We met an Army Guy... (R2G20 Part 3)

So, we wandered off into the desert, searching for Tel Aviv. Guess what? We bumped into an Army Guy. Only this Army Guy slaps me every time I call him Army Guy. He's become quite frustrated with me, and Geithner keeps looking at him funny- kind of how Bill looks at Michelle. Anyhow, were out in the desert, with no water or anything, and this Army Guy jumps out of nowhere. He was covered in sweat and ran up to us. He kept motioning for us to get down, so we did."President Obama?" I'm SSgt Perry Thomason. I'm here to bring you home."I replied, "Well...

The Road to G20 (part 2)

What's really weird is Rahm is on TV- everyone is poking and spitting on him- must be a red state. Anyway, we found a map, and boy are we far from home. We did notice that we are fairly close to Tel Aviv. Am I the only on that smells fritte...

The Road to G20 (part 1)

Well we are off on the road to G20. Since Geithner kept complaining that he had to go to the bathroom, I ordered the plane down at the nearest airport. That happened to be Tehran International. There was a bunch of commotion, so Geithner and I snuck out to find the men's room. Man, the falafel smelt good- it was a Kiosk at Crazy Allah's House of Falafel. It was twice as good as it smelled. Funny thing was, when we got back to the terminal Air Force One was gone- there was just a burning heap of rubble. Strange...

Wii play Wii

Geithner brought his wii over the oval office. He wanted to prove to me that it was cool after Rahm told us that "Only fairies play wii." Rahm is a x-box 360 man, and consistently pokes fun at Geithner about this...Anyway, Geithner hooks it up top the big plasma in my office. We had to unhook TOTUS (Easy, O. You can do this!), but we got it figured out after only 3 or four hours. Would you believe the plugs were color coded?Anyway we started the game, and started playing this little baseball game where you swing the controller to like a baseball...

Sweet Potato Fritter recipe

1 1-pound red-skinned sweet potato (yam)2 tablespoons (1/4 stick) butter, melted1/3 cup sugar2 tablespoons chopped fresh mint3/4 teaspoon salt1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon1 large egg1 cup all purpose flour1/2 cup fresh bread crumbs made from crustless French bread1 tablespoon baking powderVegetable oil (for frying)Love is in the air- and it smells like fritt...

My call with the German lady

So, I get this call from Angela Merkel- she talks like that guy with the mustache that's always on the history channel. Anyway, she said she wanted to explain why America is "headed down a Schlitterkurs". I don't know what this means- I assume it means "golden path".Any how, she starts going on about how the Europeans can afford to be socialist because they don't have to pay for their own defense. That's what allows them to be able to afford the cost of their social problems. I started to ask "How so?" when Rahm jumped in and said "We got that...

Angie Harmon

Angie Harmon hates me. I'm not sure why she doesn't like me, but I am doing my best to make people like me. Seriously, this is all about the 2012 campaign, and Rahm says I can't have people hating me already. Especially celebrities- Rahm says they are the only ones that really count, because the sheeple will follow them.I didn't know what to do about this, so I called Bill. He rushed right over."Barry- I feel your pain. I too have been rejected by many a famous hotties. You should aim a little lower- have you tried to pick up a chubby intern, yet?"I...

Speaking of vanishing...

Earlier today, I promised not to to let the auto industry vanish. Apparently my statement has made billions of your investment dollars vanish instead. My bad.I really don't mean to completely destroy the economy- it seems to be second nature. Really, I want our nation to succeed. I just don't know what to do. Aside from soliciting advice at this website. I don't know what to do. Please don't leave the advice at recovery.gov- no one in my administration actually reads anything there.So, please, help a brother out. I'm open to advice on the economy,...

Socialism Rocks!

I can't believe I got away with firing Wagoner- after all, he doesn't even work for me! With that in mind, I'd like to fire the following people:That snarky kid that bagged my groceries at the Winston Salem Food Lion. We were campaigning in North Carolina, and something gives me the feeling he was a McCain supporter. You know who you are- submit your resignation.The entire staff at Fox News. What the deal with giving Conservatives equal access?I would say everyone at Treasury, under Geithner, except we haven't hired anyone yet.The entire Staff...

Yard work

Well, I woke up this morning and thought "What the hell. I'll mow the lawn." Do you know how much grass there is on the white house grounds? I'm not talking lawn- I found Carter's secret stash. There most be enough grass to supply UC Berkeley for 2 years.This got me thinking- remembering my childhood days. Stagflation. Crazy housing market. Worst economy since the depression.  Who the hell would intentionally run an economy like that? Then I looked at what we are doing. Oh, well- just because it didn't work the first t...

My feelings are hurt

It's this budget thing and Se. Gregg. Look, I can't begin to even understand what a budget is- it's supposed to limit spending. I really comprehend that concept. Money is something we are supposed to spend- the more the better, right?I really feel jilted by him. This is worse than when Jane Fonda left me. I feel betrayed. Oh sure, he was all bi-partisan until Rahm told us what I stand for. What a bummer. Time to drown myself in some chunky monk...

The day I met Michelle

I still remember the day. The skies were blue, the air was crisp, and I, future leader of the Free World was lonely. I had recently been dumped by Jane Fonda. Not the actress, Jane Fonda the community organizer. She was not as thin as the actress, who was still famous for the exercise videos at the time. She wasn't as pretty, or even as smart. Hell, She wasn't even as smart as Ted Turner, but she was still my little plain Jane. I truly loved her...We broke up because she thought I wasn't ambitious enough. You see back then I knew my limitations,...

If it feels pain...

I just read something that I found horrific. I was reading the website for my favorite news channel, CNN. I found this. It seems that crabs actually feel pain.How can we destroy these precious little bundles of joy, especially knowing that they feel pain? How could any human being willingly inflict pain on something so small. Something that never hurt anyone. Inflicting pain only for their own convenience, slaughtering millions of the little fellas.I don't understand it. People can be so me...

Mr. and Mrs. Snugleworth

Every once in a while, I roll into work (I try to get in by noon) and notice that someone else is sitting in my desk. I think he thinks he's helping me, and Lord knows I could use the help, but it really upsets Rahm. Today he was back. We call him "Dubya". I think he's trying to be helpful, and frankly, he's the only one doing paperwork around here. It just keeps stacking up until he comes in and does it.So I walk in and Dubya" looks up at me, and reminds me that the Oval Office is where the worlds business gets done. He says I need to show more...

Another question- a shocking answer

I had a good day yesterday, prying the answer of why Hill hates Bebe out of Bill. That made me think, maybe I should start asking some questions around here. Rahm always tells me not to worry about anything when I ask questions, so I stopped asking him anything, so maybe I should ask someone else? Since I had a meeting with Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, I figured I would ask her a question that would benefit everyone. What was the one question that every American wants to ask Janet Napolitano. Finally, I figured it...

What you need to know about Barry O

Cast of Characters-Barry O is smarter than he sometimes seems, but that's not saying much. He is usually well meaning and an all around nice guy, but he's also a little naive.Rahm is Barry's chief of staff he is prone to sudden outbreaks of violence- usually directed at Geithner. Sometimes hijacks the blog and writes as Barry O- watch out as he lays out his plans for financial ruin.Geithner is, well Geithner. He is completely inept and prone to forgetfulness. Tends to dress in pastels when not on camera.Bill is Barry's father figure. He often drops...

Geithner Clarification

I wanted to "add some meat" to Geithner's explanation of the new financial system we intend to impose.Imposing tougher standards on financial institutions judged to be so big that their failure would represent a risk to the entire system.Under our financial system this will never again be a worry. Our policies will ensure that no financial institution can grow to the point of being to large.-- Extending federal regulations for the first time to all trading in financial derivatives, exotic financial instruments such as credit default swaps that...

Why Hill doesn't like Bebe

I always like it when Bill comes to visit- his stories about the good old days always lift my spirits. Today, though, I had a question for him. You see his wife, Hillary, really dislikes Bebe Netanyahu. I've been wondering why for a long time, and I finally feel close enough to Bill to ask.Bill doesn't enter a room so much as he completely absorbs his surroundings. When he walks in, everyone knows that they are the center of his universe. I knew that he wouldn't knock on my door as everyone else does, he would just burst in and the fun would begin."HOT...

Alexander the Great

A Greek Archbishop recently compared me to Alexander the Great. This intrigued me, and I decided to research Alexander to find out who he was. I was shocked when I found out he was a great leader! I needed to find out more, so I kept digging. I found some startling similarities:We both had "Parental Issues". My mother got knocked up by a complete stranger who eventually abandoned her. Alexander's mother (Cleopatra Eurydice) was Macedonian and, thus people thought that he was not the legitimate leader of the empire. There's another parallel- many...

Meeting with Arne Duncan

Arne Duncan came in today. He freaks me out a little- he looks kind of weird. After meeting him, I had wished that Rahm had picked Laura Roslin instead. Anyway he came in to talk, and introduce me to a teacher.So he sticks his head inside my door and says "FLATUS?" I started to say "Certainly not- he who smelt it dealt it", but Arne continued "I have the representative from the Federation of Literary Arts Teachers of the United States."I said "Ohh, send her in."I don't remember her name, but she was no Laura Roslin. No robots, no spaceships no...

Obamo Prototype

I did it myself. Here's my proposed currency....

New Currency

So, Rahm vetoed my playing guitar tonight. This made me think that I needed something else to open with. So, I flipped through the paper (the Washington Times- that's our dirty little secret) and found something.I read that both China and Russia are proposing a common worldwide currency. I agree with them. I propose the Obamo- a new world wide currency. The Obamo will not be based on anything tangible- we will base it on a floating scale of how we feel about ourselves, and buy ourselves, I mean me. For example: I really hate...

Simon Cowell

Our diaries didn’t match??? I'm the Freakin' President of the United States, and that effeminate little Brit says he to busy? I'm supposed to be the busiest man on earth, and I've got time to bowl and do the Leno show...

Notre Dame Clarification.

I was asked for some clarification on my views of life. It seems thatthe students of Notre Dame weren't upset about my support of living mylife as well as I can, but over a woman's right to choose. Thisconcerned me deeply, so I asked Bill to explain it to me. "You see Barry, when a man doesn't love a woman, and 2 people have lustin their heart, they sometimes have hot, nasty, greasy monkey sex."said Bill. He continued, while perspiring heavily. "Sometimes they don'thave sex, and by that I mean they have mouth whoopee. Say, have youhired your intern...

Spies in North Korea

My fellow Americans. As you know I am a globalist- our reputation aroundthe world is important to me. I was greatly saddened that North Koreawould accuse us of using journalists as spies. This is an unfair anduntrue accusation. To improve our standing in the eyes of the NorthKoreans, I had a conversation with my intel guy. I said "Mr. Army man"-and he cut me off. He said "Mr. President, I proudly served in theUnited States Marine Corps." I answered with a legitimate question"What's the difference?" Can you believe he gave me a 2 hour historylesson?...

Notre Dame

There is a new controversy about my address to the students of Notre Dame. They say that my stance on life disqualifies me. I say this is nonsense. I love life. Everyone should have a life like mi...

Lunch

So, I've got this big red button behind my desk. It's under a secret panel on the credenza. Bush tried to explain what it was on his way out, but you know, the country wants change. So I pretty much ignored everything he had to say. Thursday, I tried to look at it. It had a label that said "Launch". I thought, hell yeah, Launch, I'm hungry. You'd think I'd pretty much be able to get a sandwich on demand, but with the food tasters and everything, it can take awhile.So anyway, just as I'm about to order my sandwich, Bob Gates walks in. He screams...

Tea bagging

So, Geithner, Rahm, Ron Paulson and I sat down for a meeting on the spending package. Rahm always reminds me to call these things stimulus packages, but it really is a lot of spending. This time we are looking at about another trillion dollars. We were all (except Paulson- what's his problem?) laughing about how easy is is to spend the second trillion dollars.The details on these things are brutal, so I went to my happy place and let the other 3 start wading through the details. They were talking about the opposition, and something caught my attention....

Barry O's brackets

Much has been made of my bracket picks over the last week. I thought I'd share them with everyo...

Guitar

I saw the musicians when I was on Leno, and longed to play the guitar. I sent Geithner out to pick one up for me, and he came back with a beautiful white Les Paul.  After admiring the beauty of this instrument, I sent Tim to go get Rahm. I then sprung my plan.I told Rahm " Leno showed me how music can make or break or a TV show- so next time I address the nation, I am going to play the guitar. I know Rahm liked the idea, because he fainted, like the women at my rallies last summer. For once, I knew what to do- "Okay, give him...

No tattoo...

Well, Michelle said no to the tattoo.I had a great idea, I was going to get a tattoo that said "The Man", because, as you know, I am the man. Michelle said it was an insult, that there is nothing to admire about the man. That reminded me of that awful movie Undercover Brother, so I grudgingly agreed. I countered that I should instead get a tattoo based on the only good Saturday Night Live movie ever made- The Coneheads. At that point Michelle threatened to move back to Chicago. Worse yet, she threatened to leave her mother in DC.Long story short,...

Bill dropped by today

He was angry. I guess he calls the couch his secret panty stash. Why he would need 9 size 3xl pairs of panties (marked property of M. Lewinski), I don't know. Frankly, I don't want to know.Anyway, after he settled down, he decided to offer some advice. I sat on the edge of my seat- this was going to be golden. What kind of advice could he give me about China, Israel or maybe even on the economy. Surely I could learn from America's first black president.He leaned forward and whispered. At first, I thought I must have misheard him. He said "Power...

Matt Drudge is a douche.

I learned a new word today, when Hillary gave me my new nickname. The word was "douche". I asked Michelle what it meant, and was appalled when she told me. Why would someone call another person that. A little part of me died with this revelation. Then I read Matt Drudge, and I understood what a douche really is. He wrote about another blog. The blog that my teleprompter has. Why would he publicize my 'prompter's blog and not mine. I mean, I'm the Man (note to self- look into a "The Man" tattoo) .This really bothered me, so i asked Rahm about it....

My Meeting with Hillary

My friend Hillary came to see me today- she seemed aggravated. She said that she didn't trust her Bebe. I said, that Chelsea is hardly a Bebe any more- but she got angry and called me a "Douche" Yea! A new nickname! I tried to calmly explain that we have to let our young grow up- we wouldn’t want to force them into making horrible decisions, like making decisions that lead to cursing them with their own Bebe's, but she cut me off. She said that she meant Bebe Netanyahu.I offered that I would never name my Bebe Netanyahu, but Hillary explained that...

Time on my hands

People have said that I am too busy to handle all the problems that "our company" faces. The job is too big for one man, regardless of his qualifications or intelligence. I will prove that this statement is untrue. How will I prove this? I'll prove it by taking some of my precious time and committing to an urgent matter. My five hundred thousand dollar book deal. Since Rahm is not around to think for me- I'll try my ideas out on you, my loyal fans. Here's a list of my ideas."The awesomeness of Barack Obama"- This is a short book listing what I've...

My friend, Tim

My buddy Tim knocked on my office door today. He had that "I just lost 50 million dollars" look on his face, so I thought I should let him in. Tim informed me that he had actually lost 165 million dollars and change. I asked him if he looked in his couch. He said he had. So, we started looking in under the couch cushions in my office. All we found were 9 pairs of panties marked "property of M. Lewinsiski", an old reel to reel audio tape and a map marked IRAQ WMD locations. In short, we found nothing useful.Being the boss, I thought that I needed...

Army guy- Part 2

I wanted to clearify something about my meeting with the army guy. People all over our nation have remembered that I said that there would be no more means testing for veterans benefits. I stand prepared to stand behind that statement. There will be no more means testing. All eligibility tests will now be determined with a smile- no matter how many hoops that we are preparing for our veterans to jump through. As we all know, there's nothing mean about a smile. Not only will the VA caseworkers smile- they will physically pat each veteran on the...

The Army Guy

It's been almost 6 weeks since I decided to start this blog. Some co-workers with have been clamping down on electronic communications.I have recently learned that some people are resistant to the kind of change that I believe is needed where I work. I know that this will make my job more difficult, but together we can change everything.Yesterday, I was confronted by a perfect example of people that are scared of change. I was sitting in my office,...