I. I was bored and disinterested. Janet is always talking about the same things. Catastrophe this, disaster this, end o civilization as we know it- it all gets boring after a while. When the meeting finally ended, i asked janet to stay.

"Janet, I have a question"

"Yes, Mr. President"

"Why on earth would your parents give you woman's name? I mean it's hard to tell how a baby turns out and all, but you grew into one of the manliest men I have ever met."

I have never been kicked so hard in the groin before. I'm still not sure why he was so mad about my question...

What you need to know about Barry O

Cast of Characters-
Barry O is smarter than he sometimes seems, but that's not saying much. He is usually well meaning and an all around nice guy, but he's also a little naive.
Rahm is Barry's chief of staff he is prone to sudden outbreaks of violence- usually directed at Geithner. Sometimes hijacks the blog and writes as Barry O- watch out as he lays out his plans for financial ruin.
Geithner is, well Geithner. He is completely inept and prone to forgetfulness. Tends to dress in pastels when not on camera.
Bill is Barry's father figure. He often drops buy to offer his humorous advice. Unfortunately it rarely helps with the troubles at hand. Can usually be found near the intern pool.
Hillary is Bills wife, and Secretary of State. She is a little hot headed and still distrusts Bill after a slight indiscretion. She has a Secret crush on Bebe Netanyahu.
Laura Roslyn- Former Colonial President and Secretary of Education. She was Barry's choice for Secretary of Education. Barry doesn’t seem to realize she is a fictional character.
Arne Duncan is the real Secretary of Education. Barry thinks he looks creepy.
Bebe Netanyahu. Prime minister of Israel- haven't you read a newspaper lately?
Jane Napolitano is the manliest man to grace the west wing since Janet Reno. Barry wonders if Janet is actually a mans name.
Dubya is Barry O's predecessor. He is having a hard time letting things go. He often comes in to the office in the middle of the night to actually provide leadership

Things
The Couch is the couch in the Oval Office. When something is lost, it is the first place Barry looks. So far he's found 9 pairs of panties, an old reel to reel tape an a map marked "Locations of WMDs in Iraq.
FLATUS- Federation of Literary Arts Teachers- United States
Sweet Potato Fritters. Nothing says romance like a Sweet Potato Fritter. This is also Barry's favorite food.
Twilight. Barry thought he would like this series of books. He doesn't.
Battlestar Galactica- Barry is a big fan. He doesn’t really understand it, but the spaceships are cool.
Reset Button (for Russia)- Nuclear Launch console in Barry's office.
Mr. and Mrs. Snuggleworth are Barry O's favorite fluffy bunny slippers.

Places
Orna and Ella's- A restaurant on Shenkin St. in Tel Aviv. They serve Barry's favorite Sweet Potato Fritters

Geithner Clarification

I wanted to "add some meat" to Geithner's explanation of the new financial system we intend to impose.

Imposing tougher standards on financial institutions judged to be so big that their failure would represent a risk to the entire system.
Under our financial system this will never again be a worry. Our policies will ensure that no financial institution can grow to the point of being to large.

-- Extending federal regulations for the first time to all trading in financial derivatives, exotic financial instruments such as credit default swaps that were blamed for much of the damage in the meltdown.
Under our system all exotic financial instruments such as "Stocks" will be worthless. It's only a matter of time.

-- Requiring hedge funds and other private pools of capital, including private equity funds and venture capital funds, to register with the Securities and Exchange Commission if their assets exceed a certain size. The threshold amount has yet to be determined.
The registration is the important thing. We progressives have hampered gun ownership with registration- and the results are fewer guns. Soon, we will hamper capitalism the same way!

-- Creating a systemic risk regulator to monitor the biggest institutions.
There's nothing that big government can't fix. With this in mind we will have GS-5 level employees riding roughshod (did Geithner just squeal?) over our most successful entrepreneurs.

Have faith, America- change is coming. And it's a good thing too- because change is all that will be left in your pockets.

Why Hill doesn't like Bebe

I always like it when Bill comes to visit- his stories about the good old days always lift my spirits. Today, though, I had a question for him. You see his wife, Hillary, really dislikes Bebe Netanyahu. I've been wondering why for a long time, and I finally feel close enough to Bill to ask.

Bill doesn't enter a room so much as he completely absorbs his surroundings. When he walks in, everyone knows that they are the center of his universe. I knew that he wouldn't knock on my door as everyone else does, he would just burst in and the fun would begin.

"HOT DOG!, did you see that sweet, sweet thing- she must be new, I don't know her!"

You mean "Millie" I said referring to our new 74 years young receptionist.

"Yeah that's her- boy I tell you, I'd tap that..."

Bill is so funny- Millie's hearing is bad, and you often have to tap her on the shoulder to get her attention. He has a wonderful way with words.

After the niceties, I got down to business. I said "Bill, I noticed that there seems to be some friction between Hillary and Bebe- I'm afraid it might affect our work in the Middle East. I don't know what this work is, but Rahm says it's important..."

Bill agreed- "It's best to follow Rahm's advice", but I knew that this time Rahm didn't know the details. So I pressed.

"Bill I need to know exactly what happened."

"Okay- I'll tell you. It was a cold Washington January- I'm not talkin' bout outside. Hillary was angry. You've seen her when she's angry, but for me she turns it up a notch higher, if you can believe it. I remember that January so well, the smell of the Cigars, the feel of her warm lips-"

"Steady Bill," I interjected- I needed him to focus.

"Ohh- right. So Hillary found out about something I did. I'm not going to mention it- it's something I'm not proud of. I could have found a much slimmer intern, but that bootie-"

"Bill!" I yelled.

"Okay, okay, you know I'm a sentimental old fool. Anyway, she found out about this thing I did, and she was MAD. I tried flowers, I tried candy- I even tried jewelry. Nothing worked. Hell, I even wrote he a poem- 'There once was girl from Park Ridge'. That didn't work either. She said she needed some space. So she told me she was going on a pilgrimage to the holy land. I thought to reflect on God and maybe to forgive me, but that's not Hill's style. She was going for revenge."

"Revenge- what did she do?"

"Well she went there to have an affair with Bebe Netanyahu. She made reservations at a hot restaurant, Orna and Ella's-"

"The one over on Shenkin street, in Tel Aviv?" I offered. It was. No doubt Sweet Potato Fritters were on the menu.

"Boy Howdy- she went all out- even made sure that the Sweet potato fritters were waiting on the table-"

I thought to myself, nothing says romance like a fritter, and let Bill continue.

"So Bebe shows up- with his wife. Hillary was livid- and embarrassed. I have to say she handled it well. It only cost 250 thousand dollars to repair the damage- that's restraint for my little bundle of Hellfire." Mrs. Netanyahu vowed never to be seen with Hill again- they still don't think she's right. Bat shit crazy is what they called her. Actually they called her "בת חרא מטורף". Which I think is bat shit crazy."

I asked Bill what was wrong. You could see that his vary soul was bathed in remorse. His only answer was "I can't believe I married her."

Alexander the Great

A Greek Archbishop recently compared me to Alexander the Great. This intrigued me, and I decided to research Alexander to find out who he was. I was shocked when I found out he was a great leader! I needed to find out more, so I kept digging. I found some startling similarities:

• We both had "Parental Issues". My mother got knocked up by a complete stranger who eventually abandoned her. Alexander's mother (Cleopatra Eurydice) was Macedonian and, thus people thought that he was not the legitimate leader of the empire. There's another parallel- many people also believe that I am not a legitimate leader!
• Another strange parallels that in Alexander's time Attalus attended a the wedding of his niece, and gave a toast for the marriage to result in a "legitimate" heir to the throne. Alexander, furious, hurled his goblet at the speaker, shouting, "What am I? A bastard, then?" At the DNC, Hillary not only stated that I was the illegitimate heir to her husbands legacy, but she also called me a bastard on numerous occasions.
• When Alexander was triumphantly campaigning north, down south, the Thebans and Athenians rebelled. Just like the Blue Dog Democrats are starting to do over my spending plans!
• There's also the obvious parallel- problems with Persians. Alexander conquered them- I coddle them. Only a difference of a few letters.

As I continued my research on Alexander I found some more things that I liked. During his time, Alexander adopted some elements of Persian dress and customs at his court, notably the custom of proskynesis, a symbolic kissing of the hand that Persians paid to their social superiors. I think I'd like to bring that back into style, along with "pork pie" hats.

Lastly, Alexander had a lifelong companion named Hephaestion, the son of a Macedonian noble. I have Geithner former appointee of DNC noble (Mayor Daley).

Boy, this would make a better movie than that twilight book. What a waste of an afternoon that was.

Meeting with Arne Duncan

Arne Duncan came in today. He freaks me out a little- he looks kind of weird. After meeting him, I had wished that Rahm had picked Laura Roslin instead. Anyway he came in to talk, and introduce me to a teacher.

So he sticks his head inside my door and says "FLATUS?" I started to say "Certainly not- he who smelt it dealt it", but Arne continued "I have the representative from the Federation of Literary Arts Teachers of the United States."

I said "Ohh, send her in."

I don't remember her name, but she was no Laura Roslin. No robots, no spaceships no Starbuck. The meeting was actually kind of boring. "America's youth. Yada, yada, yada." On and on. If I wanted to be a parent I wouldn't have hired nannies.

Then she got my attention. She started talking about a book. And a vampire named Edward (she kept saying he was "dreamy"). There were also werewolves and car crashes and young love- and there's a movie, so I don't even have to read the book! I can't wait to watch Twilight.

I finally have something to do today.

Obamo Prototype

I did it myself. Here's my proposed currency.

New Currency

So, Rahm vetoed my playing guitar tonight. This made me think that I needed something else to open with. So, I flipped through the paper (the Washington Times- that's our dirty little secret) and found something.

I read that both China and Russia are proposing a common worldwide currency. I agree with them. I propose the Obamo- a new world wide currency. The Obamo will not be based on anything tangible- we will base it on a floating scale of how we feel about ourselves, and buy ourselves, I mean me. 

For example: I really hate shrimp, so shrimp would be of little value to our new economy- remember it's based on how I feel. So, relax- I bet your bottom Obamo, that the sun will come up tomorrow.

Simon Cowell

Our diaries didn’t match??? I'm the Freakin' President of the United States, and that effeminate little Brit says he to busy? I'm supposed to be the busiest man on earth, and I've got time to bowl and do the Leno show...

Notre Dame Clarification.

I was asked for some clarification on my views of life. It seems that
the students of Notre Dame weren't upset about my support of living my
life as well as I can, but over a woman's right to choose. This
concerned me deeply, so I asked Bill to explain it to me.

"You see Barry, when a man doesn't love a woman, and 2 people have lust
in their heart, they sometimes have hot, nasty, greasy monkey sex."
said Bill. He continued, while perspiring heavily. "Sometimes they don't
have sex, and by that I mean they have mouth whoopee. Say, have you
hired your intern staff yet?" I pleaded with Bill to get back on
message.

"Well, sometimes with all the drinking and partying, people don't
protect themselves." I asked for clarification. "You mean like our army
guys in Iraq?" Bill answered, "I've never much understood the military-
lets get back to what I do understand"

He explained the mechanics, but I was a little unclear of what this had
to do with life. The procreative act either generates life, or it
doesn't. I mean I've been with Michelle 6 or 7 times, yet we only had
two bebe's...

Bill went on "It's not whether the act creates babies, it's what you do
with them." I asked "What else could you do, but love them?" Bill
answered, "Well some people kill them." I said "Are we talking about
Netanyahu, again? Your wife must really hate him." Bill agreed, "Hillary
does really hate Netanyahu, but not as much as she hates people who deny
a woman her choice." Now this was getting confusing. "What possible way
could a woman choose not to have a babe, other than to abstain form
having sex. I mean, this is about personal responsibility, right?"

Bill disagreed. "A woman has choice over what is in her body."

I answered "That's my point, exactly. If she makes the right choice over what she puts in her body, she won't get pregnant.

Bill was exasperated and said he needed to head down to the intern pool
for a cigar. I didn't know the interns had their own pool. I wonder if
it's near the bowling alley?

Spies in North Korea

My fellow Americans. As you know I am a globalist- our reputation around
the world is important to me. I was greatly saddened that North Korea
would accuse us of using journalists as spies. This is an unfair and
untrue accusation. To improve our standing in the eyes of the North
Koreans, I had a conversation with my intel guy. I said "Mr. Army man"-
and he cut me off. He said "Mr. President, I proudly served in the
United States Marine Corps." I answered with a legitimate question
"What's the difference?" Can you believe he gave me a 2 hour history
lesson? BORING! Anyway I decided to call him Jonesy- like the cat in
that movie about the Alien. What was that movie called, anyway?

So after my history lesson, I confronted Jonesy with the journalist
issue. I am quite protective of journalists- as they are of me. Jonesy
told me that he didn't have a list of "assets" in Korea on him. I asked
him when he could provide that list. He hedged and asked why I needed
it. I said that I had a brilliant idea.

I told Jonesy that I needed to protect all American citizens. He agreed.
I said that this includes journalists. Jonesy started to look a little
nervous. I said that the best way to ensure that our journalists are not
accused of being spies is to publish a list of our actual spies- that
way everyone will know who they are. This will keep our journalists
safe, and my reputation in tact.

General Jones answered that it might take some time to complete my
request. He said that he needs to ensure the safety of al involved. I'm
no push over though, so I pressed him for a time frame. He answered
"Well, up to 8 years, but I really hope that this becomes unnecessary in
four years."

There you have it- your president at work. Keeping journalists safe the
world over.

Notre Dame

There is a new controversy about my address to the students of Notre Dame. They say that my stance on life disqualifies me. I say this is nonsense. I love life. Everyone should have a life like mine.

Lunch

So, I've got this big red button behind my desk. It's under a secret panel on the credenza. Bush tried to explain what it was on his way out, but you know, the country wants change. So I pretty much ignored everything he had to say. Thursday, I tried to look at it. It had a label that said "Launch". I thought, hell yeah, Launch, I'm hungry. You'd think I'd pretty much be able to get a sandwich on demand, but with the food tasters and everything, it can take awhile.

So anyway, just as I'm about to order my sandwich, Bob Gates walks in. He screams "What the hell are you doing, you douche!" There's my nickname again! I said, "I'm going to get a sandwich- want one?"

Gates must have had the flu of something. He was pale as a ghost. He walked over and removed my hand from the button. He said "That's not room service. Don't touch it again!" and started to leave. I asked him "If it's not room service, then what is it?" He answered, "That's the real reset button for Russia."

So on Friday, I've got Mikhail Gorbachev and Joe Biden in my office. I wanted a good first impression so I let Joe do most of the talking. As I faded in and out of the conversation, I heard Joe say "reset button". I knew it was now my chance to impress. So I stood up and said "I've got your reset button, right here." I threw open the compartment and slammed my palm down on the button. Gorbachev must have caught what Gates had because he turned ghost white and started clutching his chest. Joe jumped up and screamed "Don't worry- Gates had it disconnected yesterday!"

No one would talk to me the rest of the meeting. On the way out Gorbachev said "Он действительно душ!" I wonder what that means?

Tea bagging

So, Geithner, Rahm, Ron Paulson and I sat down for a meeting on the spending package. Rahm always reminds me to call these things stimulus packages, but it really is a lot of spending. This time we are looking at about another trillion dollars. We were all (except Paulson- what's his problem?) laughing about how easy is is to spend the second trillion dollars.

The details on these things are brutal, so I went to my happy place and let the other 3 start wading through the details. They were talking about the opposition, and something caught my attention. I though Paulson said that I should be prepared to face "more tea baggings". As you can imagine, that caught my attention. So I said, "Shouldn't the secret service protect me form random and unwanted tea baggings?" That’s when Rahm and Ron started laughing (Geithner just got uncomfortable looking).

After they stopped laughing, Geithner offered- "It wouldn't be so bad..." and then everyone started looking uncomfortable . When Tim recognized the tension, he quickly added, "From what I've heard."

Well, this set of Rahm off again. He started beating Geithner. This time he took off his shoe and beat him about the head and shoulders. Once Rahm had worn himself out, everyone explained to me that Ron had said "Tea Party". They also assured me that the secret service would indeed stop anyone that tries to teabag me. This made me feel better. In fact I felt so good, I was able to have a great time during my 60 minutes interview. Like the old song says "Aint nothin' gonna get me down..."

Barry O's brackets

Much has been made of my bracket picks over the last week. I thought I'd share them with everyone!

Guitar

I saw the musicians when I was on Leno, and longed to play the guitar. I sent Geithner out to pick one up for me, and he came back with a beautiful white Les Paul.  After admiring the beauty of this instrument, I sent Tim to go get Rahm. I then sprung my plan.

I told Rahm " Leno showed me how music can make or break or a TV show- so next time I address the nation, I am going to play the guitar. I know Rahm liked the idea, because he fainted, like the women at my rallies last summer. For once, I knew what to do- "Okay, give him some space," I said, "Do you want some water?"

Finally, I started to play. I heard a really cool song on Battlestar Galactica last night. It was the first time I saw this program- I can't wait for the next episode. I didn't really comprehend what was going on- but the space ships were cool.

Anyway, I started to play. It sounded nothing like "All along the watchtower". It was then I that I realized I had no experience playing guitar. It sounded horrible! I guess that this just proves I'm not the guy you want doing something that I have little or no experience in.

No tattoo...

Well, Michelle said no to the tattoo.



I had a great idea, I was going to get a tattoo that said "The Man", because, as you know, I am the man. Michelle said it was an insult, that there is nothing to admire about the man. That reminded me of that awful movie Undercover Brother, so I grudgingly agreed. I countered that I should instead get a tattoo based on the only good Saturday Night Live movie ever made- The Coneheads. At that point Michelle threatened to move back to Chicago. Worse yet, she threatened to leave her mother in DC.



Long story short, sadly, there is no tattoo in Barry O's future...

Bill dropped by today

He was angry. I guess he calls the couch his secret panty stash. Why he would need 9 size 3xl pairs of panties (marked property of M. Lewinski), I don't know. Frankly, I don't want to know.

Anyway, after he settled down, he decided to offer some advice. I sat on the edge of my seat- this was going to be golden. What kind of advice could he give me about China, Israel or maybe even on the economy. Surely I could learn from America's first black president.

He leaned forward and whispered. At first, I thought I must have misheard him. He said "Power is ultimate aphrodisiac. It doesn't matter what you do- only who you do. HOT DOG!, you got it made. I used to be America's flabbiest president- and I was knee deep in interns. You're a bonified hottie. Imagine the possibilities."

Ironically, this is probably the best advice he's ever given. I do have to add that President Barry O is a one man woman, or something like that.

Matt Drudge is a douche.

I learned a new word today, when Hillary gave me my new nickname. The word was "douche". I asked Michelle what it meant, and was appalled when she told me. Why would someone call another person that. A little part of me died with this revelation. Then I read Matt Drudge, and I understood what a douche really is. He wrote about another blog. The blog that my teleprompter has. Why would he publicize my 'prompter's blog and not mine. I mean, I'm the Man (note to self- look into a "The Man" tattoo) .

This really bothered me, so i asked Rahm about it. He confirmed that Drudge is a douche. Rahm said "He's so full of douchey goodness that he smells like a fresh summers breeze. He's an even bigger douche than Geithner."

So there you have it- a bigger douche than Geitner. That's a 2 liter douche to be sure...

My Meeting with Hillary

My friend Hillary came to see me today- she seemed aggravated. She said that she didn't trust her Bebe. I said, that Chelsea is hardly a Bebe any more- but she got angry and called me a "Douche" Yea! A new nickname! I tried to calmly explain that we have to let our young grow up- we wouldn’t want to force them into making horrible decisions, like making decisions that lead to cursing them with their own Bebe's, but she cut me off. She said that she meant Bebe Netanyahu.

I offered that I would never name my Bebe Netanyahu, but Hillary explained that he was the Prime Minister of Israel.

I asked what the problem was- I know that my previous reverend didn't trust Israel, but he didn't like America either, and as far as I am concerned any country that would elect me President is a a pretty special place. Anyway, I asked what the problem with Bebe was.

"He wants to bomb Iran.", said Hillary

"Do you think we could talk him into bombing Pakistan instead?" I asked, "I've been wanting to do that myself".

It was at that moment that Hillary noticed the stacks of panties we found in the Oval Office couch cushions yesterday. Hillary looked at them, turned red, and screamed "That Bastard", running out of the office at full steam. I don't know why she was ups set- they weren't Bebe's panties...

I wonder- does this mean I get to bomb Pakistan?

Time on my hands

People have said that I am too busy to handle all the problems that "our company" faces. The job is too big for one man, regardless of his qualifications or intelligence. I will prove that this statement is untrue.

How will I prove this? I'll prove it by taking some of my precious time and committing to an urgent matter. My five hundred thousand dollar book deal. Since Rahm is not around to think for me- I'll try my ideas out on you, my loyal fans. Here's a list of my ideas.

"The awesomeness of Barack Obama"- This is a short book listing what I've actually done to deserve being elected. I'm having problems thinking of anything. If anyone has an idea please send it to presidentbarryo@yahoo.com

"Joe Loser- Hero of AmeriCorps"- AmeriCorps is an important project. The is the story of one incompetent American, not making a difference regardless of how much money the government pumps into a program.

"The Little PAC that could" This is the story of a mad Hungarian. Mad as in angry. Angry at America. He's also mad as in crazy- he's made billions of dollars in a capitalist system that he hates. Thus, Moveon.org was born.

"Liberal family values- the story of Candy the crack whore" Candy was a whore. She also really liked crack. This is the story of how she sold her baby to get money for an abortion- and some more crack.

"Joe Lieberman- Public enemy" This is the story or an American that supported our war effort in Iraq and Afghanistan. What kind of Democrat would do that?

"Spare Change" The story of one Democrat who longed for change at the expense of all that we hold dear. This one is especially close to my heart.

My friend, Tim

My buddy Tim knocked on my office door today. He had that "I just lost 50 million dollars" look on his face, so I thought I should let him in. Tim informed me that he had actually lost 165 million dollars and change. I asked him if he looked in his couch. He said he had. So, we started looking in under the couch cushions in my office. All we found were 9 pairs of panties marked "property of M. Lewinsiski", an old reel to reel audio tape and a map marked IRAQ WMD locations. In short, we found nothing useful.

Being the boss, I thought that I needed to take decisive action- so I called Rahm into my office to discuss our problem. As I spoke Rahms name into the intercom, Tim flinched and started to cry, so I gave him a hug.

Rahm came in and didn't say anything- he just stared at Tim- for what must have been 2 or 3 minutes. Rahm has an affectionate nickname for Tim- "dumbass". Rahm asked "What did dumbass do now?"

Tim answered "I knew about the AIG bonuses, and okayed them."

I had never seen someone actually through a chair at someone before. I thought it would make more noise. I guess it must have hit the soft squishy part of Tim's head! (I thought that I was the only one with a soft squishy spot on my head- what a surprise!) The chair throwing must have excited Tim- he napped for 15 minutes afterwards.

Army guy- Part 2

I wanted to clearify something about my meeting with the army guy. People all over our nation have remembered that I said that there would be no more means testing for veterans benefits. I stand prepared to stand behind that statement. There will be no more means testing. All eligibility tests will now be determined with a smile- no matter how many hoops that we are preparing for our veterans to jump through. As we all know, there's nothing mean about a smile. Not only will the VA caseworkers smile- they will physically pat each veteran on the back as hand him his bill. This is change we can all get behind.

The Army Guy

It's been almost 6 weeks since I decided to start this blog. Some co-workers with have been clamping down on electronic communications.

I have recently learned that some people are resistant to the kind of change that I believe is needed where I work. I know that this will make my job more difficult, but together we can change everything.

Yesterday, I was confronted by a perfect example of people that are scared of change. I was sitting in my office, practicing for a speech I have to make. Just as I got the teleprompter screen set up, Rahm, a co-worker, burst in with the doorman. I told Rahm my that the doorman belongs outside the door, but he insisted that I see him, the doorman was actually from the Army. I know that change comes in many forms, so I found some in my pocket. Problem was I couldn't find a kettle. I stared at my teleprompter, but it didn't tell me what to do. Then I realized it wasn't Christmas. I confronted this Army man, and he said that he was from the American Legion and he wanted to talk to me about vet's. I told the Army man that I haven't bought the kids a dog yet. The Army man patiently told me that he was here on behalf of military vets. I said "the Army has dogs?"

It took about 25 minutes to get through this, but we sorted it out with Rahms help. Rahm understands change. He speaks my language. Rahm also seemed to have a better grasp of things, so I let him set the direction.

It was then that Rahm had an excellent idea. He thought that these vets should pay for their own medical care. Everywhere I go, people tell me that our company is spending too much. Rahm said that this was a good way to recoup some of these costs. As Rahm explained this to the army man, I sat there smiling. I wanted to convey a sense of warmth to the Army man. It must of worked because he was feeling so much warmth that he turned red! As the Army man left, I noticed a tear in his eye- obviously we had gotten through to him.

It's days like this that make it all worthwhile. This story is truly change that you can believe in.